When I started this blog I had to find a name for it that was not taken. I tried a few different names like yoga mommy etc., all of which were taken and then it came to me: Two plus how many? The two being hubby and I and the how many being how many kids are we going to have?
Around when we were getting married hubby wanted two and I wanted three.
Then we had one and we both thought let's have three for sure! A few months later hubby said let's have even more. I wasn't convinced.
Anyway I always had three in my head, even when one felt like a handful. This was especially true after we found out Ozzy was going to be a boy since I had previously had that baby spirit meditation where I met a little girl.
The next parts are hard to write, though I pride myself in being totally candid and not leaving out any of the dark, dirty details. This past week has been a difficult one. I'm not sure if it has something to do with Venus being so close but I have been feeling so depressed. Quite a few days I have wished to not be me. Quite often I felt out of control and totally impatient with my poor boys. My patting for burps on Ozzy would get way too hard when I just for the love of god want to get some sleep and he'd cry harder. Or just any time Eli would not listen to me I would fly off the handle and he would give me that look like, "I don't understand why I can't do anything right for you mommy." There were times when I could have just walked out the door. There were times when I thought just not being alive might be easier. The terrible two's can be pretty terrible. Especially when combined with a cluster-feeding teether.
At any rate I finally decided something that made me feel a lot better. I am done having kids, for now. I add the for now because I'm not entirely sure but I know that I can't have any more children until Eli gets a lot easier. A. Lot. Easier.
In some ways I find this realization crushing. I really want a girl. It goes without saying that I love my boys but for many reasons I still want a girl. I also feel like there's this little girl soul waiting out there for us.
I also feel relieved. I feel like I've built up our family as a family of five in my head. But a good friend of mine would agree that the ratio of arms to young children should been even and not exceeded. Quite often on the weekends a break for me is hubby taking one boy and me taking the other. I also think quality time with each child is important.
Some people will tell me I'm being silly but I feel like a terrible mom lately. If I can't be a good mom for 2 kids then I have no business having a third.
So I am coming to terms with the thought that maybe we are meant to be a family of four. Or maybe there needs to be a large gap between #2 and #3. Like at least 3 years.
For the longest time I was thinking the closer the better. I want to be done with diapers. My body also doesn't seem to be getting any younger or less sore. But I can't push another child (pun intended) into our world just because certain things might be easier on me if I did.
I remember the day my chiropractor said I was finally recovering from Eli's birth. It was the day I told him I was pregnant again. My poor body doesn't seem to do well pregnant or breastfeeding. I also feel like I need to get some resemblance of a life back. It was such a treat tonight when I didn't have to put Eli to bed. A night out with friends or a date night is so rare I barely feel like a person any more. All my stories begin with, "my son did.. or my son puked on me... or... well you get the picture.
And I am so bloody tired. I'm sure that has a ton to do with my short fuse and depression. But still.
Two plus how many? It's still a question as far as I'm concerned. But the pressure is off.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
exhuastion
omg. If there was ever a time for me to say, please not one more thing on my plate it would be right now. I am exhausted.
Working part time and being a mommy is enough work for anybody, but trying to coordinate a move all by myself while finishing my teacher training has been ridiculous. I'm not going to type much because I am too tired and recovering from the stomach flu still, though much better than I was. Just having troubles getting my energy back up afterwards.
BUT, little Mr. Oz turned 6 months last Wednesday so I felt the need to report some stats. Ozzy weighed in at 22 lbs and measured 27.25 inches (maybe a half, he doesn't sit very still, ever.)
6 months is the magic food age apparently. I am wanting to try baby led weaning which means letting the baby feed himself from day one and not necessarily giving purees, more trying to feed them from what you are having as a family. No spoons and no putting the food in baby's mouth. This control from the baby is supposed to help the baby only eat what they want to and learn their full cues from a young age. They are supposedly less picky eaters as well when they grow up.
My main problem with this process is knowing what to give him surprisingly. So far he has had a piece of banana, mashed potatoes, honey dew, and a piece of orange. He didn't love the banana, wolfed down the mashed potatoes and destroyed/juiced the honey dew and orange.
I am just very unmotivated to give him any food. Maybe that should be my sign but he so wants food and is so interested in it. I'm just wondering what to feed him. As a society we have these set rules of what to start and when and now much like the packing of my house, I feel so overwhelmed with where to start that I don't. Well ok, my mom made me start. She's been amazing (love you Mama! xo) and we have started packing the house.
