Rough Week

Well, it's been an interesting week for our family. My husband lost his job so we will both be on EI soon. He is quite happy overall though since he planned on making his part time self-employed job his full time job within two years. He is stoked he can concentrate on building his business now. I admire his enthusiasm and really want to support him but at the same time I can't help but be worried. We stretched ourselves so thin by buying a house and financing a new car (since ours was stolen and used as a down payment on the house). As it was I was planning on going back to work one day a week to pay for the car payment. So our agreement is he has a month and a half to see what he can do and if he can't make much he will get a full time job, if he can make a bit of money but not quite enough, he will get a part time job. It's weird how calm we are when these types of situations are thrown at us. I really do have faith and trust that everything is meant to happen. It's all just experiences but it is kind of a poor time for it all. 2 days short of Eli's first month on this side of the womb.

It's been amazing having him home all the time though. I really hope he can make this business work. He has so much fun doing it and I'd love him to be happy with what he's doing for a living and the flexibility it offers our family is amazing! It would also mean we could easily work out child minding without daycare once I'm back at work full time. So all in all a crazy up and down week for us.

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. It's hard in a way having Justin home and not working a 9 to 5 job in the fact that I feel like he should be helping more but I know he's working on making money just in a different way than before. Eli has been very clingy. He seems to only want mom. I feel bad for hubby because he only gets him when I need a break and he's all fussy. He says he's trying to be unattached from him to deal with the crying baby in his arms because of it and I think it's making things worse. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I sure hope it passes because he can't be always in mom's arms. And I cannot let him just cry in his cradle, that's just too heartbreaking and unnecessary as far as I'm concerned.

He's also been eating SO much again. He must be doing a huge growth spurt again. This is definitely taxing on my body and my sleep and mental health. I'm feeling depressed overall. I think I may be suffering from some post-partum blues. I'm just not feeling like doing anything. Just watching tv mostly. When I get a chance to leave the house I feel like I struggle back and forth whether I should go and most of the time I can make myself leave but it's definitely hard since it's safer and more familiar just to sit on the couch with Eli right next to me.

That's another thing that is confusing my husband, the fact that I can't wait to have a break but once I get it, it's really hard to give the little fellow up. I love him so much! Oh and I had another first moment the other day. It may sound bad that it took me over a month to feel this but I don't care, it was possibly just the first time I thought of it. I had my first "I LOVE being a mom" feeling. I was sitting on the couch watching tv, surprise surprise, and I had him on my chest, sleeping, and we were basically hugging. It was just amazing, I almost cried.

So these are a few of the things I've been dealing with this week. I think I might need to get out to a parents group or something. It'll be so great when my best friend finally has her baby. I'm hoping it'll be this week! She was due exactly two weeks after me and my due date finally rolled around yesterday so it should be anytime for her. So exciting!

Ok well I'm going to go for now, wish me luck in those baby blues!