I have not been having an easy time lately. I've been feeling over stressed, under appreciated, anxious and skirting depression.
I know no one handles change well but I'm pretty sure I handle it less well than others. It takes me a really long time to make a decision and I agonize over it the whole way. Well I'm not sure if you know this but parenting is pretty much all decision making, all day. And they are important ones, that can affect their life in big ways. Making decisions for another human being is SUPER stressful!
So I've been working on finding the perfect elementary school for Eli, trying to get Ozzy potty trained to go to his preschool, trying to plan a perfect summer, trying to survive year end of three different activities and preschool, all with full fledged running 10 month old who has discovered his cranky side (probably due to teething).
I keep thinking, researching how I can do things better. How can I better potty train? How can I better deal with Eli's frustration and meltdowns? How can I get the boys' energy out best? Does going out in the afternoon work better than the morning? Does going to the chiropractor help Griffy or should I be taking him to the naturopath?
It's exhausting! And I finally put the pieces together last night that I have to stop trying to be better at everything! I sat down and I wrote a list. I wrote what kind of mother I want to be. For example :
A mother that plays.
A mother that sings.
A mother that dances.
A mother that cries.
A mother that prays.
It was much longer than that though of course. But it put in perspective that yeah I yell sometimes, but I also dance, sing, laugh, play, cry, and am real with my kids.
I keep seeing these 100 happy days challenges which I am all for, power to ya! I also have been seeing a lot of articles lately about social media is perpetuating unachievable standards in parenting (among other things) by only posting the good stuff.
Well I've decided to challenge all mothers (and fathers if they want!) for 100 Real Mom (or Dad) Days. I'm behind on the times and don't have twitter and I haven't had the heart to hashtag yet (call it a personal protest) but feel free to if you're into that!
My medium will be facebook.
I'm planning on posting one picture a day with a real mom moment. It could be a frustrated moment, a sad moment, a grumpy moment or a happy moment. Even a grateful moment. But no sugar coating. If you had a 90% crummy day you should probably reflect that. I'm sure it will be relate-able and it will hopefully be a good laugh as you look back on it. But let's be there for each other on the bad days as well as the good!
I would have started today had I gotten a picture of the ridiculous underwear change I did today (more of that on facebook) but sadly I didn't, so I will start tomorrow.
100 days, here we go!
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Still figuring it all out
Parenting epiphanies seem to happen a lot. It's like you're walking around stubbing your toe on the same items over and over and over until you want to punch the wall and then all of a sudden everything clicks and your outlook changes and your toes (and wall) rest safe. And this happens like every two weeks. You think you have the ultimate answer to all of parenting and then two weeks later you discover the new ultimate answer to all of parenting.
Oh well. It's all you have at any given moment so instead of the ultimate answer in parenting I might call it the GPS coordinates to your next stop.
I have been having a really low time lately. I blame it mostly on sleep deprivation. My kiddos have gone through two colds and a stomach bug in the last month and it means someone almost always needs me at least a couple of times in the middle of the night. I've been averaging 3-5 hours of non-consecutive hours of sleep for months, at least since I got my Fitbit for Christmas. And anyone with children knows when they get sick they cough into your mouth or puke on your shirt or use your clothes as their kleenex. Try staying well with that. And then once sick, try getting better on 3-5 hours of non-consecutive sleep.
So yeah I'm having a hard time.
My epiphany was that so what if I pace the floor at 2:00am and have 1,000 steps before anyone I know even wakes up? So what if I have to nurse Griffy 15 times a day because he is sick and will not sleep more than 15 minutes at a time. So what if in the 30 seconds it took me to pee the middle little decided to pour out the milk he HAD to have before I could use the facilities onto his plate to make a pancake island? So what if after being told 5 times a day since he was 5 months old my 5 year old still plays with my hair and ends up pulling it?
I have been blessed with three miracles.
I see people in life who waited till they were older and may only have one kid, I see people with fertility issues, I see people who had a baby with the wrong person or at the wrong time or with the right person and then lose that person, or people who have miscarriage after miscarriage or lose their babies late in the pregnancy.
I have three miracles. I lost one baby but I've got three to hold. I am so lucky. I've heard the phrase you never regret the children you had only the one's you didn't have.
My life is hard work. Round the clock work. It brings me to emotions I can't handle some times. It makes me scream and cry and sometimes say things I regret. But all I can do is start over each moment and be grateful and do my best.
GPS coordinates set to grateful.
Oh well. It's all you have at any given moment so instead of the ultimate answer in parenting I might call it the GPS coordinates to your next stop.
I have been having a really low time lately. I blame it mostly on sleep deprivation. My kiddos have gone through two colds and a stomach bug in the last month and it means someone almost always needs me at least a couple of times in the middle of the night. I've been averaging 3-5 hours of non-consecutive hours of sleep for months, at least since I got my Fitbit for Christmas. And anyone with children knows when they get sick they cough into your mouth or puke on your shirt or use your clothes as their kleenex. Try staying well with that. And then once sick, try getting better on 3-5 hours of non-consecutive sleep.
So yeah I'm having a hard time.
My epiphany was that so what if I pace the floor at 2:00am and have 1,000 steps before anyone I know even wakes up? So what if I have to nurse Griffy 15 times a day because he is sick and will not sleep more than 15 minutes at a time. So what if in the 30 seconds it took me to pee the middle little decided to pour out the milk he HAD to have before I could use the facilities onto his plate to make a pancake island? So what if after being told 5 times a day since he was 5 months old my 5 year old still plays with my hair and ends up pulling it?
I have been blessed with three miracles.
I see people in life who waited till they were older and may only have one kid, I see people with fertility issues, I see people who had a baby with the wrong person or at the wrong time or with the right person and then lose that person, or people who have miscarriage after miscarriage or lose their babies late in the pregnancy.
I have three miracles. I lost one baby but I've got three to hold. I am so lucky. I've heard the phrase you never regret the children you had only the one's you didn't have.
My life is hard work. Round the clock work. It brings me to emotions I can't handle some times. It makes me scream and cry and sometimes say things I regret. But all I can do is start over each moment and be grateful and do my best.
GPS coordinates set to grateful.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Finding your happy in being a Mommy
Good day friends!
More months pass as I learn more about being a Mama. I have a LeapFrog counting video on right now trying to distract my big boys. Griffy is playing with my toes and losing patience, Ozzy is insisting on being in my lap so I have to keep switching my head from side to side around his curly locked head, and Eli is totally immersed and telling me all about the characters. I am finding happiness in this moment instead of being totally stressed out and yell-y. I'm not saying it's like this all the time but right now it is.
I read an article someone posted on facebook recently called How I Rediscovered Happiness in Motherhood . I went in thinking I need this but am I really going to read anything I've never read before? Is there anything new they can tell me about being happy that I don't already know? Sometimes it takes reading things in a different way for them to sink in and this was the article for me.
I liked how she referred to the different stages as seasons. It's so true that certain 'seasons' bring goods and bads. My eldest is always sad to see a season go but perpetually excited for the next big thing. He's sad to see Christmas go but loving sledding and excited for his birthday.
So here is the summary of the seasons my boys are in:
Eli is in the season of figuring out his independence. He is struggling with doing things on his own time and when he wants which means he has accidents because he is stubborn. He's loving being a big brother but it also makes him feel isolated and in need of acting like he can't do things himself like getting dressed so he can get attention. He is, however, finding himself. He's making friends, he's an awesome helper when you ask, we've been doing dishes every night together and talking. He tells stories and is compassionate and he made sure that I invited his preschool teachers to his birthday party. I'm really starting to enjoy just hanging out with him. I'm learning about who he is and what he needs. When he's grumpy he needs quality time or a directed hands-on activity like crafts, play dough or drawing. He prefers activities he can do solo like hip hop or gymnastics where he can be around others but doesn't have to work as a team. This is making it hard for me to decide where to put him for kindergarten next year. I want to put him in public school but I think he's not quite ready for full days and getting lost in a group setting. He has been at his preschool two years now and his reading is progressing so well that I would love to see how a third year would go.
Ozzy is in the season of trouble. He's into everything and if it's quiet and you can't see him you know you're in for a mess to clean up. He's very defiant and want's to do everything himself. But he is also my big cuddle bug. He always wants in my lap and he loves to cuddle with his little brother too. I'm loving the extra love he's always supplying to me. Love is my oxygen lately, or at least my sleep ;) Potty training is also not going well but I'm trying to relax and breathe through the process, it'll happen, and as much as I hate buying pull ups for a boy who won't tell me when he has to go to the bathroom EVER, they help him feel like a big boy so I should stick with it.
Griffin is in the season of happy baby. He is just an amazing baby. He naps, he plays independently. He is trying to crawl and can sit and sit up from his tummy. He falls asleep on his own sometimes which baffles me after my first two. He is teething though which means grumpy days and nights which are hard on me. So I'm not sleeping a lot. But the precious cuddles as they fall asleep on you, the nursing, the wonderful nursing, even when it interrupts my meals, is amazing. I love sustaining my children with my own body, it's so empowering. 6 Months is around the corner and part of me always feels sad to introduce real food. I'm a little worried about his eyesight, he has a lazy eye and doesn't seem to see very far so he is visiting a ophthamologist soon which has me nervous but excited to get some answers.
All the seasons have good and bad like the fun snow to play and the gross slush to walk in outside our door.
Another one that I have heard before is 'be kind and forgiving to yourself'.
This one line struck a nerve with me:
'Our kids will forgive our impatience, so we must learn to forgive ourselves.'
And they do, those beautiful souls always forgive when Mama yells and loses patience.
Forgiving myself also means me asking for help. I'm asking for help lots and trying not to feel guilty about napping during the day while my mom can watch them. I'm planning lots but trying not to overplan a day. Keep them busy enough to get tired and keep out of trouble but not so much that they have no downtime.
The last thing I took from that article was focus on what you do good not what you don't do well.
What a simple concept and a wonderful way to love yourself and display your best self to your kids.
It had me taking a deep look at what I really enjoy doing with my children and trying to do more of it. So a look at my favorite moments of the day.