Moving countdown: 4 sleeps
I'm in trouble.
Bed for now though, that's a worry for another day.
Monday, April 23, 2012
5 Months Ozzy!
Ozzy is 5 months old! He weighs 21 lbs and is 26.25 inches. My crazy big guy! Love him so much!
I'm updating this post a day later, thought I would write a few more words. I'm tired, so tired. Eli is just wearing me out. He won't listen to anything I say. And he waits until I'm breastfeeding or showering to do the especially terrible things. Our house is a constant disaster and I'm a screaming lunatic. I'm just finding myself swinging wildly out of control over anything. I get aggressive and treat Eli more harshly than I'd like to feeling incredibly guilty afterwards too. I'll get angry and make him lie down and then in the process smack his poor little head into the wall for instance. That same beautiful little head that was concussed less than two weeks ago that I'm supposed to be keeping extremely safe and out of danger.
No sugar coating on this blog. Just me. Real me with my real flaws as shameful as they make me feel. I've done everything I swore I'd never do, spank, slap, hit, bite, pinch, scream. It all makes me sick to my stomach guilty afterwards. I know violence is not the answer, especially when you are trying to get the point across that they shouldn't be violent. How fricking confusing! But when you say over and over the same words that never get through it gets really frustrating. Especially when you are trying to keep a defenceless little 5 month old safe. At least time outs are seeming like they are starting to work. I just need to get him confined to a place. It's all a power struggle. I've let him have far too much power since I've been so tired I just let him do what he wants. So we had a good fight today and I stuck it out and hopefully it will make a difference.
I know I need to savour these years. But it's damn hard sometimes. It seems like I can only remember to savour it when they are asleep and then I almost want them to wake up so I can enjoy them but at the same time I'm like WHOA, don't be crazy!
I guess this is all to do with a bigger life lesson of being present in your life in the good times and the bad times. That's my goal for tomorrow. I thought I was doing better today but then I just lost it. My house was torn apart, fridge open, food everywhere (most half eaten), laundry strewn about, all clean clothes of hangers, pee on the floor, snotty nose wiping all over me and he needed a god damn nap but wouldn't take it!! And snap. Bye patience!
I need a project with Eli for tomorrow. Maybe some arts and crafts will help us.
Ok I think it's bedtime. Maybe a little more rest will help.
I'm updating this post a day later, thought I would write a few more words. I'm tired, so tired. Eli is just wearing me out. He won't listen to anything I say. And he waits until I'm breastfeeding or showering to do the especially terrible things. Our house is a constant disaster and I'm a screaming lunatic. I'm just finding myself swinging wildly out of control over anything. I get aggressive and treat Eli more harshly than I'd like to feeling incredibly guilty afterwards too. I'll get angry and make him lie down and then in the process smack his poor little head into the wall for instance. That same beautiful little head that was concussed less than two weeks ago that I'm supposed to be keeping extremely safe and out of danger.
No sugar coating on this blog. Just me. Real me with my real flaws as shameful as they make me feel. I've done everything I swore I'd never do, spank, slap, hit, bite, pinch, scream. It all makes me sick to my stomach guilty afterwards. I know violence is not the answer, especially when you are trying to get the point across that they shouldn't be violent. How fricking confusing! But when you say over and over the same words that never get through it gets really frustrating. Especially when you are trying to keep a defenceless little 5 month old safe. At least time outs are seeming like they are starting to work. I just need to get him confined to a place. It's all a power struggle. I've let him have far too much power since I've been so tired I just let him do what he wants. So we had a good fight today and I stuck it out and hopefully it will make a difference.
I know I need to savour these years. But it's damn hard sometimes. It seems like I can only remember to savour it when they are asleep and then I almost want them to wake up so I can enjoy them but at the same time I'm like WHOA, don't be crazy!
I guess this is all to do with a bigger life lesson of being present in your life in the good times and the bad times. That's my goal for tomorrow. I thought I was doing better today but then I just lost it. My house was torn apart, fridge open, food everywhere (most half eaten), laundry strewn about, all clean clothes of hangers, pee on the floor, snotty nose wiping all over me and he needed a god damn nap but wouldn't take it!! And snap. Bye patience!
I need a project with Eli for tomorrow. Maybe some arts and crafts will help us.
