Summer lovin'

I have definitely been loving the summer heat.  Well maybe not definitely.  Our house is a furnace.  We have no air conditioning.  It sucks.  I don't do well hot.  I'm a pitta.  We're already hot and passionate enough, we need no help.  I have worse patience, I don't want to move, I definitely don't want to hold little ones.

So we bought back our swamp cooler from a friend.  The first night was wonderful and then it broke.  Doh!

Luckily my hubby is very handy and today it's been back in service.

All in all, we have had to leave our house for the great outdoors most evenings because of it being too hot which has led to many adventures outside.  Eli couldn't be happier.

Ozzy has been pretty cranky generally.  Not because of being outside more, just cranky.  Especially in the evenings.  He needs to go to bed at about 6:30pm for the night and likely would rise at 5:30am if allowed.  But the way it usually goes down is he goes down at 6:30pm for about a half hour and then Eli will wake him.  We could close the door but then Eli would scream and pound the door and wake him anyway.  Then Ozzy is awake and cranky and will eat and be happy for about 15 minutes and revert back to cranky while I try and put Eli to bed over an hour or two.  Then once Eli is asleep I put Ozzy in our bed for the night and milk him to sleep and he's down till about midnight or 2am, depending on the evening.

Then at 6:30am Ozzy is up and at 'em and Eli could use a couple more hours of sleep and is cranky all morning until I manage to get him to surrender into a nap, if I can manage to.

My Mother-in-law went through the same thing she said, her first was the early riser though and her second had colic.  I could have it so much worse.  She'd crawl to bed at 5am or so to be woken up at 6am by her toddler, ready to go for the day.

What I really don't get about kids is why you can tell they need a nap and are so, so exhaustedly tired and yet all they want to do is fight sleep?  Why?  WHY?

But overall life is pretty good, I'm still in my upswing where I can quickly find the bright side and that the grass is in fact as green on both sides of the fence.  I'm enjoying most moments with my children.  I've even gotten into the habit of talking to Eli before bed to help him calm down.  I ask him how his day was, ask him what he did, sometimes he makes stuff up, sometimes he chooses to tell me what he ate.  Then I ask him what his favorite part was and it's always different and interesting.  Today the question was answered with avoidance, also known as "Mother, can you not see I'm too busy to answer your trivial question?  I am conducting a scientific experiment to determine if my bath boats are capable of water transfer to one another."

This summer is shaping up to be a good one.  I am especially excited about an upcoming wedding of two very close friends of ours.  I will be doing my first full day with out Oz-bert so hopefully that goes well.   He will be with Baba and Grandpa and Eli of course.  I think they will have a fun time and then hubby and I can concentrate on being good wedding coordinators/MC's.  I'm going to count it as a date.  Trust me.  It counts.

The more I learn about myself, the more I learn about my kids.  I'm a much more calm, collected person when I have some sort of life away from them.  I think that's a good thing.  It's good to show your children that everyone needs alone time, or independent time.  As long as some one is there for them at all times they will do fine with it.  They will grow up to be secure individuals and I will keep my sanity!

Back to school

Well as usual I have found myself feeling very guilty lately.  In my seemingly never-ending quest to bring my body back to health, I have had to ask an awful lot of my dear parents especially my Mama.  I have been seeing a chiropractor ever since Eli was born (two days before actually).  We just started to make progress and then I told him I was pregnant again.  So we are working away trying to get my back to let me sleep again and we are making such little progress that we've added two gentle yoga sessions a week and a once a week massage for 6 weeks.  So that plus three work shifts a week = a lot of time with my momma babysitting.


So I am trying to balance getting my health back with keeping my mom from burning out.  GUILT!


So I am currently in an up-swing of parenting.  If it's one thing I've noticed about parenting is that it goes in waves of ease and waves of brutal, bang your head against the wall, exhausting hard times.  June was a hard month for that, likely because of all the change with us moving.  But like with all these hard waves you beat your head against the wall for awhile, cry, read, cope and finally find something that works... for awhile.  Then you get an easy time for awhile and then another bump in the road.  