Holding Griffin when he first wakes up and is so smiley.
Baking (with one not two) yummy food for our family to enjoy.
Doing dishes with Eli where we get to be close, be busy and helpful and have quiet time to talk about his day.
Laughing with my children whether it's brushing out sugar bugs from their teeth or making a silly puppet show or dancing in the living room to Bruno Mars and LMFAO.
Reading to my children before bed when they snuggle in close and choose their favorite books.
Snuggling. I really love snuggling in bed, and comforting my kids when they have nightmares. Being that reassuring, security blanket is the most powerful thing I can do in life.
I cleaned up a lot of toys recently too so we spend less time cleaning up and more time playing because one thing I am not good at is cleaning the house, enjoying dishes time with Eli is helping with this struggle for clean is good too.
Routine is another struggle for me so I have a basic routine and then I'm flexible with it. I have a morning routine but it's not timed, it unfolds depending on time of wake up and mood of the boys. The boys also have 2 get out of bath free cards a week. And if I have a little extra time and Ozzy says "Mommy please make pancakes?" you bet your fanny I'm making pancakes.
Routine is another struggle for me so I have a basic routine and then I'm flexible with it. I have a morning routine but it's not timed, it unfolds depending on time of wake up and mood of the boys. The boys also have 2 get out of bath free cards a week. And if I have a little extra time and Ozzy says "Mommy please make pancakes?" you bet your fanny I'm making pancakes.
I genuinely love spending time with my kids. It's finding the patience to enjoy the moments of the present that is another struggle. So I have found a few other articles that I have found really useful lately.
I read an article recently that I just can't find to reference about a woman who started saying "take your time" to her kids but Hands Free Mama has a similar article about eliminating "Hurry Up" from her vocabulary:
I've really tried my best to start saying "take your time" to my kids when others time is respected in the process as well. If we are on a walk then I need to slow down and let the the littles explore. If it's going to take them 3 extra minutes to do it themselves sometimes I have to let them. I need to learn to give extra time when we need to be somewhere like preschool on time.
Another article that has been helping me with patience lately is this Hands Free Mama gem The 3 second pause (that can save a morning, spare some pain. Take 3 seconds, breathe and figure out what the real issue is.
This saved us the other night when hubby was tired of being accommodating at bedtime and our oldest came out upset. He said he was cold and needed another blanket and that the clock was wrong. I calmly said I would come with him and give him another blanket despite my husband's protests that he already had 3 blankets. By the time I got into his bedroom he told me he was looking for a special blanket (one my aunt made him) and that his clock was behind in time from the clock in our bedroom. By adding one minute to his clock and giving him that blanket bedtime finished in 2 minutes rather than if we had ignored his simple requests for security and therefore love which would have resulted in a half hour (at least) battle to stay in bed.
So I am finding my happy as a mother and also trying to find time to discover some happy as a woman again, if my body cooperates that will mean exercise and also activities like a bath, good book, and cooking. I have been enjoying cooking so much now that I'm not pregnant and enjoy food again.
So maybe someone reading this will discover a new way of reading this old information and have an "ah-hah" moment like I had.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Life
Well the post-pregnancy decay of my body has set in. I'm in physio at the arthritis clinic again with a very lovely woman. For those of you that don't know I have a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I believe I have written about it before, but just in case you haven't read every post it's a form of arthritis that is an auto-immune, inflammatory disease.
Physio has been hard, especially fitting in time to do the exercises. Plus the exercises while good for me and ridiculously easy, make me sore. Come on! Lying on the floor with your palms up shouldn't be an exercise. It's so frustrating!
There is just so much I need to work on and it's just as my physiotherapist said "to maintain what you have now". I won't even be getting better, that will come later if at all. When we get talking about how I have bone edema and how that doesn't show up on xrays until it's too late and the damage is done and how the next step, once I'm done having babies and nursing them is biologics. I remember leaving the rheumatologist office and on the way out is the room where the patients sit in their oversized chairs attached to IV's looking solemn and overweight from the lack of ability to move their bodies. Is this my future? That thought scares me more than anything. I am so scared.
I've found a few strategies that help me lately like hot baths and massaging my leg when it's weightless so I can actually relax enough for it to be effective and going for walks as long as they aren't too far or too stressful. Leaving the house today was just insane and it made me want to tear out my hair. I asked them about 10 times whether they actually even wanted to go outside.
As scared as I am about what my future means for me, the hardest part is how it might affect my kids. When I have flares I already have to have Eli help more than he should and I can't bend down to tie my kids shoes, I can't carry my baby sometimes in fear that my leg is going to give out and I could fall. Eli is finally at the age where he is starting to understand that my body doesn't always work the same as others and it's really hard to be so vulnerable and ask so much of my little man. Sometimes I'm so angry at my body. I'll be 31 next week and this should not be how I feel. I want to run, I want to play football, I want to play in general, no restrictions and enjoy my time with my kids. I get angry and stressed and sad and then I end up sitting on the couch most of the time, with thoughts of I'll get healthy later when I'm feeling well. It's such a double edged sword that I can't stay active but must stay active to keep my body moving.
Feeling down but trying to keep hopeful.
Physio has been hard, especially fitting in time to do the exercises. Plus the exercises while good for me and ridiculously easy, make me sore. Come on! Lying on the floor with your palms up shouldn't be an exercise. It's so frustrating!
There is just so much I need to work on and it's just as my physiotherapist said "to maintain what you have now". I won't even be getting better, that will come later if at all. When we get talking about how I have bone edema and how that doesn't show up on xrays until it's too late and the damage is done and how the next step, once I'm done having babies and nursing them is biologics. I remember leaving the rheumatologist office and on the way out is the room where the patients sit in their oversized chairs attached to IV's looking solemn and overweight from the lack of ability to move their bodies. Is this my future? That thought scares me more than anything. I am so scared.
I've found a few strategies that help me lately like hot baths and massaging my leg when it's weightless so I can actually relax enough for it to be effective and going for walks as long as they aren't too far or too stressful. Leaving the house today was just insane and it made me want to tear out my hair. I asked them about 10 times whether they actually even wanted to go outside.
As scared as I am about what my future means for me, the hardest part is how it might affect my kids. When I have flares I already have to have Eli help more than he should and I can't bend down to tie my kids shoes, I can't carry my baby sometimes in fear that my leg is going to give out and I could fall. Eli is finally at the age where he is starting to understand that my body doesn't always work the same as others and it's really hard to be so vulnerable and ask so much of my little man. Sometimes I'm so angry at my body. I'll be 31 next week and this should not be how I feel. I want to run, I want to play football, I want to play in general, no restrictions and enjoy my time with my kids. I get angry and stressed and sad and then I end up sitting on the couch most of the time, with thoughts of I'll get healthy later when I'm feeling well. It's such a double edged sword that I can't stay active but must stay active to keep my body moving.
Feeling down but trying to keep hopeful.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
More time flies by
My little Griffy is 3 months old.
I'm not sure what it is this time, if it's just being a third time mother and more at ease, or that I've learned some things from the first two babies, or if Griffy is just an amazing baby, but he is pretty easy.
Sometimes I try to imagine if he was my first baby. Boy would I have been in for a lot heart ache and stress if I had him first and Eli second, yeesh.
Eli is an amazing boy now but as wee babe, I had a lot of trouble enjoying myself as a mother until he could walk around 9 months. Maybe he just needed to move and run to be happy, seems to still be the case, haha.
Ozzy is a huge cuddle bug and I think that's why he was a bit easier and would sleep but usually only near me. Still true to this day, loves his cuddles.
Griffy will sleep on his own for long stretches during the day but sleeps with me at night. He is by far the smiliest, happiest baby I've had. He wakes up after a 3 hour nap cranky until you pick him up and look at him then he smiles and coos and is the happiest thing you ever saw. He doesn't even think about eating for a good 15-30 minutes. He also loves his mat, his mobile, his exersaucer, pretty much everything... and everyone.
I'm happy I'm able to enjoy my last baby so much. What a blessing. I'm telling myself its because I'm better able to read him. He tells me what he wants. Maybe that's practice from the others or maybe we just have a stronger connection, or again maybe he's just easy. At any rate I'm counting my blessings. He is waking twice a night now rather than just once but oh well, I can live with that....except on mornings the big boys wake me at 4:45am, ick. Griffy's stats are rough because I'm just adding a little from his 2.5 month check up but at 3 months I'm guessing he is 16 lbs and 26.5 inches.
BIG! Ozzy was that long at 5-6 months.
Griffy needs to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!
I'm not sure what it is this time, if it's just being a third time mother and more at ease, or that I've learned some things from the first two babies, or if Griffy is just an amazing baby, but he is pretty easy.
Sometimes I try to imagine if he was my first baby. Boy would I have been in for a lot heart ache and stress if I had him first and Eli second, yeesh.
Eli is an amazing boy now but as wee babe, I had a lot of trouble enjoying myself as a mother until he could walk around 9 months. Maybe he just needed to move and run to be happy, seems to still be the case, haha.
Ozzy is a huge cuddle bug and I think that's why he was a bit easier and would sleep but usually only near me. Still true to this day, loves his cuddles.
Griffy will sleep on his own for long stretches during the day but sleeps with me at night. He is by far the smiliest, happiest baby I've had. He wakes up after a 3 hour nap cranky until you pick him up and look at him then he smiles and coos and is the happiest thing you ever saw. He doesn't even think about eating for a good 15-30 minutes. He also loves his mat, his mobile, his exersaucer, pretty much everything... and everyone.
I'm happy I'm able to enjoy my last baby so much. What a blessing. I'm telling myself its because I'm better able to read him. He tells me what he wants. Maybe that's practice from the others or maybe we just have a stronger connection, or again maybe he's just easy. At any rate I'm counting my blessings. He is waking twice a night now rather than just once but oh well, I can live with that....except on mornings the big boys wake me at 4:45am, ick. Griffy's stats are rough because I'm just adding a little from his 2.5 month check up but at 3 months I'm guessing he is 16 lbs and 26.5 inches.