Ok I think it's bedtime. Maybe a little more rest will help.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Schminute
Well it's been awhile again, no apologies of course, I have been very busy!
My sweet first born turned 2!! We had an amazing dinosaur party with all his friends and most of his family, Grandma and Grandpa He were unfortunately sick :(
My aunt and mom were amazing caterers, Double Baba Catering we called them. Eli and Ozzy both grew quite fond of their Baba Sue as we call her while she was visiting!
And on Thursday little Ozbert turned 3 months! For 11 days though I had a 2 year old and a 2 month old, hehe.
Updates:
I finally got an interview! It was an amazing job and I got offered it which was incredibly tempting but I had to decline it because it was full time, no budging. It would have been awesome though. I have thrown my resume at two more jobs this week, we'll see what happens. I really don't want to work at all though. It would be nice to have a little extra cash though.
I am learning to drive and doing well according to my patient, wonderful hubby! I'm hoping to be a full fledged 'N' driver by summer. It will be awesome to be able to drive by myself if I want to go to my mom's or drive the boys to the park, or go to kelowna with my bestie :)
Hubby has been working his new job in Kelowna which has him gone early, early but back at a decent time at least. Still 12 hour days aren't easy on him. At least he has his bestie to chat with on the way to and from.
My running took a tumble since Justin is back at work. I've missed one session but I am just having so much trouble finding time to do my runs. I'm teaching yoga 3 times a week for the next 3 weeks so it's so hard to get people to constantly watch the boys for me for that AND 3 runs a week. But I did run 5.5 km today on the half way point of my program. I feel like I can really do it! Big confidence booster and enough to keep me trying and pleading for people to watch my boys in order for the big dream!
And I've finally turned a corner with the boys where I'm finding it actually easier to be by myself all day with them and not go crazy! Ozzy is in the exersaucer now which is super fun to watch, he has conversations with all his toys, what a talker!! Eli is still abusing his brother but we're working on it. After asking advice and reading lots I think it's just that he doesn't know how to interact with him but he wants to so badly! So I know there will still be hard days but I'm finally feeling comfortable. Only took 3 months, not too bad!
Ozzy is such a wonderful little angel though, every time I look at him I feel blessed. He is so happy and chatting and so full of light. Wonderful addition to my awesome family!
Anyway, speaking of, he is hungry and I think I will take him to bed now. In bed before 9??? Oh well I'm tired enough to make that work! I had a long day of yoga teacher training and then a 5 km run today! Let's hope for the third night in a row of only up to feed once!!!
My sweet first born turned 2!! We had an amazing dinosaur party with all his friends and most of his family, Grandma and Grandpa He were unfortunately sick :(
My aunt and mom were amazing caterers, Double Baba Catering we called them. Eli and Ozzy both grew quite fond of their Baba Sue as we call her while she was visiting!
And on Thursday little Ozbert turned 3 months! For 11 days though I had a 2 year old and a 2 month old, hehe.
Updates:
I finally got an interview! It was an amazing job and I got offered it which was incredibly tempting but I had to decline it because it was full time, no budging. It would have been awesome though. I have thrown my resume at two more jobs this week, we'll see what happens. I really don't want to work at all though. It would be nice to have a little extra cash though.
I am learning to drive and doing well according to my patient, wonderful hubby! I'm hoping to be a full fledged 'N' driver by summer. It will be awesome to be able to drive by myself if I want to go to my mom's or drive the boys to the park, or go to kelowna with my bestie :)
Hubby has been working his new job in Kelowna which has him gone early, early but back at a decent time at least. Still 12 hour days aren't easy on him. At least he has his bestie to chat with on the way to and from.
My running took a tumble since Justin is back at work. I've missed one session but I am just having so much trouble finding time to do my runs. I'm teaching yoga 3 times a week for the next 3 weeks so it's so hard to get people to constantly watch the boys for me for that AND 3 runs a week. But I did run 5.5 km today on the half way point of my program. I feel like I can really do it! Big confidence booster and enough to keep me trying and pleading for people to watch my boys in order for the big dream!
And I've finally turned a corner with the boys where I'm finding it actually easier to be by myself all day with them and not go crazy! Ozzy is in the exersaucer now which is super fun to watch, he has conversations with all his toys, what a talker!! Eli is still abusing his brother but we're working on it. After asking advice and reading lots I think it's just that he doesn't know how to interact with him but he wants to so badly! So I know there will still be hard days but I'm finally feeling comfortable. Only took 3 months, not too bad!
