100 Real Mom Days

I have not been having an easy time lately. I've been feeling over stressed, under appreciated, anxious and skirting depression.

I know no one handles change well but I'm pretty sure I handle it less well than others. It takes me a really long time to make a decision and I agonize over it the whole way. Well I'm not sure if you know this but parenting is pretty much all decision making, all day. And they are important ones, that can affect their life in big ways. Making decisions for another human being is SUPER stressful!

So I've been working on finding the perfect elementary school for Eli, trying to get Ozzy potty trained to go to his preschool, trying to plan a perfect summer, trying to survive year end of three different activities and preschool, all with full fledged running 10 month old who has discovered his cranky side (probably due to teething). 

I keep thinking, researching how I can do things better. How can I better potty train? How can I better deal with Eli's frustration and meltdowns? How can I get the boys' energy out best? Does going out in the afternoon work better than the morning? Does going to the chiropractor help Griffy or should I be taking him to the naturopath?

It's exhausting! And I finally put the pieces together last night that I have to stop trying to be better at everything! I sat down and I wrote a list. I wrote what kind of mother I want to be. For example :
A mother that plays.
A mother that sings.
A mother that dances.
A mother that cries.
A mother that prays.

It was much longer than that though of course. But it put in perspective that yeah I yell sometimes, but I also dance, sing, laugh, play, cry, and am real with my kids.

I keep seeing these 100 happy days challenges which I am all for, power to ya! I also have been seeing a lot of articles lately about social media is perpetuating unachievable standards in parenting (among other things) by only posting the good stuff.

Well I've decided to challenge all mothers (and fathers if they want!) for 100 Real Mom (or Dad) Days. I'm behind on the times and don't have twitter and I haven't had the heart to hashtag yet (call it a personal protest) but feel free to if you're into that!
My medium will be facebook.

I'm planning on posting one picture a day with a real mom moment. It could be a frustrated moment, a sad moment, a grumpy moment or a happy moment. Even a grateful moment. But no sugar coating. If you had a 90% crummy day you should probably reflect that. I'm sure it will be relate-able and it will hopefully be a good laugh as you look back on it. But let's be there for each other on the bad days as well as the good!

I would have started today had I gotten a picture of the ridiculous underwear change I did today (more of that on facebook) but sadly I didn't, so I will start tomorrow. 
100 days, here we go! 

Still figuring it all out

Parenting epiphanies seem to happen a lot. It's like you're walking around stubbing your toe on the same items over and over and over until you want to punch the wall and then all of a sudden everything clicks and your outlook changes and your toes (and wall) rest safe. And this happens like every two weeks. You think you have the ultimate answer to all of parenting and then two weeks later you discover the new ultimate answer to all of parenting.
Oh well. It's all you have at any given moment so instead of the ultimate answer in parenting I might call it the GPS coordinates to your next stop. 

I have been having a really low time lately. I blame it mostly on sleep deprivation. My kiddos have gone through two colds and a stomach bug in the last month and it means someone almost always needs me at least a couple of times in the middle of the night. I've been averaging 3-5 hours of non-consecutive hours of sleep for months, at least since I got my Fitbit for Christmas. And anyone with children knows when they get sick they cough into your mouth or puke on your shirt or use your clothes as their kleenex. Try staying well with that. And then once sick, try getting better on 3-5 hours of non-consecutive sleep.

So yeah I'm having a hard time. 

My epiphany was that so what if I pace the floor at 2:00am and have 1,000 steps before anyone I know even wakes up? So what if I have to nurse Griffy 15 times a day because he is sick and will not sleep more than 15 minutes at a time. So what if in the 30 seconds it took me to pee the middle little decided to pour out the milk he HAD to have before I could use the facilities onto his plate to make a pancake island? So what if after being told 5 times a day since he was 5 months old my 5 year old still plays with my hair and ends up pulling it?

I have been blessed with three miracles.

I see people in life who waited till they were older and may only have one kid, I see people with fertility issues, I see people who had a baby with the wrong person or at the wrong time or with the right person and then lose that person, or people who have miscarriage after miscarriage or lose their babies late in the pregnancy. 
I have three miracles. I lost one baby but I've got three to hold. I am so lucky. I've heard the phrase you never regret the children you had only the one's you didn't have.

My life is hard work. Round the clock work. It brings me to emotions I can't handle some times. It makes me scream and cry and sometimes say things I regret. But all I can do is start over each moment and be grateful and do my best.

GPS coordinates set to grateful.

Finding your happy in being a Mommy

Good day friends!

