My hubby goes back to work on Wednesday. That is 2.5 days from now. My my how 2 weeks can fly by.
I'll be honest, I'm pretty frightened to do this on my own. I know I'll be ok, like no one will die or anything, I'm mostly worried about my sanity. The hardest thing I do in a day is get Eli down for a nap or down for bed at night. He has been so cranky lately. I know it has a lot to do with sharing mommy (and especially sharing Baba, he won't even let her hold Ozzy) but it's to the point of tantrums all day. Before food, after food, resisting naps, resisting bed, resisting diaper changes. It's exhausting for me to deal with and I have my hubby taking care of baby while I do it (or vice versa).
My friend going through a similar situation just 3-4 weeks ahead of me posted an article today summing up toddler tantrums in three ways, tired, hungry, or needing to run around, preferably outside.
I know he's not getting enough sleep. Sleep sharing with both is not the problem, Ozzy barely makes any noise. But we can't seem to get Eli to sleep before 10:00-10:30pm and that's with fighting. Then he's up with me and Ozzy at 6:30-7am. And naps have been horrible. A fight all the way. Today finally worked, he fell asleep at 11:45 and woke up about a half hour later so I went and lied down with him and just brought sleeping Ozzy and we all slept until 1:30pm. But he was still cranky and tantrum-y all evening.
So food. He did eat a lot of junk today, we had a meet and greet for Ozzy where he ate cookies, popcorn, chips, and some fruit. Maybe he's getting too much sugar?
I took him for about a 20 minute walk today which was nice. I'm going to try and get him out every day for some fresh air though I know this will get harder as it gets colder with winter.
I think Eli is the kind of child that does really well with a routine and obviously that has been turned upside down. He has a new brother, his dad has been home, we've had visitors and parties. So I am working on a routine for once Daddy is back at work.
Morning routine - which includes diaper changes, getting dressed, and Eli and I having our special drinks (Univera)
Breakfast
Sesame street (or at least Elmo's World because Eli LOVES Elmo)
Walk
Lunch
Nap
Playtime and/or Baking or helping with dinner somehow
Dinner
Playtime
Bath
Books!
Brush Teeth
Bed
All I know is I can't keep handling meltdowns every time he needs to nap, sleep, leave Grandma's, get out of the bath, stop eating etc. etc.
This is not easy, but I didn't expect it to be. Parenting is so in the moment, ever-changing and evolving.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The story of Ozzy
The story of Ozzy: (A possible TMI for the faint of heart)
On Tuesday night I was really cranky. I told baby it was time, I'd had enough. Then when we got home from picking up Eli from my parents after yoga, I wrote on our whiteboard "Honey Do List" - "HAVE BABY". A task that I was able to cross off the very next morning.
At yoga that Tuesday night my yoga teacher was teaching a kriya to clear the sub-conscious mind. He looked directly at me and said "this is what your baby is waiting for." I said in return, "ok, I will hold you to that. I better have this boy tomorrow." Then I did the kriya with all my heart, soul and intention.
At 4:45am I had a very uncomfortable contraction, and more came every about 15 minutes. I was not convinced. They got closer together but stayed the same pain level but they were every 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, so I was really unconvinced. But still something told me to page my midwife just from how uncomfortable I was. Suzanne was attending a birth in Kelowna but said she'd have Aly call me shortly. A half hour later Aly called me and offered to check me before she went in to clinic even though my contractions were leveling off at 10 mins apart.
I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me I was 4-5 cm at 8:30am. It's actually happening!!!!! I had a shower and called in my team and they were all here within about 40 minutes. We sat around and chatted for about an hour and at 10:30 my contractions were getting very intense, much more intense than with Eli. By 11am I was 9cm dilated and I moved to my birthing room where I leaned on the ball on my knees with Erin and Justin massaging my back, Fateh taking pictures, my mom feeding Eli lunch in the kitchen.
Then I needed to go to the bathroom and that was where my body needed to start pushing. So in the tiniest room in my entire house I hung off Justin's shoulders and pushed, Aly and Suzanne squished against the sink, Erin in the bathtub, Fateh in the doorway documenting it all. Eli still eating blissfully in the kitchen. Finally my midwives brought in the birthing stool since holding my weight was wearing on Justin and 2-3 pushes later, Erin brushing back my hair, Justin and Aly caught little Ozzy. My placenta put the icing on the cake by surprising everyone 20 seconds later. I got to hold my little man immediately but he was a little blue so they took him for some oxygen which did the trick.