BIG! Ozzy was that long at 5-6 months.
Griffy needs to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!
Friday, August 1, 2014
Griffin's birth
A week ago I was getting pretty frustrated that I kept putting things on hold for baby, and even more importantly everyone else did too. My friend couldn't go to a new store that opened an hour away, my parents couldn't go an hour away to do a big shop at a large store. So on Saturday I gave everyone permission to just do what they need to do, we ended up doing a road trip too. We tried out our new DVD player and Ozzy got carsick outside of Tim Horton's :P We also got some bulk groceries and of course kitty litter. I did not go into labour, everyone got to do what they wanted, it was a great day and felt kind of freeing.
July 28th, 2014:
I didn't really sleep well Sunday night so I made sure I had a nap Monday morning.
Then I went to the chiropractor, met with another "are you still pregnant?" haha :P I had a really strong contraction on the way there and even a bigger one on the way home. I decided I may not be safe to drive any more if those contractions were going to be a regular happening.
I got home and had some lunch and hung out with my mom and the boys. Then about 2:40pm I had another strong, painful contraction. I had some more and my mom kept telling me this is it, but I was too afraid to get behind it because they were still about 25 mins apart. I was convinced when they got to 10 minutes apart and it was 4:30pm because usually by the 2 hour point they peter out for me if it's not the real deal. So I called my midwives and she and I talked and because of my history of quick labours she said she would come check if I wanted. She checked me at about 5:15pm and my water broke. So we mobilized Team Birth!
The contractions got a lot stronger pretty soon after and I was doing the standing/leaning thing for awhile and then decided lying down would be better and more restful.
My mom and Justin's mom had taken the boys outside to play after I was trying to make the birth bed and Eli was so excited he bounced on the bed and off into the wall head first.
Contractions were very intense and I had to fight the urge to push A LOT. I'll never forget that feeling of no control, your body just trying to take over and your mind trying to keep up. I don't think I pushed more than 5 or 6 times before my baby's head was out and my midwives guided me through a fist by his head and a slow delivery. I'm so thankful for them and my pretty standard, easy to sew up tear this time. And then he was born at 7:34pm!
Having my sweet baby on my chest and not having to let him go for anything which was a total first for me was just amazing. My mother in law and Eli came in less than a minute after he was born which was really neat. Eli asked a lot of questions and seemed concerned but pretty all right with everything overall.
I got to hold him for a good hour while I was stitched up. Justin said, you know you're going to have to give him up some time! I replied, are you getting sewed up right now? I'll give him up when that's done.
When I finally gave him up my Mother In Law brought me a beautiful piece of toast, very much enjoyed as I missed dinner which I shared with my little toast machine Ozzy and had a cuddle.
I felt really great afterwards, I could walk around by myself and get myself things which was much different from feeling so awful, shaky, and dependent on others after Ozzy's birth. All in all if he hadn't had his fist up by his head I may not have torn and then it probably would have been the perfect birth. I got to hold my hubby and my best friend's hands the whole time, I got to be in my house, in my bed, I got a quick labour, a minor tear, and a beautiful healthy baby boy.
He was 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. He was also nameless for a bit.
I got to looking at names the next morning and narrowed it down to 5 that resonated with this little man. One that was jumping out at me the most was Griffin and after I showed Justin the 5 names he said Griffin as well, so it was a pretty easy decision. His middle name is Theodore after my mom and my mom in law's family. Theodore is my mother in law's brother's name and my mom's father's middle name.
He may get some Harry Potter nicknames though we realized later as the hybrid of the two names is Griffin-dore, haha.
I am adjusting pretty well. Breastfeeding is agony as I remembered it to be the first week. The boys are super emotional and not listening well but I'm trying to give them lots of love. My hormones are all over the place, as is my sleep. But I am so happy that my family is now complete and I have my three wonderful boys and the support and love of my wonderful husband (and extended family and friends of course). I am so blessed!
But I think I have used all the time I have right now, Grif is a pretty good sleeper so far but he's due for some milk any minute.
July 28th, 2014:
I didn't really sleep well Sunday night so I made sure I had a nap Monday morning.
Then I went to the chiropractor, met with another "are you still pregnant?" haha :P I had a really strong contraction on the way there and even a bigger one on the way home. I decided I may not be safe to drive any more if those contractions were going to be a regular happening.
I got home and had some lunch and hung out with my mom and the boys. Then about 2:40pm I had another strong, painful contraction. I had some more and my mom kept telling me this is it, but I was too afraid to get behind it because they were still about 25 mins apart. I was convinced when they got to 10 minutes apart and it was 4:30pm because usually by the 2 hour point they peter out for me if it's not the real deal. So I called my midwives and she and I talked and because of my history of quick labours she said she would come check if I wanted. She checked me at about 5:15pm and my water broke. So we mobilized Team Birth!
The contractions got a lot stronger pretty soon after and I was doing the standing/leaning thing for awhile and then decided lying down would be better and more restful.
My mom and Justin's mom had taken the boys outside to play after I was trying to make the birth bed and Eli was so excited he bounced on the bed and off into the wall head first.
Contractions were very intense and I had to fight the urge to push A LOT. I'll never forget that feeling of no control, your body just trying to take over and your mind trying to keep up. I don't think I pushed more than 5 or 6 times before my baby's head was out and my midwives guided me through a fist by his head and a slow delivery. I'm so thankful for them and my pretty standard, easy to sew up tear this time. And then he was born at 7:34pm!
Having my sweet baby on my chest and not having to let him go for anything which was a total first for me was just amazing. My mother in law and Eli came in less than a minute after he was born which was really neat. Eli asked a lot of questions and seemed concerned but pretty all right with everything overall.
I got to hold him for a good hour while I was stitched up. Justin said, you know you're going to have to give him up some time! I replied, are you getting sewed up right now? I'll give him up when that's done.
When I finally gave him up my Mother In Law brought me a beautiful piece of toast, very much enjoyed as I missed dinner which I shared with my little toast machine Ozzy and had a cuddle.
I felt really great afterwards, I could walk around by myself and get myself things which was much different from feeling so awful, shaky, and dependent on others after Ozzy's birth. All in all if he hadn't had his fist up by his head I may not have torn and then it probably would have been the perfect birth. I got to hold my hubby and my best friend's hands the whole time, I got to be in my house, in my bed, I got a quick labour, a minor tear, and a beautiful healthy baby boy.
He was 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. He was also nameless for a bit.
I got to looking at names the next morning and narrowed it down to 5 that resonated with this little man. One that was jumping out at me the most was Griffin and after I showed Justin the 5 names he said Griffin as well, so it was a pretty easy decision. His middle name is Theodore after my mom and my mom in law's family. Theodore is my mother in law's brother's name and my mom's father's middle name.
He may get some Harry Potter nicknames though we realized later as the hybrid of the two names is Griffin-dore, haha.
I am adjusting pretty well. Breastfeeding is agony as I remembered it to be the first week. The boys are super emotional and not listening well but I'm trying to give them lots of love. My hormones are all over the place, as is my sleep. But I am so happy that my family is now complete and I have my three wonderful boys and the support and love of my wonderful husband (and extended family and friends of course). I am so blessed!
But I think I have used all the time I have right now, Grif is a pretty good sleeper so far but he's due for some milk any minute.
Monday, June 23, 2014
(Getting) Ready?
First of all, this is my 100th post on this blog! Thanks for all who dare to read it, even if occasionally! It is a pleasure to write, and I have really enjoyed these nearly 5 years of learning how to Mommy.
I'm 34 weeks and I'm feeling pretty done. As much as I'm sad this is the last time I'll be pregnant I'm ready to wrap up the finale of "Shelly: The Pregnant Years" and start the series premiere of "My Three Sons".
One thing I'm struggling to get over is the fact that being pregnant makes me feel "special". People want to do things for you, you get special treatment, more massages, more leeway in general to be sore, tired, and/or moody. From here on after this pregnancy I'm no longer a mom-to-be I'm just a plain old mom. And we all know mom's are just supposed to put others needs ahead of their own. A nap? Psssh. A super-mom doesn't need a nap!
After birth, my body tends to go a little crazy with hormones and my inflammation issues get much worse so not only will I be sleep deprived I will be in a lot of pain. So I'll have to go on a pretty strict wheat-free diet to help with that and I'm also looking into some physiotherapy this time around. So that will be easy with all my free time looking after 3 boys. Also my eating and weight have not been on my mind as something I can control in the past 5 years because I figure what's the point if I'm just going to get pregnant again? This means my wardrobe is stuffed to the brim with every size imaginable because who knows what size I will be at any given moment.
So despite having to work out all that plus in a year deciding how much I want to be working, I'm pretty ready to have this baby on the outside of my tummy.
Here are my reasons why:
So crib is set up, baby stuff is washed. We have a car seat. I'm ready to enjoy this baby from the outside now. I know that baby benefits from every day he stays in there but it can't hurt my chances of not going to 40 weeks if I let this little guy know I'm ready and waiting. See ya when you're ready little guy!
I'm 34 weeks and I'm feeling pretty done. As much as I'm sad this is the last time I'll be pregnant I'm ready to wrap up the finale of "Shelly: The Pregnant Years" and start the series premiere of "My Three Sons".
One thing I'm struggling to get over is the fact that being pregnant makes me feel "special". People want to do things for you, you get special treatment, more massages, more leeway in general to be sore, tired, and/or moody. From here on after this pregnancy I'm no longer a mom-to-be I'm just a plain old mom. And we all know mom's are just supposed to put others needs ahead of their own. A nap? Psssh. A super-mom doesn't need a nap!
After birth, my body tends to go a little crazy with hormones and my inflammation issues get much worse so not only will I be sleep deprived I will be in a lot of pain. So I'll have to go on a pretty strict wheat-free diet to help with that and I'm also looking into some physiotherapy this time around. So that will be easy with all my free time looking after 3 boys. Also my eating and weight have not been on my mind as something I can control in the past 5 years because I figure what's the point if I'm just going to get pregnant again? This means my wardrobe is stuffed to the brim with every size imaginable because who knows what size I will be at any given moment.