More months pass as I learn more about being a Mama. I have a LeapFrog counting video on right now trying to distract my big boys. Griffy is playing with my toes and losing patience, Ozzy is insisting on being in my lap so I have to keep switching my head from side to side around his curly locked head, and Eli is totally immersed and telling me all about the characters. I am finding happiness in this moment instead of being totally stressed out and yell-y. I'm not saying it's like this all the time but right now it is.

I read an article someone posted on facebook recently called How I Rediscovered Happiness in Motherhood . I went in thinking I need this but am I really going to read anything I've never read before? Is there anything new they can tell me about being happy that I don't already know? Sometimes it takes reading things in a different way for them to sink in and this was the article for me.

I liked how she referred to the different stages as seasons. It's so true that certain 'seasons' bring goods and bads. My eldest is always sad to see a season go but perpetually excited for the next big thing. He's sad to see Christmas go but loving sledding and excited for his birthday. 

So here is the summary of the seasons my boys are in:

Eli is in the season of figuring out his independence. He is struggling with doing things on his own time and when he wants which means he has accidents because he is stubborn. He's loving being a big brother but it also makes him feel isolated and in need of acting like he can't do things himself like getting dressed so he can get attention. He is, however, finding himself. He's making friends, he's an awesome helper when you ask, we've been doing dishes every night together and talking. He tells stories and is compassionate and he made sure that I invited his preschool teachers to his birthday party. I'm really starting to enjoy just hanging out with him. I'm learning about who he is and what he needs. When he's grumpy he needs quality time or a directed hands-on activity like crafts, play dough or drawing. He prefers activities he can do solo like hip hop or gymnastics where he can be around others but doesn't have to work as a team. This is making it hard for me to decide where to put him for kindergarten next year. I want to put him in public school but I think he's not quite ready for full days and getting lost in a group setting. He has been at his preschool two years now and his reading is progressing so well that I would love to see how a third year would go. 

Ozzy is in the season of trouble. He's into everything and if it's quiet and you can't see him you know you're in for a mess to clean up. He's very defiant and want's to do everything himself. But he is also my big cuddle bug. He always wants in my lap and he loves to cuddle with his little brother too. I'm loving the extra love he's always supplying to me. Love is my oxygen lately, or at least my sleep ;) Potty training is also not going well but I'm trying to relax and breathe through the process, it'll happen, and as much as I hate buying pull ups for a boy who won't tell me when he has to go to the bathroom EVER, they help him feel like a big boy so I should stick with it.

Griffin is in the season of happy baby. He is just an amazing baby. He naps, he plays independently. He is trying to crawl and can sit and sit up from his tummy. He falls asleep on his own sometimes which baffles me after my first two. He is teething though which means grumpy days and nights which are hard on me. So I'm not sleeping a lot. But the precious cuddles as they fall asleep on you, the nursing, the wonderful nursing, even when it interrupts my meals, is amazing. I love sustaining my children with my own body, it's so empowering. 6 Months is around the corner and part of me always feels sad to introduce real food. I'm a little worried about his eyesight, he has a lazy eye and doesn't seem to see very far so he is visiting a ophthamologist soon which has me nervous but excited to get some answers.

All the seasons have good and bad like the fun snow to play and the gross slush to walk in outside our door.

Another one that I have heard before is 'be kind and forgiving to yourself'.

This one line struck a nerve with me:

'Our kids will forgive our impatience, so we must learn to forgive ourselves.'

And they do, those beautiful souls always forgive when Mama yells and loses patience.

Forgiving myself also means me asking for help. I'm asking for help lots and trying not to feel guilty about napping during the day while my mom can watch them. I'm planning lots but trying not to overplan a day. Keep them busy enough to get tired and keep out of trouble but not so much that they have no downtime.

The last thing I took from that article was focus on what you do good not what you don't do well. 

What a simple concept and a wonderful way to love yourself and display your best self to your kids.

It had me taking a deep look at what I really enjoy doing with my children and trying to do more of it. So a look at my favorite moments of the day.

Holding Griffin when he first wakes up and is so smiley.

Baking (with one not two) yummy food for our family to enjoy.

Doing dishes with Eli where we get to be close, be busy and helpful and have quiet time to talk about his day.

Laughing with my children whether it's brushing out sugar bugs from their teeth or making a silly puppet show or dancing in the living room to Bruno Mars and LMFAO.

Reading to my children before bed when they snuggle in close and choose their favorite books.

Snuggling. I really love snuggling in bed, and comforting my kids when they have nightmares. Being that reassuring, security blanket is the most powerful thing I can do in life.