Ozzy is such a wonderful little angel though, every time I look at him I feel blessed. He is so happy and chatting and so full of light. Wonderful addition to my awesome family!
Anyway, speaking of, he is hungry and I think I will take him to bed now. In bed before 9??? Oh well I'm tired enough to make that work! I had a long day of yoga teacher training and then a 5 km run today! Let's hope for the third night in a row of only up to feed once!!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
More mother guilt
It never feels like enough. That's mother's guilt. I'm feeling a little down. I feel like I don't have enough patience with Eli, I don't spend enough time with him. But I was up for hours with a coughing Ozzy last night. So I spent time researching coughing and when to worry, and worrying about Ozzy, comforting Ozzy today. Oh and then I have to plan my yoga classes for tomorrow and friday. And every time I think about something fun to do with my kids yoga I think why doesn't Eli get that type of attention from his mommy. Eli would like that game, why haven't I done it with Eli. I just feel poopy. That's the best word to describe it. I know "mama told me there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this mama said" but I still feel down and guilty. I always want to do more, be more. Stress is getting me down too. Bed now, hopefully tomorrow brings less guilt and brighter perspective.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
2012's swift kick in the behind
Well I'm beginning to think we have a bit of a curse when it comes to having babies and then Justin losing his job. Either that or these babies really put our life on the right track. At least this time it was a pretty mutual parting. So he is going to be taking some of that parental leave that I was not eligible for despite fighting so hard for it. I'm nervous but trusting our mortgage will get paid for somehow! I keep trying to manifest large deposits into our bank account, nothing yet but I will keep you posted!
Other than that I've been taking Eli to Gymboree which he LOVES! It tires him out good to have physical play like that. I've also been cooking which has been awesome! A couple recipes I've tried and some I've invented lately are:
Cabbage roll casserole (leftover cabbage rolls from Ukrainian Christmas with canned tomatoes, a white sauce and cheese baked)
Indian Spiced Black Eyed Peas (black eyed, quinoa, with onions, garlic, ginger, canned tomatoes and indian spices)
Burritos with homemade refried beans and leftover salad as filling (beans were cooked with canned tomatoes, salsa, chili powder, cumin and some chopped cilantro)
I just noticed some trends with those recipes:
1) Beans
2) Canned Tomatoes
3) Utilization of leftovers
When you are working with a smaller food budget you tend to use things from your cupboard like dried beans and your mom's delicious canned tomatoes. Also you find ways to transform leftovers into a new, delicious meal when you have kids and little time to make meals.
Lastly, I started my sun run clinic this morning. I really think by the end of it I will be able to do a 10 km! I'm sure I will do some walking but I will also do some running too! I am going to do two other runs a week too which are laid out for me in my sun run log book they give you. I'm really looking forward to it! I've always felt so good when I've been into running and I've been my slimmest. It's also so nice to have something that is just for me! Ozzy did really well, I fed him up good before I left and he made it to about 10:30 (so 2 hours). He can make it longer but he was in his carseat while Daddy took Eli to Gymboree so he was a little crankier, hence why I was impressed!
If anyone has any running advice for me or recipes using simple ingredients please let me know!
My tip for the day for you is when it comes to feeding wraps (ie Burritos) to toddlers. I had success with it at wrap zone but at home not so last night I tried rolling it in tin foil like they do there so he could hold all the goodness of the wrap together. It worked amazing. Just roll it up in tin foil and cut it in half. This has opened a new world of food! He had my homemade refried beans, quinoa, cheese, cucumbers, grated carrots and yogurt in his. And a fruit smoothie for dessert. Awesome!
Oh and a very happy big 3-0 to my hubby! Love you more each year hun! Our 30's are going to be even better than our 20's if you can believe it :)
Other than that I've been taking Eli to Gymboree which he LOVES! It tires him out good to have physical play like that. I've also been cooking which has been awesome! A couple recipes I've tried and some I've invented lately are:
Cabbage roll casserole (leftover cabbage rolls from Ukrainian Christmas with canned tomatoes, a white sauce and cheese baked)
Indian Spiced Black Eyed Peas (black eyed, quinoa, with onions, garlic, ginger, canned tomatoes and indian spices)
Burritos with homemade refried beans and leftover salad as filling (beans were cooked with canned tomatoes, salsa, chili powder, cumin and some chopped cilantro)
I just noticed some trends with those recipes:
1) Beans
2) Canned Tomatoes
3) Utilization of leftovers
When you are working with a smaller food budget you tend to use things from your cupboard like dried beans and your mom's delicious canned tomatoes. Also you find ways to transform leftovers into a new, delicious meal when you have kids and little time to make meals.
