Two plus how many

When I started this blog I had to find a name for it that was not taken.  I tried a few different names like yoga mommy etc., all of which were taken and then it came to me:  Two plus how many?  The two being hubby and I and the how many being how many kids are we going to have? 


Around when we were getting married hubby wanted two and I wanted three.


Then we had one and we both thought let's have three for sure!  A few months later hubby said let's have even more.  I wasn't convinced.


Anyway I always had three in my head, even when one felt like a handful.  This was especially true after we found out Ozzy was going to be a boy since I had previously had that baby spirit meditation where I met a little girl.


The next parts are hard to write, though I pride myself in being totally candid and not leaving out any of the dark, dirty details.  This past week has been a difficult one.  I'm not sure if it has something to do with Venus being so close but I have been feeling so depressed.  Quite a few days I have wished to not be me.  Quite often I felt out of control and totally impatient with my poor boys.  My patting for burps on Ozzy would get way too hard when I just for the love of god want to get some sleep and he'd cry harder.  Or  just any time Eli would not listen to me I would fly off the handle and he would give me that look like, "I don't understand why I can't do anything right for you mommy."  There were times when I could have just walked out the door.  There were times when I thought just not being alive might be easier.  The terrible two's can be pretty terrible.  Especially when combined with a cluster-feeding teether.  


At any rate I finally decided something that made me feel a lot better.  I am done having kids, for now.  I add the for now because I'm not entirely sure but I know that I can't have any more children until Eli gets a lot easier.  A. Lot. Easier.


In some ways I find this realization crushing.  I really want a girl.  It goes without saying that I love my boys but for many reasons I still want a girl.  I also feel like there's this little girl soul waiting out there for us.  


I also feel relieved.  I feel like I've built up our family as a family of five in my head.  But a good friend of mine would agree that the ratio of arms to young children should been even and not exceeded.  Quite often on the weekends a break for me is hubby taking one boy and me taking the other.  I also think quality time with each child is important.  

Some people will tell me I'm being silly but I feel like a terrible mom lately.  If I can't be a good mom for 2 kids then I have no business having a third.


So I am coming to terms with the thought that maybe we are meant to be a family of four.  Or maybe there needs to be a large gap between #2 and #3.  Like at least 3 years.


For the longest time I was thinking the closer the better.  I want to be done with diapers. My body also doesn't seem to be getting any younger or less sore.  But I can't push another child (pun intended) into our world just because certain things might be easier on me if I did.


I remember the day my chiropractor said I was finally recovering from Eli's birth.  It was the day I told him I was pregnant again.  My poor body doesn't seem to do well pregnant or breastfeeding.  I also feel like I need to get some resemblance of a life back.  It was such a treat tonight when I didn't have to put Eli to bed.  A night out with friends or a date night is so rare I barely feel like a person any more.  All my stories begin with, "my son did.. or my son puked on me... or... well you get the picture.  


And I am so bloody tired.  I'm sure that has a ton to do with my short fuse and depression. But still.


Two plus how many?  It's still a question as far as I'm concerned.  But the pressure is off.