I cleaned up a lot of toys recently too so we spend less time cleaning up and more time playing because one thing I am not good at is cleaning the house, enjoying dishes time with Eli is helping with this struggle for clean is good too. 

Routine is another struggle for me so I have a basic routine and then I'm flexible with it. I have a morning routine but it's not timed, it unfolds depending on time of wake up and mood of the boys. The boys also have 2 get out of bath free cards a week. And if I have a little extra time and Ozzy says "Mommy please make pancakes?" you bet your fanny I'm making pancakes.

I genuinely love spending time with my kids. It's finding the patience to enjoy the moments of the present that is another struggle. So I have found a few other articles that I have found really useful lately.

I read an article recently that I just can't find to reference about a woman who started saying "take your time" to her kids but Hands Free Mama has a similar article about eliminating "Hurry Up" from her vocabulary:

The day I stopped saying hurry up

I've really tried my best to start saying "take your time" to my kids when others time is respected in the process as well. If we are on a walk then I need to slow down and let the the littles explore. If it's going to take them 3 extra minutes to do it themselves sometimes I have to let them. I need to learn to give extra time when we need to be somewhere like preschool on time. 

Another article that has been helping me with patience lately is this Hands Free Mama gem The 3 second pause (that can save a morning, spare some pain. Take 3 seconds, breathe and figure out what the real issue is. 

This saved us the other night when hubby was tired of being accommodating at bedtime and our oldest came out upset. He said he was cold and needed another blanket and that the clock was wrong. I calmly said I would come with him and give him another blanket despite my husband's protests that he already had 3 blankets. By the time I got into his bedroom he told me he was looking for a special blanket (one my aunt made him) and that his clock was behind in time from the clock in our bedroom. By adding one minute to his clock and giving him that blanket bedtime finished in 2 minutes rather than if we had ignored his simple requests for security and therefore love which would have resulted in a half hour (at least) battle to stay in bed.

So I am finding my happy as a mother and also trying to find time to  discover some happy as a woman again, if my body cooperates that will mean exercise and also activities like a bath, good book, and cooking. I have been enjoying cooking so much now that I'm not pregnant and enjoy food again.

So maybe someone reading this will discover a new way of reading this old information and have an "ah-hah" moment like I had.

Life

Well the post-pregnancy decay of my body has set in. I'm in physio at the arthritis clinic again with a very lovely woman. For those of you that don't know I have a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I believe I have written about it before, but just in case you haven't read every post it's a form of arthritis that is an auto-immune, inflammatory disease. 

Physio has been hard, especially fitting in time to do the exercises. Plus the exercises while good for me and ridiculously easy, make me sore. Come on! Lying on the floor with your palms up shouldn't be an exercise. It's so frustrating!

There is just so much I need to work on and it's just as my physiotherapist said "to maintain what you have now". I won't even be getting better, that will come later if at all. When we get talking about how I have bone edema and how that doesn't show up on xrays until it's too late and the damage is done and how the next step, once I'm done having babies and nursing them is biologics. I remember leaving the rheumatologist office and on the way out is the room where the patients sit in their oversized chairs attached to IV's looking solemn and overweight from the lack of ability to move their bodies. Is this my future? That thought scares me more than anything. I am so scared.

I've found a few strategies that help me lately like hot baths and massaging my leg when it's weightless so I can actually relax enough for it to be effective and going for walks as long as they aren't too far or too stressful. Leaving the house today was just insane and it made me want to tear out my hair. I asked them about 10 times whether they actually even wanted to go outside.

As scared as I am about what my future means for me, the hardest part is how it might affect my kids. When I have flares I already have to have Eli help more than he should and I can't bend down to tie my kids shoes, I can't carry my baby sometimes in fear that my leg is going to give out and I could fall. Eli is finally at the age where he is starting to understand that my body doesn't always work the same as others and it's really hard to be so vulnerable and ask so much of my little man. Sometimes I'm so angry at my body. I'll be 31 next week and this should not be how I feel. I want to run, I want to play football, I want to play in general, no restrictions and enjoy my time with my kids. I get angry and stressed and sad and then I end up sitting on the couch most of the time, with thoughts of I'll get healthy later when I'm feeling well. It's such a double edged sword that I can't stay active but must stay active to keep my body moving.

Feeling down but trying to keep hopeful.

More time flies by

My little Griffy is 3 months old.

I'm not sure what it is this time, if it's just being a third time mother and more at ease, or that I've learned some things from the first two babies, or if Griffy is just an amazing baby, but he is pretty easy.

Sometimes I try to imagine if he was my first baby. Boy would I have been in for a lot heart ache and stress if I had him first and Eli second, yeesh.