So despite having to work out all that plus in a year deciding how much I want to be working, I'm pretty ready to have this baby on the outside of my tummy.
Here are my reasons why:
- 1. Everything gives me heartburn, I feel like a fire breathing dragon 90% of the day. All the papaya extract and tums in the world can't cure this crap.2. My entire body aches. Shins? You bet! Ears? Sure. Every day feels like 'the day after I was thrown from a moving bus' day.3. I'm still kind of nauseous. Ridiculous, I know! Though it's partially from the fact that I don't want to eat in risk of heartburn that I feel so ill.4. I'm getting dangerously close to punching a stranger for the "you look ready to pop" comments and the "I guess you'll try again for a girl" asides. I hate feeling like I'm letting down a complete stranger by saying actually it's another boy.5. I'm boiling, especially my feet. They feel similar to what I could imagine mini volcanoes feel like. I can be sitting with my feet in ice cold water with a fan blowing on me and I'm still sweating like I'm in the Sahara Desert.6. I'm waiting on confirmation from the midwife but I believe I have a condition called irritable uterus. Laugh if you want and then you can google it and stop. It basically means I have Braxton-Hicks contractions that are more than just tightenings, they feel like full on labor contractions. I had something similar with Oz, it was weeks of, "am I in labour, or am I not?" I was really hoping to skip that this time, but at least I'm much less scared of pre-term labor knowing this joy can go on for weeks and weeks. The only thing that makes it better is lying down on my side for a couple hours until it goes away. I hear there's a cure but it involves having your baby so I'll wait a bit for that.7. I'm exhausted. I could have a 2 hour nap an hour after I wake up in the morning. Then if I do anything outside or stand or walk for about 5 minutes, then I need another nap. But it has to be a nap because sleeping the whole night through is just a thing of the past. Every 30 minutes I need to wake up to flip my body in the style of an awkward shaped pancake. The there is the million bathroom breaks a night and I'm getting over some sort of tonsil issue which means a very sore throat and about 3-4 times a night I wake up gasping for breath like some sort of sleep apnea. I'm looking forward to switching from desperately trying to sleep but cannot to would desperately love to sleep but cannot. There's a difference. Believe me. Either that or I'm too sleep-deprived to realize there's not.
So crib is set up, baby stuff is washed. We have a car seat. I'm ready to enjoy this baby from the outside now. I know that baby benefits from every day he stays in there but it can't hurt my chances of not going to 40 weeks if I let this little guy know I'm ready and waiting. See ya when you're ready little guy!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
32 Weeks
Well I'm approaching the end of my final pregnancy journey. It's been a doozy but I am thankful it has gotten a bit better in this last trimester. My entire body is achy and sore, my ribs are out, my neck is out, I have heartburn, I'm waddling.. and yet this is still an improvement over what the first two trimesters were.
I'm slowly getting ready, not wanting to do it too early and risk disappointment, but also not wanting to take chances and wait until too late. Pregnancy is so weird. Plus we are discovering that we just don't have enough room in our house for all the stuff of five people. So we are getting a bit creative and obviously using the generously given storage room at my parents-in-laws place.
I have learned a ton about my parenting since being off work which has been about 3 weeks now. I thought it would be stressful, and at times it has been, but it has also been very enjoyable. I have learned how good of a mother I am and also what I really need to work on. But most importantly I'm savoring the last months, weeks, with my two boys before everything gets turned on its head again and we start figuring it all out again.
I have been enjoying preschool and routine a little too much. Since Eli has started four days a week preschool, Ozzy has been falling asleep on drop off and giving me an hour and a half to myself every afternoon. But in a week and a half we've got summer vacation starting and again I gotta learn it all from scratch again.
Parenting is such a flux, you ride the waves and sometimes get sucked under by one, thrashing around at the bottom trying to get some air. Somehow you get back on your board and live to surf another day. I have been feeling very guilty that my yoga mat has not seen light of day in about 18 weeks or so, but I keep reminding myself that not all yoga is on the mat. Though I'm sure my body would appreciate the mat time, my mind has been having lots of time to practice being present and practicing acceptance.
Hopefully the weather stays cool and I do too! It should be an interesting summer either way! I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
3 Boys!
About two weeks ago we found out the news: We are having another boy!
I'll admit I had mixed feelings about the news. I thought for sure this was going to be our girl. It was interesting how everyone I told asked how I was feeling about that. There's a certain level of disappointment expected when you don't get the ideal one boy and one girl. I was not immune to this. I always really wanted one of each and then one more of whatever gender, grab bag!
I immediately pushed through my feelings and put out the statement "of course I'm happy, three boys will be great!" That was not entirely true and I've spent the last two weeks working through that disappointment privately.
I know there's a bright side to everything. I'm definitely used to raising boys and I have all the clothes for it. I was really looking forward to buying some new clothes though since these ones are actually starting to wear a bit after going through two active boys. I also was looking forward to the flowered headband pictures and buying leggings and tunics.
I'm really excited at the prospect of getting to raise three open-hearted, compassionate men. I know we are starting on the new generation of aquarian men now and I'm very excited to be a part of that.
BUT... it also makes me think, was there something missing from me that meant I couldn't raise a strong, confident woman? Do I still have a lot to learn before I'd be ready to raise a girl?
I'm hoping that by raising this new generation of men they might be more inclined to stay in touch and communication with their parents. It may be a cliche but girls seem to stay closer to their parents than boys later in life. It also means I may not to ever be part of planning a wedding. And depending on how my future daughter in laws feel about me, I may never be present at a birth of one of my grandchildren. I will never have a best girlfriend in my daughter like I have with my mom and like she had with her mom.
This all leaves me feeling a little bit lonely.
I've read a ton of blogs and articles about mothers of three boys (never about three girls) and how people tell them all the time how it's too bad they never got a girl. These woman are livid. I'm sure all of my statements why I'm disappointed would make them even madder. But I can't help how I feel and nor will I deny how I feel. I will still be an amazing Mom to all three of my boys. We raise humans not specifically boys or girls so I'm still going to get to experience three wonderfully different personalities, likes, dislikes etc. That's always what I really wanted.
Also on the bright side, I will stay queen of this house. I will have the loving devotion and protection of 4 boys if you include my husband. I will always be the odd one out but it just means my relationships with my girlfriends might need more attention.
Also another thing I'm REALLY looking forward to not dealing with is adolescent girls and PMS! I always said I would much rather have three boys than three girls any day.
Also FOOTBALL! I love playing football. I've always been at least as much tom boy as girly girl, if not more!
I just hope my boys never get too old to cuddle, even if it's when no one else is looking. I'd take that.
I'm still having bad all day sickness days, though they are fewer and further between. I have really bad heartburn. Since Christmas when I had my three week virus, I've had 3 colds, tonsillitis where I couldn't even talk or swallow without crying, and then a huge rash from the antibiotics from the tonsillitis that made my feet hurt so bad I couldn't walk on them. This pregnancy is a struggle, every day. I am exhausted by it honestly. I am nearly 22 weeks now and I can't believe in 5 weeks I'll be in the most tiring trimester. I don't know if I will leave my couch at all anymore. I'm glued there a lot now as it is.
Wish me luck!
I'll admit I had mixed feelings about the news. I thought for sure this was going to be our girl. It was interesting how everyone I told asked how I was feeling about that. There's a certain level of disappointment expected when you don't get the ideal one boy and one girl. I was not immune to this. I always really wanted one of each and then one more of whatever gender, grab bag!
I immediately pushed through my feelings and put out the statement "of course I'm happy, three boys will be great!" That was not entirely true and I've spent the last two weeks working through that disappointment privately.
I know there's a bright side to everything. I'm definitely used to raising boys and I have all the clothes for it. I was really looking forward to buying some new clothes though since these ones are actually starting to wear a bit after going through two active boys. I also was looking forward to the flowered headband pictures and buying leggings and tunics.
I'm really excited at the prospect of getting to raise three open-hearted, compassionate men. I know we are starting on the new generation of aquarian men now and I'm very excited to be a part of that.
BUT... it also makes me think, was there something missing from me that meant I couldn't raise a strong, confident woman? Do I still have a lot to learn before I'd be ready to raise a girl?
I'm hoping that by raising this new generation of men they might be more inclined to stay in touch and communication with their parents. It may be a cliche but girls seem to stay closer to their parents than boys later in life. It also means I may not to ever be part of planning a wedding. And depending on how my future daughter in laws feel about me, I may never be present at a birth of one of my grandchildren. I will never have a best girlfriend in my daughter like I have with my mom and like she had with her mom.
This all leaves me feeling a little bit lonely.
I've read a ton of blogs and articles about mothers of three boys (never about three girls) and how people tell them all the time how it's too bad they never got a girl. These woman are livid. I'm sure all of my statements why I'm disappointed would make them even madder. But I can't help how I feel and nor will I deny how I feel. I will still be an amazing Mom to all three of my boys. We raise humans not specifically boys or girls so I'm still going to get to experience three wonderfully different personalities, likes, dislikes etc. That's always what I really wanted.
Also on the bright side, I will stay queen of this house. I will have the loving devotion and protection of 4 boys if you include my husband. I will always be the odd one out but it just means my relationships with my girlfriends might need more attention.
Also another thing I'm REALLY looking forward to not dealing with is adolescent girls and PMS! I always said I would much rather have three boys than three girls any day.
Also FOOTBALL! I love playing football. I've always been at least as much tom boy as girly girl, if not more!
I just hope my boys never get too old to cuddle, even if it's when no one else is looking. I'd take that.