On the way by Eli got his first look at his little brother and has been smitten every since giving him as many kisses as we allow.
After some stitching I was good as new and Erin helped me remember how to breastfeed, Fateh took care of everyone feeding toast and tea, Justin took amazing care of me and my mom gave Eli his big brother gift which he played with delightfully.
Let me just say this right now I love my birth team, every person there was so valuable to me in their own special way and I am so lucky. Thank you birth team you made this perfect for me.
It was truly perfect and everything I could have hoped for though more pain than I remembered but definitely still tolerable.
Ozzy weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was 21.25 inches. He took to feeding immediately and is sleeping pretty well. We are a little concerned with jaundice currently so it's been difficult getting him to stay awake for the 15 minutes minimum suggested by my midwives. So I am hoping we can de-yellow him quickly and will not need any heat lamp assistance.
Other than that nursing is as painful as I remember which is too bad. I have had lots of help from my mom in law and Justin's family. I am definitely nervous about when I have to do this all on my own but am trying not to think about it and am just concentrating on healing right now. Luckily the after pains are going away (ouch!). It's true, they are worse the second time!!
I am feeling very blessed with my family right now! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And so begins my second year of confessions of a new mom. I truly feel like a new mom all over again, especially after that completely different pregnancy and birth.
On Tuesday night I was really cranky. I told baby it was time, I'd had enough. Then when we got home from picking up Eli from my parents after yoga, I wrote on our whiteboard "Honey Do List" - "HAVE BABY". A task that I was able to cross off the very next morning.
At yoga that Tuesday night my yoga teacher was teaching a kriya to clear the sub-conscious mind. He looked directly at me and said "this is what your baby is waiting for." I said in return, "ok, I will hold you to that. I better have this boy tomorrow." Then I did the kriya with all my heart, soul and intention.
At 4:45am I had a very uncomfortable contraction, and more came every about 15 minutes. I was not convinced. They got closer together but stayed the same pain level but they were every 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, so I was really unconvinced. But still something told me to page my midwife just from how uncomfortable I was. Suzanne was attending a birth in Kelowna but said she'd have Aly call me shortly. A half hour later Aly called me and offered to check me before she went in to clinic even though my contractions were leveling off at 10 mins apart.
I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me I was 4-5 cm at 8:30am. It's actually happening!!!!! I had a shower and called in my team and they were all here within about 40 minutes. We sat around and chatted for about an hour and at 10:30 my contractions were getting very intense, much more intense than with Eli. By 11am I was 9cm dilated and I moved to my birthing room where I leaned on the ball on my knees with Erin and Justin massaging my back, Fateh taking pictures, my mom feeding Eli lunch in the kitchen. 
Then I needed to go to the bathroom and that was where my body needed to start pushing. So in the tiniest room in my entire house I hung off Justin's shoulders and pushed, Aly and Suzanne squished against the sink, Erin in the bathtub, Fateh in the doorway documenting it all. Eli still eating blissfully in the kitchen. Finally my midwives brought in the birthing stool since holding my weight was wearing on Justin and 2-3 pushes later, Erin brushing back my hair, Justin and Aly caught little Ozzy. My placenta put the icing on the cake by surprising everyone 20 seconds later. I got to hold my little man immediately but he was a little blue so they took him for some oxygen which did the trick. 
After some stitching I was good as new and Erin helped me remember how to breastfeed, Fateh took care of everyone feeding toast and tea, Justin took amazing care of me and my mom gave Eli his big brother gift which he played with delightfully.
It was truly perfect and everything I could have hoped for though more pain than I remembered but definitely still tolerable.
Other than that nursing is as painful as I remember which is too bad. I have had lots of help from my mom in law and Justin's family. I am definitely nervous about when I have to do this all on my own but am trying not to think about it and am just concentrating on healing right now. Luckily the after pains are going away (ouch!). It's true, they are worse the second time!!
I am feeling very blessed with my family right now! Thank you, thank you, thank you!And so begins my second year of confessions of a new mom. I truly feel like a new mom all over again, especially after that completely different pregnancy and birth.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Patience
Who knew? Who could have guessed after having a baby at 35.5 weeks and worrying the crap out of everyone that this time around I would be writing about patience at 39 weeks 2 (nearly 3) days.
I am getting very impatient though. I am uncomfortable, not so much in my body, though that has seemed to start last night with the backache, feet and legs and hips hurting, it's the nights of contracting that are getting to me!