Eli is an amazing boy now but as wee babe, I had a lot of trouble enjoying myself as a mother until he could walk around 9 months. Maybe he just needed to move and run to be happy, seems to still be the case, haha.

Ozzy is a huge cuddle bug and I think that's why he was a bit easier and would sleep but usually only near me. Still true to this day, loves his cuddles.

Griffy will sleep on his own for long stretches during the day but sleeps with me at night. He is by far the smiliest, happiest baby I've had. He wakes up after a 3 hour nap cranky until you pick him up and look at him then he smiles and coos and is the happiest thing you ever saw. He doesn't even think about eating for a good 15-30 minutes. He also loves his mat, his mobile, his exersaucer, pretty much everything... and everyone.

I'm happy I'm able to enjoy my last baby so much. What a blessing. I'm telling myself its because I'm better able to read him. He tells me what he wants. Maybe that's practice from the others or maybe we just have a stronger connection, or again maybe he's just easy. At any rate I'm counting my blessings. He is waking twice a night now rather than just once but oh well, I can live with that....except on mornings the big boys wake me at 4:45am, ick. Griffy's stats are rough because I'm just adding a little from his 2.5 month check up but at 3 months I'm guessing he is 16 lbs and 26.5 inches.
BIG! Ozzy was that long at 5-6 months.

Griffy needs to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!

Griffin's birth

A week ago I was getting pretty frustrated that I kept putting things on hold for baby, and even more importantly everyone else did too. My friend couldn't go to a new store that opened an hour away, my parents couldn't go an hour away to do a big shop at a large store. So on Saturday I gave everyone permission to just do what they need to do, we ended up doing a road trip too. We tried out our new DVD player and Ozzy got carsick outside of Tim Horton's :P We also got some bulk groceries and of course kitty litter. I did not go into labour, everyone got to do what they wanted, it was a great day and felt kind of freeing.

July 28th, 2014:

I didn't really sleep well Sunday night so I made sure I had a nap Monday morning.
Then I went to the chiropractor, met with another "are you still pregnant?" haha :P I had a really strong contraction on the way there and even a bigger one on the way home. I decided I may not be safe to drive any more if those contractions were going to be a regular happening.

I got home and had some lunch and hung out with my mom and the boys. Then about 2:40pm I had another strong, painful contraction. I had some more and my mom kept telling me this is it, but I was too afraid to get behind it because they were still about 25 mins apart. I was convinced when they got to 10 minutes apart and it was 4:30pm because usually by the 2 hour point they peter out for me if it's not the real deal. So I called my midwives and she and I talked and because of my history of quick labours she said she would come check if I wanted. She checked me at about 5:15pm and my water broke. So we mobilized Team Birth! 

The contractions got a lot stronger pretty soon after and I was doing the standing/leaning thing for awhile and then decided lying down would be better and more restful.

My mom and Justin's mom had taken the boys outside to play after I was trying to make the birth bed and Eli was so excited he bounced on the bed and off into the wall head first.

Contractions were very intense and I had to fight the urge to push A LOT. I'll never forget that feeling of no control, your body just trying to take over and your mind trying to keep up. I don't think I pushed more than 5 or 6 times before my baby's head was out and my midwives guided me through a fist by his head and a slow delivery. I'm so thankful for them and my pretty standard, easy to sew up tear this time. And then he was born at 7:34pm!

Having my sweet baby on my chest and not having to let him go for anything which was a total first for me was just amazing. My mother in law and Eli came in less than a minute after he was born which was really neat. Eli asked a lot of questions and seemed concerned but pretty all right with everything overall.

I got to hold him for a good hour while I was stitched up. Justin said, you know you're going to have to give him up some time! I replied, are you getting sewed up right now? I'll give him up when that's done.

When I finally gave him up my Mother In Law brought me a beautiful piece of toast, very much enjoyed as I missed dinner which I shared with my little toast machine Ozzy and had a cuddle. 

I felt really great afterwards, I could walk around by myself and get myself things which was much different from feeling so awful, shaky, and dependent on others after Ozzy's birth.  All in all if he hadn't had his fist up by his head I may not have torn and then it probably would have been the perfect birth. I got to hold my hubby and my best friend's hands the whole time, I got to be in my house, in my bed, I got a quick labour, a minor tear, and a beautiful healthy baby boy.

He was 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. He was also nameless for a bit.

I got to looking at names the next morning and narrowed it down to 5 that resonated with this little man. One that was jumping out at me the most was Griffin and after I showed Justin the 5 names he said Griffin as well, so it was a pretty easy decision. His middle name is Theodore after my mom and my mom in law's family. Theodore is my mother in law's brother's name and my mom's father's middle name.