So my current issues are pretty normal with toddlers.  Not listening.  So what I have discovered on this subject is that there can be no warnings.  If you hurt your brother I take away something you like.  Simple.  I try and do this with all "not listening issues" but there are certain exceptions when I'm breastfeeding and Eli helps himself to the fridge when I've said no but overall.


I'm not sure if I've just managed to get a little more patient or loving or what but I have had an easier time communicating with Eli as well.  Some one said something to me that when they are in the middle of a tantrum and you're losing your mind you ask the question:  how old are you?  And you basically answer it yourself.  He's two.  Two years old.  He is working on his maturity, especially his emotional maturity.  I'm the adult and I need to be a good example for him.  


The mother is the biggest influence on a child in the first three years of his or her life.  I am setting an example for how to be compassionate for my boys.  How to be strong and vulnerable, solid and impressionable, secure and wide-open.  This values that are forming right now are so important and I need to rise to the occasion.  Though sometimes rising involves clawing my way up the steepest hill of my own crap: my sleep deprivation, personal needs, and my ideas of how things should go.


I've also been managing to do something fun every day with Eli, like chalk outside, crafts inside, a walk, etc.


I've also given up on bedtime at a specific hour.  There's just no point, if he's not tired he will not sleep!  No matter how much I want him to!  So I do a routine of a big or small activity depending on how late it is and then get ready for bed and if he's tired he'll be down in 15-30 minutes.  If I try and do otherwise he can take 1-2 hours to get him to sleep, I get more time just letting him wear himself out.  But I think it has really helped to have the house quiet, no tv (and by that I mean netflix) and nice quiet music while he does quiet activities when I know he's getting pretty tired.


So anyway, it's nice to be in an up-swing it gives me hope that my dream of a third is not just an unrealistic dream.  Also a good friend of mine just announced her third is coming and I'm very impressionable to any kind of advertising: tv, seeing an item of clothing, seeing yummy food, a baby announcements, I just have to have one!  So my talk of possibly never wanting a third is kaput now and will stay likely until another down-swing, hehe.  


So back to the never ending ups and downs of parenting, the never ending lesson in compassion and patience.  



  

Two plus how many

When I started this blog I had to find a name for it that was not taken.  I tried a few different names like yoga mommy etc., all of which were taken and then it came to me:  Two plus how many?  The two being hubby and I and the how many being how many kids are we going to have? 


Around when we were getting married hubby wanted two and I wanted three.


Then we had one and we both thought let's have three for sure!  A few months later hubby said let's have even more.  I wasn't convinced.


Anyway I always had three in my head, even when one felt like a handful.  This was especially true after we found out Ozzy was going to be a boy since I had previously had that baby spirit meditation where I met a little girl.


The next parts are hard to write, though I pride myself in being totally candid and not leaving out any of the dark, dirty details.  This past week has been a difficult one.  I'm not sure if it has something to do with Venus being so close but I have been feeling so depressed.  Quite a few days I have wished to not be me.  Quite often I felt out of control and totally impatient with my poor boys.  My patting for burps on Ozzy would get way too hard when I just for the love of god want to get some sleep and he'd cry harder.  Or  just any time Eli would not listen to me I would fly off the handle and he would give me that look like, "I don't understand why I can't do anything right for you mommy."  There were times when I could have just walked out the door.  There were times when I thought just not being alive might be easier.  The terrible two's can be pretty terrible.  Especially when combined with a cluster-feeding teether.  


At any rate I finally decided something that made me feel a lot better.  I am done having kids, for now.  I add the for now because I'm not entirely sure but I know that I can't have any more children until Eli gets a lot easier.  A. Lot. Easier.


In some ways I find this realization crushing.  I really want a girl.  It goes without saying that I love my boys but for many reasons I still want a girl.  I also feel like there's this little girl soul waiting out there for us.  


I also feel relieved.  I feel like I've built up our family as a family of five in my head.  But a good friend of mine would agree that the ratio of arms to young children should been even and not exceeded.  Quite often on the weekends a break for me is hubby taking one boy and me taking the other.  I also think quality time with each child is important.  

Some people will tell me I'm being silly but I feel like a terrible mom lately.  If I can't be a good mom for 2 kids then I have no business having a third.