The first was the night before Halloween, and since then about every 3-4 days I will go through an hour or two (or three) of fairly regular contractions that of course happen in during sleeping time. I had my worst round yet last night, I swore I was in labour. They were more intense than I had experienced before and accompanied by nausea and back pain and lots of cramping. But sure enough I couldn't find a regular pattern in them and after 2 hours they stopped.
I've heard my chiropractor say a few times now "we'll make the appointment for (insert date here), but you'll never make it!" It hurts to go to the appointment, I feel so frustrated! Last time he said well it sounds like your body has done the majority of the work already so it'll pretty much be a "one-push birth". That sounds exciting and scary at the same time.
I'm also beginning to get worried about how big this baby is getting. I know everyone keeps saying don't think about it but come on! All I have time to do is think! Eli was 6.5 lbs at 35.5 weeks, second babies are heavier, and every week for the last four or so they gain .5 lb... so by my calculation I have a 9 lb baby waiting to come out right now. *GULP
It's the emotional part that is throwing me for a loop, this on again off again contracting, is this it? Is THIS it? Is this IT? IS THIS IT?????!
I"m getting a contraction right now... baby if you can hear me... is this it????!
I know in many, many ways I'm very lucky to be this comfortable overall at this point in pregnancy. I just can't believe that someone as verbally expressive in the "no two labours/pregnancies/babies are alike" field, could have possibly convinced myself that this baby would be early too. I feel foolish in a lot of ways.
Oh and what is with this heartburn? My midwife said and I quote "women labour for hours to get baby's head this low", so why no heartburn relief??? I guess I just have no torso.
Well likely I have sufficiently complained enough to last me the rest of the pregnancy, so probably enough pity partying. I'm really hoping that the next time I am blogging I have a beautiful, peaceful birth story and a million pictures of my new little man to share. But after the last 3 WEEKS of fake contractions, I'm sure not holding my breath. Maybe baby wants to be a Sagittarius.... maybe baby wants a nicer birthstone than my yellow topaz... at any rate, baby is not here yet.
Soon I will meet you baby. Not to sound ominous but your days are numbered. And I can't wait =-)
I am getting very impatient though. I am uncomfortable, not so much in my body, though that has seemed to start last night with the backache, feet and legs and hips hurting, it's the nights of contracting that are getting to me!
The first was the night before Halloween, and since then about every 3-4 days I will go through an hour or two (or three) of fairly regular contractions that of course happen in during sleeping time. I had my worst round yet last night, I swore I was in labour. They were more intense than I had experienced before and accompanied by nausea and back pain and lots of cramping. But sure enough I couldn't find a regular pattern in them and after 2 hours they stopped.
I've heard my chiropractor say a few times now "we'll make the appointment for (insert date here), but you'll never make it!" It hurts to go to the appointment, I feel so frustrated! Last time he said well it sounds like your body has done the majority of the work already so it'll pretty much be a "one-push birth". That sounds exciting and scary at the same time.
I'm also beginning to get worried about how big this baby is getting. I know everyone keeps saying don't think about it but come on! All I have time to do is think! Eli was 6.5 lbs at 35.5 weeks, second babies are heavier, and every week for the last four or so they gain .5 lb... so by my calculation I have a 9 lb baby waiting to come out right now. *GULP
It's the emotional part that is throwing me for a loop, this on again off again contracting, is this it? Is THIS it? Is this IT? IS THIS IT?????!
I"m getting a contraction right now... baby if you can hear me... is this it????!
I know in many, many ways I'm very lucky to be this comfortable overall at this point in pregnancy. I just can't believe that someone as verbally expressive in the "no two labours/pregnancies/babies are alike" field, could have possibly convinced myself that this baby would be early too. I feel foolish in a lot of ways.
Oh and what is with this heartburn? My midwife said and I quote "women labour for hours to get baby's head this low", so why no heartburn relief??? I guess I just have no torso.
Well likely I have sufficiently complained enough to last me the rest of the pregnancy, so probably enough pity partying. I'm really hoping that the next time I am blogging I have a beautiful, peaceful birth story and a million pictures of my new little man to share. But after the last 3 WEEKS of fake contractions, I'm sure not holding my breath. Maybe baby wants to be a Sagittarius.... maybe baby wants a nicer birthstone than my yellow topaz... at any rate, baby is not here yet.
