When I started this blog I had to find a name for it that was not taken. I tried a few different names like yoga mommy etc., all of which were taken and then it came to me: Two plus how many? The two being hubby and I and the how many being how many kids are we going to have?
Around when we were getting married hubby wanted two and I wanted three.
Then we had one and we both thought let's have three for sure! A few months later hubby said let's have even more. I wasn't convinced.
Anyway I always had three in my head, even when one felt like a handful. This was especially true after we found out Ozzy was going to be a boy since I had previously had that baby spirit meditation where I met a little girl.
The next parts are hard to write, though I pride myself in being totally candid and not leaving out any of the dark, dirty details. This past week has been a difficult one. I'm not sure if it has something to do with Venus being so close but I have been feeling so depressed. Quite a few days I have wished to not be me. Quite often I felt out of control and totally impatient with my poor boys. My patting for burps on Ozzy would get way too hard when I just for the love of god want to get some sleep and he'd cry harder. Or just any time Eli would not listen to me I would fly off the handle and he would give me that look like, "I don't understand why I can't do anything right for you mommy." There were times when I could have just walked out the door. There were times when I thought just not being alive might be easier. The terrible two's can be pretty terrible. Especially when combined with a cluster-feeding teether.
At any rate I finally decided something that made me feel a lot better. I am done having kids, for now. I add the for now because I'm not entirely sure but I know that I can't have any more children until Eli gets a lot easier. A. Lot. Easier.
In some ways I find this realization crushing. I really want a girl. It goes without saying that I love my boys but for many reasons I still want a girl. I also feel like there's this little girl soul waiting out there for us.
I also feel relieved. I feel like I've built up our family as a family of five in my head. But a good friend of mine would agree that the ratio of arms to young children should been even and not exceeded. Quite often on the weekends a break for me is hubby taking one boy and me taking the other. I also think quality time with each child is important.
Some people will tell me I'm being silly but I feel like a terrible mom lately. If I can't be a good mom for 2 kids then I have no business having a third.
So I am coming to terms with the thought that maybe we are meant to be a family of four. Or maybe there needs to be a large gap between #2 and #3. Like at least 3 years.
For the longest time I was thinking the closer the better. I want to be done with diapers. My body also doesn't seem to be getting any younger or less sore. But I can't push another child (pun intended) into our world just because certain things might be easier on me if I did.
I remember the day my chiropractor said I was finally recovering from Eli's birth. It was the day I told him I was pregnant again. My poor body doesn't seem to do well pregnant or breastfeeding. I also feel like I need to get some resemblance of a life back. It was such a treat tonight when I didn't have to put Eli to bed. A night out with friends or a date night is so rare I barely feel like a person any more. All my stories begin with, "my son did.. or my son puked on me... or... well you get the picture.
And I am so bloody tired. I'm sure that has a ton to do with my short fuse and depression. But still.
Two plus how many? It's still a question as far as I'm concerned. But the pressure is off.