I'm still having bad all day sickness days, though they are fewer and further between. I have really bad heartburn. Since Christmas when I had my three week virus, I've had 3 colds, tonsillitis where I couldn't even talk or swallow without crying, and then a huge rash from the antibiotics from the tonsillitis that made my feet hurt so bad I couldn't walk on them. This pregnancy is a struggle, every day. I am exhausted by it honestly. I am nearly 22 weeks now and I can't believe in 5 weeks I'll be in the most tiring trimester. I don't know if I will leave my couch at all anymore. I'm glued there a lot now as it is.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas :)
This Christmas has been a huge challenge for me. First was the ridiculous, all-consuming Morning (hah! morning?) Sickness that comes with Baby #3 on it's way which began December 8th, not to be exact or anything. That put me way behind on our yearly "spirit advent calendar". Then on the 20th, I get the horizontal inducing bronchial based virus that has attacked everyone except for Justin causing an ER visit for Ozzy, 8-1-1 call regarding Eli's near 103 degree temperature, and 4 days of not being able to stand for longer than 5 minutes for me. If I wasn't feverish, I was nauseous, if I wasn't barking away coughing, I was blowing my nose. I actually wrapped most of the Christmas presents crying I felt so sick.
But here we are at Christmas Eve, and I have some how found my Christmas spirit again. I'm on the upswing now, and the presents are wrapped, the stockings full (thanks Santa!) and I finally feel a little peace that I think comes from solidarity. By this I mean, knowing how many other people are out there doing the same thing as me, possibly even as sick (or worse!) We are keeping the magic alive. We are keeping the wonder in shiny little eyes. We are causing little mouths to make the sound "ooooo". We work hard, stay up late, and feel tired but satisfied when we see how happy it makes our little munchkins.
I was against the "Santa" thing originally, until I read a beautiful letter saying that Santa helps kids believe in something they can't see or touch, and it's often their first experience with that. I want my kids to believe in magic, in hope, and something bigger than what they can grasp in their hands. Believe me, that will come in handy MANY times later in life.
So here's to all the magic-makers out there, especially to my parents! Thank you for putting magic into my childhood and hope and trust into my life!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Ozzy is 2!
Well my little Oz-ster is 2! Another year has passed with my two awesome boys here.
Ozzy is just starting to talk a bit in the past month. He likes going pee on the potty though we haven't started potty training yet. He is funny and kind and shares well (most of the time). He has this hilarious duck bill face he puts on which makes sense because he sure seems to love ducks! (DUUUUUUCK!) He just started playing the Jeep game (pointing out jeeps while driving). He enjoys partial nudity around the house and can't seem to keep his shirt on, must be the bulging muscles. He loves coloring and seems to favor the color brown best. His favorite food is most definitely watermelon, followed by chocolate, with some berries and anything wheat which of course he can't have often being on a wheat free diet. He doesn't eat many veggies but he can sure shovel down the pancakes. His favorite songs are "If you're happy and you know it wag your tail" by Scout the Green dog and "You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones (he laughs every time you say the title). He loves reading books. He loves to play anything stacking and unstacking or taking things out and putting things back in. He also has the annoying habits of chucking things down the stairs and picking up the cat by her hair. He still can't sleep a night through without me being there so we share a bed. I must say waking up to his beautiful smile most mornings is a treasure despite his internal alarm clock of 5:00am. I couldn't feel more blessed to be his mother. He lights up my life in ways I couldn't imagine possible, completely living up to his spiritual name Jot Prakash Singh meaning Prince of the Radiant Light of the Breaking Dawn. I love you Ozzy! Happy Birthday! xo
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| Here he is at 12 months smashing a cake! |
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| Ozzy's 2nd Christmas - 13 months. |
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| Well hello there... 14 months |
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| Playing at the park when it's cold, no big thing. - 15 months |
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| Sleepy time in my chair. - 16 months |
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| April Showers - 17 months |
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| Building with my bro - 18 months |
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| Cool dude in the June sun - 19 months |
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| Raspberries so good. Must sit down in the middle of the Farmer's Market and eat them. - 20 months |
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| Hanging out with my pal Rocky. - 21 months |
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| Mmm milkshake. - 22 months |
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| LEAVES! - 23 Months |
Monday, November 11, 2013
Outdoor time in the Winter
I took a leave of absence for the last month. I don't feel totally healed from my miscarriage and I don't expect to ever be. I definitely took the time to feel it though. I accepted it nearly immediately. I try not to play into the "why me?!" frame of mind or playing the victim though this would have been a worthy time to feel like that. I wanted to feel what I needed to feel. I also tried to not poke around into understanding why I felt things. Two or three perfectly normal days would happen and then I would be sad again. Sometimes when I see the maternity clothes I bought the day before the bleeding started I cry. Other days I see them I just feel sad and move on.
I grow weary of trying to understand everything I feel. I used to look into it and think back on patterns or decide it was from this experience or that time did that other thing. It's exhausting! I end up looping and thinking of not only the experience that I'm dealing with, but digging up every past experience that I should have let go of by now. It's a dangerous cycle!
So I let myself feel sad. It took this long to go a week without crying. To be able to talk to people about it without crying and to feel mostly whole again.
I kept up blogging by reintroducing my food blog. It took a hiatus about when I got pregnant with Eli. So I've come across a lot of recipes since then so I had a bit of catching up to do.
The point of my post today was brainstorming ideas on how to keep my kids outside this winter. They seem so much happier and act up less when they've had outdoor time. Plus they sleep better at night. We have such a small house that indoor activities mean very little movement, other than an occasional dance party. Yoga works sometimes but it's hard to keep Ozzy busy when I'm doing yoga with Eli. Ozzy will just play around and then Eli will copy him and pretty soon yoga is just a doggy pile on Mom.
So other than walks, how do I keep my kids active when weather is colder and I don't want to spend a fortune on indoor activities. Everything I find is snow related and we don't get much snow.
I suppose I need to invest in some awesome gloves and some warm jackets. I get so cold if I'm just standing there so I need to keep moving too and it needs to be appropriate for a 3.5 year old a (nearly) 2 year old. So many components I know.
I've been thinking more about it and wondering what our ancestors used to do. They didn't have gyms, or go jogging, or do circuit training or crossfit, they just ate well and worked hard. As for the winter, I was thinking it was likely too cold to do anything outside but there was such little food that they didn't have to be active, they went into conserve mode. What a strange society we live in. Sit down jobs, little time to exercise and all the convenience food in the world. The recipe for obesity.
It's my birthday tomorrow and I've been eating a lot of foods I don't normally with my party yesterday and I'm just feeling so low energy. Need more fruits and veggies. I'm getting my second farm bag tomorrow so I'm excited to see what local fruits and veggies I'll be getting to cook with this week.
If you have any winter outdoor activities for me please post below!
I grow weary of trying to understand everything I feel. I used to look into it and think back on patterns or decide it was from this experience or that time did that other thing. It's exhausting! I end up looping and thinking of not only the experience that I'm dealing with, but digging up every past experience that I should have let go of by now. It's a dangerous cycle!
So I let myself feel sad. It took this long to go a week without crying. To be able to talk to people about it without crying and to feel mostly whole again.
I kept up blogging by reintroducing my food blog. It took a hiatus about when I got pregnant with Eli. So I've come across a lot of recipes since then so I had a bit of catching up to do.
The point of my post today was brainstorming ideas on how to keep my kids outside this winter. They seem so much happier and act up less when they've had outdoor time. Plus they sleep better at night. We have such a small house that indoor activities mean very little movement, other than an occasional dance party. Yoga works sometimes but it's hard to keep Ozzy busy when I'm doing yoga with Eli. Ozzy will just play around and then Eli will copy him and pretty soon yoga is just a doggy pile on Mom.
So other than walks, how do I keep my kids active when weather is colder and I don't want to spend a fortune on indoor activities. Everything I find is snow related and we don't get much snow.
I suppose I need to invest in some awesome gloves and some warm jackets. I get so cold if I'm just standing there so I need to keep moving too and it needs to be appropriate for a 3.5 year old a (nearly) 2 year old. So many components I know.
I've been thinking more about it and wondering what our ancestors used to do. They didn't have gyms, or go jogging, or do circuit training or crossfit, they just ate well and worked hard. As for the winter, I was thinking it was likely too cold to do anything outside but there was such little food that they didn't have to be active, they went into conserve mode. What a strange society we live in. Sit down jobs, little time to exercise and all the convenience food in the world. The recipe for obesity.
It's my birthday tomorrow and I've been eating a lot of foods I don't normally with my party yesterday and I'm just feeling so low energy. Need more fruits and veggies. I'm getting my second farm bag tomorrow so I'm excited to see what local fruits and veggies I'll be getting to cook with this week.
If you have any winter outdoor activities for me please post below!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Angel Baby
First I must write a disclaimer.
I had my ultrasound this morning. I woke up feeling my body aches and pains that had gone away with pregnancy. I haven't been getting sick when I don't eat often and I have not been eating often. I also fit into jeans that I hadn't worn in a couple weeks. All of this plus my inner knowing of what happened Tuesday morning had me well prepared for the news. But I was surprised how I still held onto a thread of hope when I asked the tech if I still had a baby. She said she can't say much about it. Then I knew it was over. The tech on Monday mentioned having to try a different way to see it better, she showed me the baby, and the heartbeat. Obviously if they cannot say anything there is nothing to see.
After she took all her pictures, she left the room and said she'd be right back. I shook on the ultrasound bed trying not to cry. She was nice enough to go see if the Radiologist would come talk to me, apparently most won't but this one did. He broke the news to me gently and talked far longer than I wanted him to. They kept telling me to take my time leaving but all I wanted to do was to get the hell out of that hospital and cry on the steering wheel of my car. Still, I am thankful they were so kind.
If you are uncomfortable with the idea of miscarriage or any process of a woman's body, or get sick at the thought of blood, read no further. If you have a weak stomach turn back. There are some cold, hard emotions coming up and some all too real experiences.
This is my story of miscarriage. I had never thought it could happen to me, especially after two normal, pretty regular pregnancies. You think, my body knows how to do this, no problem. But sadly I have had this experience now and I feel the need to share it because miscarriage is never talked about.
I had bleeding on Monday and was very worried due to the very red nature of it. Everything I had read was pink and brown is ok, red is a warning sign. Plus I had cramping the night before and just felt off in general.