Soon I will meet you baby. Not to sound ominous but your days are numbered. And I can't wait =-)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sacrifice
Sacrifice is not a word I'm fond of but I've been thinking about a mother's sacrifice a lot lately. What we put our body's through being pregnant, what we go through in the birthing process and then how our body remains this alien vessel of not quite feeling like yours during milk production. If you have 3 kids and breast feed between all kids, in reality there could be a 10 year period where your body is on loan if you have 3 kids like we want.
And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned. You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.
My husband works a lot. Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that. But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son. It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant. So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no. Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy! Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.
I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way. I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see. Then it's like a week before and it's happening. To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore. By 7pm I'm cranky and tired. Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy. I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing? Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice. I would give anything to be able to be at that training too. He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.
So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice. I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget. Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did. I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift. And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice. Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.
I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers. Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them. It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish. So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes. I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.
I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am. It is very interesting being this pregnant. Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work. This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month. It's definitely unnerving. But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards. I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.
We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over. I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.
I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women. I really am not suffering much. I just wonder what last nights practice session was about. Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week. Is baby preparing? I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!
Thanks for listening virtual world! Maybe I can sleep now!
And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned. You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.
My husband works a lot. Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that. But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son. It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant. So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no. Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy! Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.
I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way. I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see. Then it's like a week before and it's happening. To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore. By 7pm I'm cranky and tired. Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy. I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing? Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice. I would give anything to be able to be at that training too. He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.
So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice. I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget. Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did. I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift. And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice. Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.
I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers. Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them. It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish. So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes. I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.
I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am. It is very interesting being this pregnant. Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work. This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month. It's definitely unnerving. But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards. I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.
We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over. I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.
I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women. I really am not suffering much. I just wonder what last nights practice session was about. Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week. Is baby preparing? I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!
Thanks for listening virtual world! Maybe I can sleep now!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Fulfillment: four letter word or just tricky to spell?
Hello friends,
I have been thinking a lot lately about fulfillment in my life. Ever since i have been off work especially. Some days I think is this my life? Such routine! Wake up, shower, change baby, feed baby, walk some netflix, change baby, feed baby, have a nap with baby, change baby feed baby watch some netflix. Granted sometimes we go for a walk if it's nice. And Eli has been sick lately so I haven't wanted to do much baking with him, having to constantly wipe his nose and such.
But what really do I have better to be doing? I mean it's not like I have the ability to fight crime. At work I was simply doing final reports and discharging paid off mortgages off of people's house titles. Was that more fulfilling of a routine than change, feed, nap, netflix? Nope, just a different routine.
It's hard not to get caught up in what you "should" be doing or think that what you are doing every day is not valuable.
Last night I held Eli while he slept through most of a movie and it was the best I've felt in weeks. That's gotta mean I'm on the right track right?
I am truly trying to enjoy these last weeks with just me and Eli. I have been starting to have crazy Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time and feeling weird just in general. I am definitely ready for a premature birth again, the house is all set up. I even brought the baby swing up this morning. Eli enjoyed spinning the mobile but drew the line when I suggested we put teddy in it to swing.
I've also noticed Eli clinging to Daddy a little more than usual which is neat and maybe some preparation on Eli's part to welcome baby. Sharing mom will definitely be a new experience for him.
Another thing I am quite excited about is my maternity photos which I actually got to get this time! We did a bunch with me in yoga poses and some with the whole family in an apple orchard. They are just beautiful! I'm so blessed to know such a wonderful photographer: Kelly Lindsey Photography
I'm happy I feel ready this time, but I will feel good about going full term if it's meant to happen this time. As I said above I feel strange and my Braxton-Hicks contractions are bad but other than that I feel pretty darn good. My body is a little achy but not too bad. I just have to avoid walking which is hard when you feel cooped up and need some fresh air. I'm trying everything I can to keep this one in though. We'll see if I still feel that way in 6 weeks, hehe.
So to sum up, I've decided I'm living a very fulfilled life right now. I think people get too caught up in comparing lives with others, this is my life at this moment and raising kids is pretty darn important in the grand scheme of things. The occupation of mom has always been there, what other jobs can say that?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Be prepared
I thought this title was appropraite due the re-release of The Lion King so recently and my topic of discussion today: preparation.
I've had a tough past couple of days worrying. I don't usually consider myself a worry-ier and try to avoid the practice completely but there is just something about pregnancy that takes over my mind sometimes and throws me into total panic mode.