Lastly, I started my sun run clinic this morning. I really think by the end of it I will be able to do a 10 km! I'm sure I will do some walking but I will also do some running too! I am going to do two other runs a week too which are laid out for me in my sun run log book they give you. I'm really looking forward to it! I've always felt so good when I've been into running and I've been my slimmest. It's also so nice to have something that is just for me! Ozzy did really well, I fed him up good before I left and he made it to about 10:30 (so 2 hours). He can make it longer but he was in his carseat while Daddy took Eli to Gymboree so he was a little crankier, hence why I was impressed!
If anyone has any running advice for me or recipes using simple ingredients please let me know!
My tip for the day for you is when it comes to feeding wraps (ie Burritos) to toddlers. I had success with it at wrap zone but at home not so last night I tried rolling it in tin foil like they do there so he could hold all the goodness of the wrap together. It worked amazing. Just roll it up in tin foil and cut it in half. This has opened a new world of food! He had my homemade refried beans, quinoa, cheese, cucumbers, grated carrots and yogurt in his. And a fruit smoothie for dessert. Awesome!
Oh and a very happy big 3-0 to my hubby! Love you more each year hun! Our 30's are going to be even better than our 20's if you can believe it :)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wowza!
Time is going so quickly. Our second little guy was over 12 lbs at 6 weeks. And in a month my big guy is turning TWO! Wowza!
I was thinking the other day about how literally trivial the concept of time is. Every four years we have to invent a day to make the calender align with the system. Time is so irrelevant!
Ozzy seems to be cluster feeding a lot! I am getting poorer sleeps again which is disappointing. He also seems to be pretty cranky when he's awake and sometimes I feed him just because I'm not sure how to make him happy. He'll eat when he wakes up and have maybe 10 minutes of playtime and then be cranky for the rest of the hour and 40 minutes he's up. It's a little frustrating and I try lots of things but the only thing that cheers him up is good eats or standing and rocking him while holding him on his belly which I can't always do!
Despite a little crankiness I am SO in love with this little guy. His expressions (especially his mischievous grins) just melt my heart.
Hubby is in week two of yoga teacher training and this morning I was able to join them for a session and I brought little Oz. He was so good and it felt amazing to do some yoga (a hard kriya at that!) It felt good to push my body again. I'm feeling pretty good at 6.5 weeks post baby. Which is good because I start my sun run clinic this saturday!
Just like his brother at 6 weeks, Ozzy is holding his head so well and trying to bear weight on his legs, such a strong guy!
Nothing really new to report otherwise. Just felt like writing since I had the chance. It's too bad I don't have an excellent topic to discuss but nice to get a little typy-typy out.
I was thinking the other day about how literally trivial the concept of time is. Every four years we have to invent a day to make the calender align with the system. Time is so irrelevant!
Ozzy seems to be cluster feeding a lot! I am getting poorer sleeps again which is disappointing. He also seems to be pretty cranky when he's awake and sometimes I feed him just because I'm not sure how to make him happy. He'll eat when he wakes up and have maybe 10 minutes of playtime and then be cranky for the rest of the hour and 40 minutes he's up. It's a little frustrating and I try lots of things but the only thing that cheers him up is good eats or standing and rocking him while holding him on his belly which I can't always do!
Despite a little crankiness I am SO in love with this little guy. His expressions (especially his mischievous grins) just melt my heart.
Hubby is in week two of yoga teacher training and this morning I was able to join them for a session and I brought little Oz. He was so good and it felt amazing to do some yoga (a hard kriya at that!) It felt good to push my body again. I'm feeling pretty good at 6.5 weeks post baby. Which is good because I start my sun run clinic this saturday!
Just like his brother at 6 weeks, Ozzy is holding his head so well and trying to bear weight on his legs, such a strong guy!
Nothing really new to report otherwise. Just felt like writing since I had the chance. It's too bad I don't have an excellent topic to discuss but nice to get a little typy-typy out.
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