I was very scared and called my midwife and I got in for an ultrasound Monday afternoon. I drank my litre of water and spent an hour in uterine agony like every other woman who ever had an ultrasound. So I waited nervously and danced around silently cursing every tech who was just talking or walking or doing work other than scanning my abdomen. I got in finally and my baby was very small so they had to do a trans-vaginal scan instead to measure. I saw my baby and its heartbeat. They said everything was fine, baby is small but fine. 6 weeks and 5 days old rather than nearly 10 weeks like they thought and the 8 weeks that I thought.
I went home and felt tired and relieved but still worried. I had a nap on the couch and went to bed early. I was supposed to announce to the world (aka Facebook) with a beautiful family picture that I was pregnant that night but decided it was not the right time.
Tuesday morning I woke up crampy and my bleeding got harder. It felt like labour contractions so I timed them, 1 every minute lasting about 20 seconds, then 40 seconds of relief then back at it. Finally, I rushed to the bathroom. I felt something pass, something large and the first thing I felt was relief, like when you actually birth a baby finally after labour. But that is usually followed by a baby placed in your arms. Instead I sunk to my knees digging in the toilet to see what had come out of me. It was probably the saddest moment of my life. Holding a lump of something in my hands, the blood pooling in the creases of my fingers, desperately searching for some evidence that this was my baby and that this was over. I just wanted it to be over. Another one comes out 15 minutes later. Two more over the morning. I spent the morning rushing to the bathroom, shaking, achy and feeling like I want to puke. My body ached like it gave birth and my heart ached like I didn't.
The cramps got better over the day, but the sadness set in. I called my midwife after the first two clots and she said it was leaning towards the sound of a miscarriage but the best thing to do would be to wait a couple days and it turns out that's how long it took to get me back in for an ultrasound anyway.
The hardest part of the whole day was when I was explaining I may have lost the baby to my husband. My three year old overheard me and said, "Mommy, why did you lose the baby?"
I lost the baby. Me. My fault.
I know this is not true, there was likely nothing specific I did to lose this baby. It's not like I ignored it, misplaced it, or left it at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and drove off. But still, something died inside of me. That is crushing. I was unable to sustain this life inside me.
I had my ultrasound this morning. I woke up feeling my body aches and pains that had gone away with pregnancy. I haven't been getting sick when I don't eat often and I have not been eating often. I also fit into jeans that I hadn't worn in a couple weeks. All of this plus my inner knowing of what happened Tuesday morning had me well prepared for the news. But I was surprised how I still held onto a thread of hope when I asked the tech if I still had a baby. She said she can't say much about it. Then I knew it was over. The tech on Monday mentioned having to try a different way to see it better, she showed me the baby, and the heartbeat. Obviously if they cannot say anything there is nothing to see.
After she took all her pictures, she left the room and said she'd be right back. I shook on the ultrasound bed trying not to cry. She was nice enough to go see if the Radiologist would come talk to me, apparently most won't but this one did. He broke the news to me gently and talked far longer than I wanted him to. They kept telling me to take my time leaving but all I wanted to do was to get the hell out of that hospital and cry on the steering wheel of my car. Still, I am thankful they were so kind.
The hardest part about it all is that I have nothing to hold, which sure would be hard in itself but it would also feel more real, not like this feels. It feels like it was never really there, this thing I loved never actually existed and was all in my head. There's nothing to bury, nothing to ceremoniously say goodbye to. My goodbye was at a toilet, by myself.
I honestly felt like I gave birth, but a birth with no support and obviously no baby.
I honestly felt like I gave birth, but a birth with no support and obviously no baby.
I've been working on deciding how to heal from this.
Everything I find about miscarriage support is for getting your body back to get pregnant again.
I'm not sure I want to ever risk feeling this again. That could just be my first stages of grief but I wish there was something that nourishes your grieving mind and body without the try, try again message.
I named the baby Parker due to its gender ambiguous nature. Some may think it's silly to name a baby that didn't make it past 8 or so weeks but if you do, keep it to yourself. Again, I need to feel like this experience is real, my pain, my loss, my grief is real.
I bought some material to make a blanket, a blanket I will be calling Parker. It had to be a "no sew" blanket though because I couldn't sew something to save my life.
I also filed away my ultrasound pictures from the night before it happened. Both a blessing and a curse. Seeing my "fine" baby with a "great" heartbeat and then losing it the next morning seems crazy to me. What changed in those 16 hours? At first I wished I hadn't had that ultrasound. My Mom then pointed out that I wouldn't have any proof that I had a baby growing in my tummy. Good point Mom.
I have never been more grateful for all the wonderful people in my life sending me love. The support has been amazing. You really cannot fully understand miscarriage though until it happens to you. My heart goes out to all who have had one, and especially to those that have had many.
For now I deal with the after effects of "birth". I am so sick of my own blood and apparently there's more to come. My heart aches but I feel a little better having closure. Having to continue a pregnancy in total fear that it could end at any moment would have been worse.
Now I have my Parker Angel looking down on me.
I named the baby Parker due to its gender ambiguous nature. Some may think it's silly to name a baby that didn't make it past 8 or so weeks but if you do, keep it to yourself. Again, I need to feel like this experience is real, my pain, my loss, my grief is real.
I bought some material to make a blanket, a blanket I will be calling Parker. It had to be a "no sew" blanket though because I couldn't sew something to save my life.
I also filed away my ultrasound pictures from the night before it happened. Both a blessing and a curse. Seeing my "fine" baby with a "great" heartbeat and then losing it the next morning seems crazy to me. What changed in those 16 hours? At first I wished I hadn't had that ultrasound. My Mom then pointed out that I wouldn't have any proof that I had a baby growing in my tummy. Good point Mom.
I have never been more grateful for all the wonderful people in my life sending me love. The support has been amazing. You really cannot fully understand miscarriage though until it happens to you. My heart goes out to all who have had one, and especially to those that have had many.
For now I deal with the after effects of "birth". I am so sick of my own blood and apparently there's more to come. My heart aches but I feel a little better having closure. Having to continue a pregnancy in total fear that it could end at any moment would have been worse.
Now I have my Parker Angel looking down on me.
Anyway that's my story with all the gory, raw details.
Monday, September 16, 2013
10 Things Important Things I Learned in My 20's
I am turning 30 in less than two months. First of all, let me be clear, this is not a "poor me, I'm getting old, omigodimturning30!!!!" post. I'm totally ok with turning 30. My mom has always said her 30's were the best years of her life so in a lot of ways I'm looking forward to them more than anything.
A very dear cousin and friend of mine is turning 20 today. Happy Birthday Karlster! In honour of this wonderful occasion I thought I would do my best to give the best advice and learnings I uncovered in my decade. I'm sure not all of it will be applicable, 10 years can change a lot! Plus we have different paths to live anyway. However, if nothing else I hope she knows I'm thinking of her and maybe I'll even make her laugh. So here I go!
The 10 Important Things I Learned in My 20's:
1) Keep out the drama! - When hanging out with people choose the low to no drama friends. To some people life is all a game. They want to play the mind games and keep you on your toes. They like reactions. Don't give them the pleasure. No reason to shun them either, you will always find these people and you may even decide to keep some as friends because you love them. All you have to do is not play into the drama. It's like a toddler having a tantrum, as soon as they know no one is watching or listening, they stop.
On a similar note, keep the good friends close! The ones that love you no matter what are the good ones. Also don't worry if everybody moves off to different places you just have to reach out through a phone call. And don't be prideful and not call because "you're always the one who has to call". And don't feel guilty and awkward if you are the one always being called. Just be grateful for the connection with a good friend.
2) Don't take student loans. - Oh how I wish someone had told me this. This amazing money that appears in your bank account magically one day is dangerous. Also it is not for clothes, movies, or alcohol. This money tricks you into thinking school is free. As much fun as I had in college with my friends, I'm still paying for it today. If I had worked and gone to school I would have been more sure about every penny I spent, every course I took, and the path I was on. Debt cripples you for years. If you take student loans, use them for school and have a plan to pay them off.
3) It's ok if you don't drink. It's also ok to drink. - The key is how you feel about it. Don't drink because everyone else is doing it, if you haven't heard, that's peer pressure. You can be fun and have a good time without alcohol. Alcohol is never a solution to a problem, it can be a fun addition to a good night though. My favorite college memories though were the ones were we were all completely sober and just hanging out doing funny and at times stupid things.
4) Mornings are a good time to get stuff done. - This is probably not something you want to hear right now. Sleeping in was good in my early 20's. But nothing beats the beautiful time of morning where not many people are up, you can grocery shop in peace, you can hear birds and actually smell what morning smells like. Plus you get so much done before noon that you have more time to relax later. Until then enjoy hiding under those covers until the crack of noon.
5) Put down the phone and pick up the phone. - By this I mean get off texting, get off social media, get off your email and actually speak to someone on the phone. Or better yet talk face to face! I didn't have a smart phone until 3 years ago but this is still a valuable lesson I learned in my 20's. Being on your phone around your family is rude. They don't always understand why this technology is so important to you, they want to see you, talk to you. When you are around your friends, you should be around your friends. I see too many people walking down the street in pairs or threes all heads down on their phones. It makes me sad and causes head on collisions at times. Take a techno brake every now and then, it really allows you to enjoy your thoughts and your friends. I often take facebook off my phone for a week and feel so much better. I've heard of unplugged weekends or even just an afternoon. That amount of information at our finger tips can be useful and at the same time consuming, just make sure you're not alienating what really matters by using it!
6) Budget! - I know this one sounds so boring. Honestly, even saying it makes me feel like your boring old cousin. Really though, it helps so much! Most people don't even know how much money they make! Keep track of it for a month and then you can see your expenses and get an idea of how much money you might have available to save. Save for a trip, retirement, a house, who knows but save for something! Otherwise money slips through your fingers faster than you can see it.