I think it has something to do with the immense responsibility you feel as a mother carrying a baby, growing a baby. You are the only one essentially taking care of this baby or even in tune with what is going on with baby so if anything were to go wrong, you would blame yourself.
On Sunday night I felt baby drop into my pelvis. That was about 31 weeks 2 days and at my midwife appointment yesterday, my midwife confirmed that yes I was correct. I thought back to my other little guy dropping at 32 weeks and being born at 35.5 weeks and from that second on, every stretch, pain, kick, punch, or general feeling made me go "Oh my god! Am I in labour? Is this baby coming even earlier than my first?"
I literally worried myself sick last night to the point of nausea. Then I had a good cry on my husband's shoulder. He played a real good rock for me last night. As much as I know all these things already like there's really nothing I can do about the circumstances and that everything will unfold how it's supposed to and that I'm not doing anything to cause my baby to be born early and/or unhealthy, sometimes you need to hear it from another source. Not from your crazy pregnant brain.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. Part of me is so exhausted and wants no responsibility anymore and part of me thinks what if I go to term and am bored for two months? Another less proud part of me worries I'm not going to transition back to full time mom well, especially being so tired and cranky. But I know this is the time to stop and that's just it.
I am packing my hospital bag this weekend, just in case. That will make me feel good just to have a bag with a nursing bra, post pregnancy clothes, and a couple cute onesies, diapers, soothers, and hats for new little guy. Then I'm going to finish prepping diapers, try and sell my single stroller, and go through all the clothes I have and have been given and launder them. You know, nest. Like I didn't get a chance to last time.
So I'm just looking at basic all round preparation of my life and some preparation in my head of having two wonderful little boys in my care.
Like any Mom I am already struggling with the how to keep me alive, my identity other than "Mommy". I'm hoping to try baking with Eli which will be a messy but fun endeavour. I also want to do some painting, again messy but fun. Maybe that's the theme of life, messy but fun, hehe.
Anyway, help me pray for little one to sit cozy in my pelvis for another 5 weeks 2 days or more :D
I've had a tough past couple of days worrying. I don't usually consider myself a worry-ier and try to avoid the practice completely but there is just something about pregnancy that takes over my mind sometimes and throws me into total panic mode.
I think it has something to do with the immense responsibility you feel as a mother carrying a baby, growing a baby. You are the only one essentially taking care of this baby or even in tune with what is going on with baby so if anything were to go wrong, you would blame yourself.
On Sunday night I felt baby drop into my pelvis. That was about 31 weeks 2 days and at my midwife appointment yesterday, my midwife confirmed that yes I was correct. I thought back to my other little guy dropping at 32 weeks and being born at 35.5 weeks and from that second on, every stretch, pain, kick, punch, or general feeling made me go "Oh my god! Am I in labour? Is this baby coming even earlier than my first?"
I literally worried myself sick last night to the point of nausea. Then I had a good cry on my husband's shoulder. He played a real good rock for me last night. As much as I know all these things already like there's really nothing I can do about the circumstances and that everything will unfold how it's supposed to and that I'm not doing anything to cause my baby to be born early and/or unhealthy, sometimes you need to hear it from another source. Not from your crazy pregnant brain.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. Part of me is so exhausted and wants no responsibility anymore and part of me thinks what if I go to term and am bored for two months? Another less proud part of me worries I'm not going to transition back to full time mom well, especially being so tired and cranky. But I know this is the time to stop and that's just it.
I am packing my hospital bag this weekend, just in case. That will make me feel good just to have a bag with a nursing bra, post pregnancy clothes, and a couple cute onesies, diapers, soothers, and hats for new little guy. Then I'm going to finish prepping diapers, try and sell my single stroller, and go through all the clothes I have and have been given and launder them. You know, nest. Like I didn't get a chance to last time.
So I'm just looking at basic all round preparation of my life and some preparation in my head of having two wonderful little boys in my care.
Like any Mom I am already struggling with the how to keep me alive, my identity other than "Mommy". I'm hoping to try baking with Eli which will be a messy but fun endeavour. I also want to do some painting, again messy but fun. Maybe that's the theme of life, messy but fun, hehe.
Anyway, help me pray for little one to sit cozy in my pelvis for another 5 weeks 2 days or more :D
Thursday, September 8, 2011
pregnant and homeless?