He may get some Harry Potter nicknames though we realized later as the hybrid of the two names is Griffin-dore, haha.

I am adjusting pretty well. Breastfeeding is agony as I remembered it to be the first week. The boys are super emotional and not listening well but I'm trying to give them lots of love. My hormones are all over the place, as is my sleep. But I am so happy that my family is now complete and I have my three wonderful boys and the support and love of my wonderful husband (and extended family and friends of course). I am so blessed! 

But I think I have used all the time I have right now, Grif is a pretty good sleeper so far but he's due for some milk any minute.

(Getting) Ready?

First of all, this is my 100th post on this blog! Thanks for all who dare to read it, even if occasionally! It is a pleasure to write, and I have really enjoyed these nearly 5 years of learning how to Mommy.

I'm 34 weeks and I'm feeling pretty done. As much as I'm sad this is the last time I'll be pregnant I'm ready to wrap up the finale of "Shelly: The Pregnant Years" and start the series premiere of "My Three Sons".

One thing I'm struggling to get over is the fact that being pregnant makes me feel "special". People want to do things for you, you get special treatment, more massages, more leeway in general to be sore, tired, and/or moody. From here on after this pregnancy I'm no longer a mom-to-be I'm just a plain old mom. And we all know mom's are just supposed to put others needs ahead of their own. A nap? Psssh. A super-mom doesn't need a nap! 

After birth, my body tends to go a little crazy with hormones and my inflammation issues get much worse so not only will I be sleep deprived I will be in a lot of pain. So I'll have to go on a pretty strict wheat-free diet to help with that and I'm also looking into some physiotherapy this time around. So that will be easy with all my free time looking after 3 boys. Also my eating and weight have not been on my mind as something I can control in the past 5 years because I figure what's the point if I'm just going to get pregnant again? This means my wardrobe is stuffed to the brim with every size imaginable because who knows what size I will be at any given moment.

So despite having to work out all that plus in a year deciding how much I want to be working, I'm pretty ready to have this baby on the outside of my tummy. 

Here are my reasons why:

• 1. Everything gives me heartburn, I feel like a fire breathing dragon 90% of the day. All the papaya extract and tums in the world can't cure this crap.
  
  
  2. My entire body aches. Shins? You bet! Ears? Sure. Every day feels like 'the day after I was thrown from a moving bus' day.
  
  
  3. I'm still kind of nauseous. Ridiculous, I know! Though it's partially from the fact that I don't want to eat in risk of heartburn that I feel so ill.
  
  
  4. I'm getting dangerously close to punching a stranger for the "you look ready to pop" comments and the "I guess you'll try again for a girl" asides. I hate feeling like I'm letting down a complete stranger by saying actually it's another boy.
  
  
  5. I'm boiling, especially my feet. They feel similar to what I could imagine mini volcanoes feel like. I can be sitting with my feet in ice cold water with a fan blowing on me and I'm still sweating like I'm in the Sahara Desert.
  
  
  6. I'm waiting on confirmation from the midwife but I believe I have a condition called irritable uterus. Laugh if you want and then you can google it and stop. It basically means I have Braxton-Hicks contractions that are more than just tightenings, they feel like full on labor contractions. I had something similar with Oz, it was weeks of, "am I in labour, or am I not?" I was really hoping to skip that this time, but at least I'm much less scared of pre-term labor knowing this joy can go on for weeks and weeks. The only thing that makes it better is lying down on my side for a couple hours until it goes away. I hear there's a cure but it involves having your baby so I'll wait a bit for that.
  
  
  7.  I'm exhausted. I could have a 2 hour nap an hour after I wake up in the morning. Then if I do anything outside or stand or walk for about 5 minutes, then I need another nap. But it has to be a nap because sleeping the whole night through is just a thing of the past. Every 30 minutes I need to wake up to flip my body in the style of an awkward shaped pancake. The there is the million bathroom breaks a night and I'm getting over some sort of tonsil issue which means a very sore throat and about 3-4 times a night I wake up gasping for breath like some sort of sleep apnea. I'm looking forward to switching from desperately trying to sleep but cannot to would desperately love to sleep but cannot. There's a difference. Believe me. Either that or I'm too sleep-deprived to realize there's not. 

So crib is set up, baby stuff is washed. We have a car seat. I'm ready to enjoy this baby from the outside now. I know that baby benefits from every day he stays in there but it can't hurt my chances of not going to 40 weeks if I let this little guy know I'm ready and waiting. See ya when you're ready little guy!