7) Try on lots of wedding dresses (and grooms if you need to!) - Don't go into your wedding knowing exactly what you want, it's going to change! I had two wedding dresses and my last was off the rack because the one I ordered I didn't end up liking the style on me. I thought I wanted a casual beachy dress so tried nothing else on. I ended up with a full skirt and lots of beading, who knows if I had gone in and tried every style! All in all though the dress matters little as long as you're sure of the groom :)
8) Your career will change, in my case a lot! - If you don't know, that's ok. That's pretty much all I have to say on this. I'm still figuring this one out. Don't be in a rush and don't pigeon hole yourself to something. If it no longer feels right, it's not.
9) Kids change everything! - Be ready and be sure. It's huge. Your teens and 20's are a "you first" experience which is for a reason! You need to figure out who you are. You have to make sure you are ready to be second because kids require you to be present at all times and need a lot of care. There will be time for you at times, you have to make that time though and it's easy to forget about you. If this means waiting to have kids a little longer it's probably for the best. Oh and I really learned to appreciate my parents in my 20's. Your parents made a lot of sacrifices for you, helped you out when they could, fed you (and still do), and they are always there for you on holidays or when you need a soft space to land. Not everyone has this so give your parents some extra hugs and love.
10) Don't sweat the small stuff! - It's an age old saying but I've found it appropriate. The small stuff will pass and the big things are the relationships. An exam, a fight, a bad hair day, they will all pass, and as long as you are kind and honest your relationships will be there. At the same time the small things you do with those people are the big things.
Just be you! You'll find out who that is as you go. Be true to you in any given moment and don't compare yourself to anyone. We all do this, we compare body type, education level, job type, relationship status, parenting style, etc. None of it matters, we're all doing the best we can with what we have. Comparing with others only leads us to question whether we are living our truth. Everyone has the perfect set of unique talents to add good to the world. And you my dear are no different. I love your kindness and compassion, your honesty, and your ability to laugh at yourself. I love your ability to say I don't get it, it shows you have a level of self-confidence and vulnerability that most don't have. I love your optimism, your want to make friends and listen to those friends. I love that you play games with my kids. You are beautiful inside and outside and I can't wait to see what you do with your 20's, I'm sure you will learn 10 lessons of your own (or more) but make sure you have fun doing it with people you love.
I love you! Happy Birthday! xo
A very dear cousin and friend of mine is turning 20 today. Happy Birthday Karlster! In honour of this wonderful occasion I thought I would do my best to give the best advice and learnings I uncovered in my decade. I'm sure not all of it will be applicable, 10 years can change a lot! Plus we have different paths to live anyway. However, if nothing else I hope she knows I'm thinking of her and maybe I'll even make her laugh. So here I go!
The 10 Important Things I Learned in My 20's:
1) Keep out the drama! - When hanging out with people choose the low to no drama friends. To some people life is all a game. They want to play the mind games and keep you on your toes. They like reactions. Don't give them the pleasure. No reason to shun them either, you will always find these people and you may even decide to keep some as friends because you love them. All you have to do is not play into the drama. It's like a toddler having a tantrum, as soon as they know no one is watching or listening, they stop.
On a similar note, keep the good friends close! The ones that love you no matter what are the good ones. Also don't worry if everybody moves off to different places you just have to reach out through a phone call. And don't be prideful and not call because "you're always the one who has to call". And don't feel guilty and awkward if you are the one always being called. Just be grateful for the connection with a good friend.
2) Don't take student loans. - Oh how I wish someone had told me this. This amazing money that appears in your bank account magically one day is dangerous. Also it is not for clothes, movies, or alcohol. This money tricks you into thinking school is free. As much fun as I had in college with my friends, I'm still paying for it today. If I had worked and gone to school I would have been more sure about every penny I spent, every course I took, and the path I was on. Debt cripples you for years. If you take student loans, use them for school and have a plan to pay them off.
3) It's ok if you don't drink. It's also ok to drink. - The key is how you feel about it. Don't drink because everyone else is doing it, if you haven't heard, that's peer pressure. You can be fun and have a good time without alcohol. Alcohol is never a solution to a problem, it can be a fun addition to a good night though. My favorite college memories though were the ones were we were all completely sober and just hanging out doing funny and at times stupid things.
4) Mornings are a good time to get stuff done. - This is probably not something you want to hear right now. Sleeping in was good in my early 20's. But nothing beats the beautiful time of morning where not many people are up, you can grocery shop in peace, you can hear birds and actually smell what morning smells like. Plus you get so much done before noon that you have more time to relax later. Until then enjoy hiding under those covers until the crack of noon.
5) Put down the phone and pick up the phone. - By this I mean get off texting, get off social media, get off your email and actually speak to someone on the phone. Or better yet talk face to face! I didn't have a smart phone until 3 years ago but this is still a valuable lesson I learned in my 20's. Being on your phone around your family is rude. They don't always understand why this technology is so important to you, they want to see you, talk to you. When you are around your friends, you should be around your friends. I see too many people walking down the street in pairs or threes all heads down on their phones. It makes me sad and causes head on collisions at times. Take a techno brake every now and then, it really allows you to enjoy your thoughts and your friends. I often take facebook off my phone for a week and feel so much better. I've heard of unplugged weekends or even just an afternoon. That amount of information at our finger tips can be useful and at the same time consuming, just make sure you're not alienating what really matters by using it!
6) Budget! - I know this one sounds so boring. Honestly, even saying it makes me feel like your boring old cousin. Really though, it helps so much! Most people don't even know how much money they make! Keep track of it for a month and then you can see your expenses and get an idea of how much money you might have available to save. Save for a trip, retirement, a house, who knows but save for something! Otherwise money slips through your fingers faster than you can see it.
7) Try on lots of wedding dresses (and grooms if you need to!) - Don't go into your wedding knowing exactly what you want, it's going to change! I had two wedding dresses and my last was off the rack because the one I ordered I didn't end up liking the style on me. I thought I wanted a casual beachy dress so tried nothing else on. I ended up with a full skirt and lots of beading, who knows if I had gone in and tried every style! All in all though the dress matters little as long as you're sure of the groom :)
8) Your career will change, in my case a lot! - If you don't know, that's ok. That's pretty much all I have to say on this. I'm still figuring this one out. Don't be in a rush and don't pigeon hole yourself to something. If it no longer feels right, it's not.
9) Kids change everything! - Be ready and be sure. It's huge. Your teens and 20's are a "you first" experience which is for a reason! You need to figure out who you are. You have to make sure you are ready to be second because kids require you to be present at all times and need a lot of care. There will be time for you at times, you have to make that time though and it's easy to forget about you. If this means waiting to have kids a little longer it's probably for the best. Oh and I really learned to appreciate my parents in my 20's. Your parents made a lot of sacrifices for you, helped you out when they could, fed you (and still do), and they are always there for you on holidays or when you need a soft space to land. Not everyone has this so give your parents some extra hugs and love.
10) Don't sweat the small stuff! - It's an age old saying but I've found it appropriate. The small stuff will pass and the big things are the relationships. An exam, a fight, a bad hair day, they will all pass, and as long as you are kind and honest your relationships will be there. At the same time the small things you do with those people are the big things.
Just be you! You'll find out who that is as you go. Be true to you in any given moment and don't compare yourself to anyone. We all do this, we compare body type, education level, job type, relationship status, parenting style, etc. None of it matters, we're all doing the best we can with what we have. Comparing with others only leads us to question whether we are living our truth. Everyone has the perfect set of unique talents to add good to the world. And you my dear are no different. I love your kindness and compassion, your honesty, and your ability to laugh at yourself. I love your ability to say I don't get it, it shows you have a level of self-confidence and vulnerability that most don't have. I love your optimism, your want to make friends and listen to those friends. I love that you play games with my kids. You are beautiful inside and outside and I can't wait to see what you do with your 20's, I'm sure you will learn 10 lessons of your own (or more) but make sure you have fun doing it with people you love.
I love you! Happy Birthday! xo
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Roller coaster... (of love)...
April. Whoa. What a month! It's amazing how one month can change your entire outlook on life! I have a story for you, the story of this April. I must tell you this to begin with though: it has a happy ending. I just didn't want you getting worried or depressed half way through, or thinking that you stumbled into a chicken soup for the blogger's soul book or something. It was a wild an emotional ride though.
I found out just before Easter my hubby had a lump by his eye that he had been keeping to himself for awhile. He's not one for appointments, especially with doctors so I took the liberty of making him an appointment and saying, "go."
He went and that's when things began to move in fast forward. He saw an eye specialist the next morning who got him an appointment with an eye specialist in Kelowna and ordered a ct scan. The hospital got us in the same day to get him his ct scan and though the xray technician doesn't read the scans usually she said to my hubby, "go to your doctor asap."
So the eye specialist here said that the one in Kelowna had taken a 3 day weekend and would call us monday likely. He also said he could send us to Vancouver but he didn't think we'd get in sooner than Monday but if the Kelowna specialist couldn't handle it, that is where we'd be sent. We alerted some close friends in Vancouver that we may need a place to crash and asked my parents for help with the boys should that arise. Of course we have the most amazing family and friends who said no problem, we're there for you.
So all weekend we tried to act normal. Red flags had be signalled in our heads from the speed and urgency attached with all of these appointments. Conversation was forced and a little melancholy. Waiting was nearly unbearable.
Monday morning we got a call saying we could be seen in Kelowna that afternoon. Strangely, our melancholy turned to excitement just from the fact that we would have an answer and a course of action finally!
The Dr. in Kelowna examined him and then spoke gently to us. I can't remember what he said other than the words "likely" and "lymphoma". He explained he needed to do a biopsy to confirm and then he would refer him to the Kelowna Cancer Clinic where treatment would most likely be radiation. He would also need a full body scan to see if it the cancer was anywhere else.
My husband was calm and collected but I noticed him become rigid as soon as "Kelowna Cancer Centre" was mentioned. I'm not sure he even put cancer and lymphoma together until that moment. I sat in a chair across the room, glazed over.
The only consolation of the moment was this Dr.'s mannerism. Kind, gentle, helpful and sincere. He said he would do his best to get him into the biopsy surgery quickly. Then he and my hubby joked over the computer system he used for his clients. In my head was a voice shouting, "are you FREAKING kidding me? How can you joke at a time like this?! I'm barely holding it together here!"