So lately we've actually had some good feedback on our house. The house we liked very much's owner decided she would be open to trading houses. Of course the deal she offered was not at all in our favor and we were going to counter and then our budget changed... A little frustrating. I could really see us living in that house, it was the only one that felt like a home so far.
Anyway then we get about two hours notice yesterday for a viewing which we accommodate by getting my dear sweet mother to evacuate our house while babysitting Little E, oh and could you hang all my laundry and make my bed before you leave btw?? And they put us on their short list and wanted to see it again this morning! Apparently we are in their top two they are just waiting for some kind of input from the guy's father. So now it's a waiting game, though I feel very optimistic. I said it would take 36 days to sell our house and it has now been 34. Plus we just spent the weekend at an amazing yoga immersion. Everything seems easier after we go to one of them. In fact it was the wednesday after we got back from my first immersion that I found this house which was exactly what I was trying to manifest.
Anyway then we get about two hours notice yesterday for a viewing which we accommodate by getting my dear sweet mother to evacuate our house while babysitting Little E, oh and could you hang all my laundry and make my bed before you leave btw?? And they put us on their short list and wanted to see it again this morning! Apparently we are in their top two they are just waiting for some kind of input from the guy's father. So now it's a waiting game, though I feel very optimistic. I said it would take 36 days to sell our house and it has now been 34. Plus we just spent the weekend at an amazing yoga immersion. Everything seems easier after we go to one of them. In fact it was the wednesday after we got back from my first immersion that I found this house which was exactly what I was trying to manifest.
The problem remaining with all of this is that we have no place to move into. We don't even have a possibility at this point. I am now 29 weeks pregnant. Last time we moved I was 34 weeks pregnant and a week and a half later pop! Out came Eli.
I'm starting to feel really nervous about early labor again. I know stressing about it won't help stop it that's for sure but I can't seem to help it. So much is going on and then I keep looking for signs because I want to be ready but then am I just creating false signs? Two nights ago I almost convinced myself that my water broke. Seeing as there was no gush of fluid afterwards, reality sunk in that it was just me worrying too much.
I can't believe how hard it is to work 3 full days a week, take care of an 19 month old, keep your house clean for showings all while your husband works 60 hours a week. Oh and be PREGNANT AND TIRED! Who's idea was this?
I'm definitely having heart burn, thank goodness for Univera's Aloe Gold, pretty much instant relief. I am having body pain every where. I am running out of room in my short torso and looking forward to baby dropping which I think happened around 32 weeks with Eli. So other than massive fear of early labor and body pain I'm coping quite well, not really any huge complaints. I just kind of wish I could have an idea where and when I can nest. I'm getting those urges and I just feel unsettled.
I think I'm buying a double stroller tomorrow. I really hope it works out. I've been struggling over this purchase for 7 months now. I thought I wanted a Phil and Ted's but then I heard they are not the best quality, especially in the wheels. Plus I can't find one cheap enough used. Then I thought maybe a BOB but I remembered how much I didn't like it at the store (the single) and how it won't fit through doorways. Then I thought ok I'll get one with the little hitchhiker on the back but they don't come with air filled tires and when you walk as much as I do that just blows. I kept thinking man I love my valco I don't want to give it up, maybe I'll just wear one baby and keep my valco, but I see the issues with that, the main one being that will only work for like a year. Then I saw a double valco for sale used. The woman claims it fits through her front door and all standard doors at 33 inches wide. It's even the same color as my valco, it's just double the goodness. I have never regretted buying my valco for an instant. Yes it was expensive but it was paid for by the end of Eli's second month with how much walking I did with it. So why wouldn't I just get the bigger version. PLUS, this is a newer model than mine (only 9 months old) and you can buy the hitchhiker attachment for a child to stand on the back so really it will even work with a third child. Gold. I'm very excited.
I also want to buy my cloth diapers (3 sets of the Bum Genius Flip's) tomorrow, which we can't really afford but I think I'm just dying to start getting ready and I can't do anything at home so this is as good as it gets. Then maybe I can feel a little closer to this little babe coming.
I'm so excited to meet this little person! I'm also nervous that I'm forgetting all the really hard parts about having a newborn and baby. The sleepless nights, the no time to yourself, the constant dependency. Plus I have Eli's needs this time. I know it'll all be great though, Eli is such a great help and will be an amazing big brother.
Anyway I think I need to get some sleep now, I didn't plan on writing this much but here I am. Yoga lesson plans will just have to wait until another day I suppose.
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