So I am coming to terms with the thought that maybe we are meant to be a family of four.  Or maybe there needs to be a large gap between #2 and #3.  Like at least 3 years.


For the longest time I was thinking the closer the better.  I want to be done with diapers. My body also doesn't seem to be getting any younger or less sore.  But I can't push another child (pun intended) into our world just because certain things might be easier on me if I did.


I remember the day my chiropractor said I was finally recovering from Eli's birth.  It was the day I told him I was pregnant again.  My poor body doesn't seem to do well pregnant or breastfeeding.  I also feel like I need to get some resemblance of a life back.  It was such a treat tonight when I didn't have to put Eli to bed.  A night out with friends or a date night is so rare I barely feel like a person any more.  All my stories begin with, "my son did.. or my son puked on me... or... well you get the picture.  


And I am so bloody tired.  I'm sure that has a ton to do with my short fuse and depression. But still.


Two plus how many?  It's still a question as far as I'm concerned.  But the pressure is off.

exhuastion

omg.  If there was ever a time for me to say, please not one more thing on my plate it would be right now.  I am exhausted.

Working part time and being a mommy is enough work for anybody, but trying to coordinate a move all by myself while finishing my teacher training has been ridiculous.  I'm not going to type much because I am too tired and recovering from the stomach flu still, though much better than I was.  Just having troubles getting my energy back up afterwards.

BUT, little Mr. Oz turned 6 months last Wednesday so I felt the need to report some stats.  Ozzy weighed in at 22 lbs and measured 27.25 inches (maybe a half, he doesn't sit very still, ever.)

6 months is the magic food age apparently.  I am wanting to try baby led weaning which means letting the baby feed himself from day one and not necessarily giving purees, more trying to feed them from what you are having as a family.  No spoons and no putting the food in baby's mouth.  This control from the baby is supposed to help the baby only eat what they want to and learn their full cues from a young age.  They are supposedly less picky eaters as well when they grow up.

My main problem with this process is knowing what to give him surprisingly.  So far he has had a piece of banana, mashed potatoes, honey dew, and a piece of orange.  He didn't love the banana, wolfed down the mashed potatoes and destroyed/juiced the honey dew and orange.

I am just very unmotivated to give him any food.  Maybe that should be my sign but he so wants food and is so interested in it.  I'm just wondering what to feed him.  As a society we have these set rules of what to start and when and now much like the packing of my house, I feel so overwhelmed with where to start that I don't.  Well ok, my mom made me start.  She's been amazing (love you Mama! xo) and we have started packing the house.

Moving countdown:  4 sleeps

I'm in trouble.

Bed for now though, that's a worry for another day.

5 Months Ozzy!

Ozzy is 5 months old!  He weighs 21 lbs and is 26.25 inches.  My crazy big guy!  Love him so much!

I'm updating this post a day later, thought I would write a few more words.  I'm tired, so tired.  Eli is just wearing me out.  He won't listen to anything I say.  And he waits until I'm breastfeeding or showering to do the especially terrible things.  Our house is a constant disaster and I'm a screaming lunatic.  I'm just finding myself swinging wildly out of control over anything.  I get aggressive and treat Eli more harshly than I'd like to feeling incredibly guilty afterwards too.  I'll get angry and make him lie down and then in the process smack his poor little head into the wall for instance.  That same beautiful little head that was concussed less than two weeks ago that I'm supposed to be keeping extremely safe and out of danger.  


No sugar coating on this blog.  Just me.  Real me with my real flaws as shameful as they make me feel.  I've done everything I swore I'd never do, spank, slap, hit, bite, pinch, scream.  It all makes me sick to my stomach guilty afterwards.  I know violence is not the answer, especially when you are trying to get the point across that they shouldn't be violent.  How fricking confusing!  But when you say over and over the same words that never get through it gets really frustrating.  Especially when you are trying to keep a defenceless little 5 month old safe.  At least time outs are seeming like they are starting  to work.  I just need to get him confined to a place.  It's all a power struggle.  I've let him have far too much power since I've been so tired I just let him do what he wants.  So we had a good fight today and I stuck it out and hopefully it will make a difference.