Fortunately, my husband is the yang to my yin (or the yin to my yang when appropriate) so he held it together astonishingly well. He phoned his mom, the only person worrying more than myself, and told her the news.
On the car ride home, my husband wanted to stop for groceries. He wanted to change his diet to nearly raw, definitely cutting out wheat and dairy. His confidence was assuring. He was steady and wasn't entirely accepting of the diagnosis but still wanted to do everything he could to make sure he was the epitome of health.
That car ride home I managed to squeak out my fear of losing him. Of course as soon as you hear the big C, all you can think about is "what if"?
Again his confidence that he would not be going anywhere was reassuring... mostly.
I managed to make a joke that his body was so healthy that it was rejecting the cancer and trying to push it out through his eye. It made him laugh and that soothed me.
We got a call the next day that his surgery would be in a week. That was a long week. Especially the next day. I just couldn't shake the "what if I'm left all by myself" worry. I admire my single mother friends so much already but that week gave it a whole new admiration. You are on 24/7 as a single mom. I wasn't sure I had it in me.
The next days were better. A slow trust began to trickle back into my soul, knowing you are only handed what you can handle. Also positive thoughts were my crutch. Every night before bed I would take my special gratitude rock and say "thank you, thank you, thank you for my husband's good health."
Every time I looked at my husband I felt a renewed love for him. I looked differently at the things he did daily that make my life and my boy's lives so much easier and better. I turned away from things that normally annoy me. I let him take care of himself first. I held his hand any time I could. I made him raw salads and desserts so he wouldn't get bored with his new diet. I funnelled all my love into my family, activities together and apart, trying to keep things normal but with an amped up frequency of love.
I asked his parents to join me for the big day. His mom and I are close and let every word we exchanged hug each other with comfort and support. His dad, always the tension diffuser, kept us amused, fed, and de-caffeine-ated.
The surgery should have taken an hour but lingered on for an hour and a half. We weren't sure what his condition would be but soon saw him walking the corridor towards us with a huge smile on his face.
He had great news. The doctor went in under the eye lid as planned and the first thing he noticed was that the color of the mass was not that of lymphoma which should have been salmon pink, it was blood red. The doctor then proceeded to explain it was an anomaly called a blood lesion that he had not seen in twenty years. It also shows up the same as lymphoma on a ct scan. He had done his doctoral studies in them and the removal of them, and would he like him to remove it right now? Um, hell yah?
It was more involved surgery having to cut down the corner of the eye to remove the lump the size of his thumb! He was off a week and couldn't lift the boys for 10 days but the relief was all we cared about. The biopsy came back with extra assurance of no cancer.
The relief was felt emotionally and physically, literally like a 50lb backpack was removed from my shoulders. Celebration can't even begin to describe it as his mom and I spent the whole way home alerting family and the few friends we had told of the situation. Lighter was the describing word of the day, physically, emotionally, and attitude wise.
Obviously, the cancer word should not have been essentially diagnosed until after the biopsy results. I understand the doctor's thinking, since these are an anomaly and he hadn't seen one in twenty years it was likely in his head weighed heavily against the odds. I have no resent for this wonderful doctor, I am happy the situation happened actually.
For one, the lump is gone and his eye is back in the right spot, hopefully to recover full vision. Unfortunately, because the lump pressed on the eye and lifted it, wrinkles formed on the back of the eye distorting his vision. With hope time will fix it.
For two, I got a renewed sense of love and appreciation for my husband, my family (immediate, extended and friends), our life and even myself. Life seems short when the thought of losing life comes up. The little things like holding hands and all four of us sitting on the couch together and watching a movie become the big things and the little things become everything that doesn't include this love.
My life is full of love and I will continue living my life with love as my first priority. This includes self love, always a challenge but always important.
Our 10th anniversary of being a couple was a month ago, amidst the chaos of "cancer". Tomorrow is my husband and I's 7th wedding anniversary. I look forward to celebrating this anniversary not with a tone of "cherishing and remembering our love" but of appreciating the survival and thriving of our love and all the years left to share and grow together.
xoxoxoxo
I found out just before Easter my hubby had a lump by his eye that he had been keeping to himself for awhile. He's not one for appointments, especially with doctors so I took the liberty of making him an appointment and saying, "go."
He went and that's when things began to move in fast forward. He saw an eye specialist the next morning who got him an appointment with an eye specialist in Kelowna and ordered a ct scan. The hospital got us in the same day to get him his ct scan and though the xray technician doesn't read the scans usually she said to my hubby, "go to your doctor asap."
So the eye specialist here said that the one in Kelowna had taken a 3 day weekend and would call us monday likely. He also said he could send us to Vancouver but he didn't think we'd get in sooner than Monday but if the Kelowna specialist couldn't handle it, that is where we'd be sent. We alerted some close friends in Vancouver that we may need a place to crash and asked my parents for help with the boys should that arise. Of course we have the most amazing family and friends who said no problem, we're there for you.
So all weekend we tried to act normal. Red flags had be signalled in our heads from the speed and urgency attached with all of these appointments. Conversation was forced and a little melancholy. Waiting was nearly unbearable.
Monday morning we got a call saying we could be seen in Kelowna that afternoon. Strangely, our melancholy turned to excitement just from the fact that we would have an answer and a course of action finally!
The Dr. in Kelowna examined him and then spoke gently to us. I can't remember what he said other than the words "likely" and "lymphoma". He explained he needed to do a biopsy to confirm and then he would refer him to the Kelowna Cancer Clinic where treatment would most likely be radiation. He would also need a full body scan to see if it the cancer was anywhere else.
My husband was calm and collected but I noticed him become rigid as soon as "Kelowna Cancer Centre" was mentioned. I'm not sure he even put cancer and lymphoma together until that moment. I sat in a chair across the room, glazed over.
The only consolation of the moment was this Dr.'s mannerism. Kind, gentle, helpful and sincere. He said he would do his best to get him into the biopsy surgery quickly. Then he and my hubby joked over the computer system he used for his clients. In my head was a voice shouting, "are you FREAKING kidding me? How can you joke at a time like this?! I'm barely holding it together here!"
Fortunately, my husband is the yang to my yin (or the yin to my yang when appropriate) so he held it together astonishingly well. He phoned his mom, the only person worrying more than myself, and told her the news.
On the car ride home, my husband wanted to stop for groceries. He wanted to change his diet to nearly raw, definitely cutting out wheat and dairy. His confidence was assuring. He was steady and wasn't entirely accepting of the diagnosis but still wanted to do everything he could to make sure he was the epitome of health.
That car ride home I managed to squeak out my fear of losing him. Of course as soon as you hear the big C, all you can think about is "what if"?
Again his confidence that he would not be going anywhere was reassuring... mostly.
I managed to make a joke that his body was so healthy that it was rejecting the cancer and trying to push it out through his eye. It made him laugh and that soothed me.
We got a call the next day that his surgery would be in a week. That was a long week. Especially the next day. I just couldn't shake the "what if I'm left all by myself" worry. I admire my single mother friends so much already but that week gave it a whole new admiration. You are on 24/7 as a single mom. I wasn't sure I had it in me.
The next days were better. A slow trust began to trickle back into my soul, knowing you are only handed what you can handle. Also positive thoughts were my crutch. Every night before bed I would take my special gratitude rock and say "thank you, thank you, thank you for my husband's good health."
Every time I looked at my husband I felt a renewed love for him. I looked differently at the things he did daily that make my life and my boy's lives so much easier and better. I turned away from things that normally annoy me. I let him take care of himself first. I held his hand any time I could. I made him raw salads and desserts so he wouldn't get bored with his new diet. I funnelled all my love into my family, activities together and apart, trying to keep things normal but with an amped up frequency of love.
I asked his parents to join me for the big day. His mom and I are close and let every word we exchanged hug each other with comfort and support. His dad, always the tension diffuser, kept us amused, fed, and de-caffeine-ated.
The surgery should have taken an hour but lingered on for an hour and a half. We weren't sure what his condition would be but soon saw him walking the corridor towards us with a huge smile on his face.
He had great news. The doctor went in under the eye lid as planned and the first thing he noticed was that the color of the mass was not that of lymphoma which should have been salmon pink, it was blood red. The doctor then proceeded to explain it was an anomaly called a blood lesion that he had not seen in twenty years. It also shows up the same as lymphoma on a ct scan. He had done his doctoral studies in them and the removal of them, and would he like him to remove it right now? Um, hell yah?
It was more involved surgery having to cut down the corner of the eye to remove the lump the size of his thumb! He was off a week and couldn't lift the boys for 10 days but the relief was all we cared about. The biopsy came back with extra assurance of no cancer.
The relief was felt emotionally and physically, literally like a 50lb backpack was removed from my shoulders. Celebration can't even begin to describe it as his mom and I spent the whole way home alerting family and the few friends we had told of the situation. Lighter was the describing word of the day, physically, emotionally, and attitude wise.
Obviously, the cancer word should not have been essentially diagnosed until after the biopsy results. I understand the doctor's thinking, since these are an anomaly and he hadn't seen one in twenty years it was likely in his head weighed heavily against the odds. I have no resent for this wonderful doctor, I am happy the situation happened actually.
For one, the lump is gone and his eye is back in the right spot, hopefully to recover full vision. Unfortunately, because the lump pressed on the eye and lifted it, wrinkles formed on the back of the eye distorting his vision. With hope time will fix it.
For two, I got a renewed sense of love and appreciation for my husband, my family (immediate, extended and friends), our life and even myself. Life seems short when the thought of losing life comes up. The little things like holding hands and all four of us sitting on the couch together and watching a movie become the big things and the little things become everything that doesn't include this love.
My life is full of love and I will continue living my life with love as my first priority. This includes self love, always a challenge but always important.
Our 10th anniversary of being a couple was a month ago, amidst the chaos of "cancer". Tomorrow is my husband and I's 7th wedding anniversary. I look forward to celebrating this anniversary not with a tone of "cherishing and remembering our love" but of appreciating the survival and thriving of our love and all the years left to share and grow together.
xoxoxoxo
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