I know I need to savour these years.  But it's damn hard sometimes.  It seems like I can only remember to savour it when they are asleep and then I almost want them to wake up so I can enjoy them but at the same time I'm like WHOA, don't be crazy!


I guess this is all to do with a bigger life lesson of being present in your life in the good times and the bad times.  That's my goal for tomorrow.  I thought I was doing better today but then I just lost it.  My house was torn apart, fridge open, food everywhere (most half eaten), laundry strewn about, all clean clothes of hangers, pee on the floor, snotty nose wiping all over me and he needed a god damn nap but wouldn't take it!!  And snap.  Bye patience!


I need a project with Eli for tomorrow.  Maybe some arts and crafts will help us.


Ok I think it's bedtime.  Maybe a little more rest will help.

Schminute

Well it's been awhile again, no apologies of course, I have been very busy!

My sweet first born turned 2!!  We had an amazing dinosaur party with all his friends and most of his family, Grandma and Grandpa He were unfortunately sick :(

My aunt and mom were amazing caterers, Double Baba Catering we called them.  Eli and Ozzy both grew quite fond of their Baba Sue as we call her while she was visiting!

And on Thursday little Ozbert turned 3 months!  For 11 days though I had a 2 year old and a 2 month old, hehe.


Updates:

I finally got an interview!  It was an amazing job and I got offered it which was incredibly tempting but I had to decline it because it was full time, no budging.  It would have been awesome though.  I have thrown my resume at two more jobs this week, we'll see what happens.  I really don't want to work at all though.  It would be nice to have a little extra cash though.

I am learning to drive and doing well according to my patient, wonderful hubby!  I'm hoping to be a full fledged 'N' driver by summer.  It will be awesome to be able to drive by myself if I want to go to my mom's or drive the boys to the park, or go to kelowna with my bestie :)

Hubby has been working his new job in Kelowna which has him gone early, early but back at a decent time at least.  Still 12 hour days aren't easy on him.  At least he has his bestie to chat with on the way to and from.

My running took a tumble since Justin is back at work.  I've missed one session but I am just having so much trouble finding time to do my runs.  I'm teaching yoga 3 times a week for the next 3 weeks so it's so hard to get people to constantly watch the boys for me for that AND 3 runs a week.  But I did run 5.5 km today on the half way point of my program.  I feel like I can really do it!  Big confidence booster and enough to keep me trying and pleading for people to watch my boys in order for the big dream!


And I've finally turned a corner with the boys where I'm finding it actually easier to be by myself all day with them and not go crazy!  Ozzy is in the exersaucer now which is super fun to watch, he has conversations with all his toys, what a talker!!  Eli is still abusing his brother but we're working on it.  After asking advice and reading lots I think it's just that he doesn't know how to interact with him but he wants to so badly!  So I know there will still be hard days but I'm finally feeling comfortable.  Only took 3 months, not too bad!


Ozzy is such a wonderful little angel though, every time I look at him I feel blessed.  He is so happy and chatting and so full of light.  Wonderful addition to my awesome family!


Anyway, speaking of, he is hungry and I think I will take him to bed now.  In bed before 9???  Oh well I'm tired enough to make that work!  I had a long day of yoga teacher training and then a 5 km run today!  Let's hope for the third night in a row of only up to feed once!!!

More mother guilt

It never feels like enough.  That's mother's guilt.  I'm feeling a little down.  I feel like I don't have enough patience with Eli, I don't spend enough time with him.  But I was up for hours with a coughing Ozzy last night.  So I spent time researching coughing and when to worry, and worrying about Ozzy, comforting Ozzy today.  Oh and then I have to plan my yoga classes for tomorrow and friday.  And every time I think about something fun to do with my kids yoga I think why doesn't Eli get that type of attention from his mommy.  Eli would like that game, why haven't I done it with Eli.  I just feel poopy.  That's the best word to describe it.  I know "mama told me there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this mama said" but I still feel down and guilty.  I always want to do more, be more.  Stress is getting me down too.  Bed now, hopefully tomorrow brings less guilt and brighter perspective.