2011 in a Nutshell

I did this last year and enjoyed my year in review post so much that I had to do it again.


I will start as I did last year with how we brought in the New Year... Justin and I were ridiculously sick with the stomach flu and the three of us just watching movies in the guest room (because that's where the tv was).  Not ideal but still we brought in our first new year as a family together.
January and February I spent on my minimalist journey to live with less stuff and finance Eli's RESP.  Also in February I found out a didn't have a job to go back to after maternity leave and scrambled to find something.  January was when Eli really started his hand-eye coordination and playing became really fun.  Also in February we celebrated Eli's first birthday in style with chocolate cupcakes and a group bath afterwards.
March I worked for Christine Duncan a notary and got laid off by the end of the month.  March is also when I found out about our miracle #2 on the way:  Ozzy!  
April, Eli decided to wean himself, whether I was ready or not!  I never thought I would take weaning so hard!  This was also when we all started sleeping through the night again.  I continued looking for work with no luck.  
May I worked a day for Elections Canada.  
June we attended our first Kundalini Yoga Immersion as a family, it was so exciting to let our little guy be a part of it and feel a part of our community again for myself.  June was so exciting for me because I started teaching a regular class at my favorite yoga studio Purple Lotus.  I also participated in an awesome yoga flash mob.  I was also blessed to be a bridesmaid for my wonderful friend Amanda, Eli was a ring bearer.  I also started working again for Christine Duncan.
July started out with my 10 year high school reunion.  In July we went to another good friend Jenn's wedding.  We also started looking at houses to move into with Justin's parents.  I also participated in a moving workshop for yoga about compassion which benefitted a family in need. July was also when Eli started climbing everything!
In August we committed to the house process and put our house up for sale.  I also helped with a week long workshop with my yoga mentor Mugs in Naramata.  What an amazing experience and taught me so much about teaching.  We also took Eli to his second PNE and had an amazing trip!  I believe this is when Eli got his molars (but not 100% sure).  He got his top molars before his second set of bottom teeth came in.  Weird.
September I was nearly working full time and not much else other than another amazing Kundalini Yoga Retreat with the family.
October was mainly spent at the chiropractor as he tried to hold my pregnant body together.  I took it real easy and had a pedicure, haircut and did maternity pictures.  Grandma and Grandpa He came into town to help take Eli trick or treating as the cutest little cow.  He also got his eye teeth.
November was spent being cranky and waiting for baby who finally showed up on November 23 at 11:37 am :)
Since then the year has been a bit of a haze.  We did the usual Harris Christmas lunch with my dad's family which was so much fun, we need to see them more than once a year!  Christmas eve and morning was spent with my parents and the boys were spoiled rotten by everyone.  It was a much more handmade Christmas due to money constraints but honestly I loved that.  My mom made Eli an apron for cooking and a cute tool case.  We're going to get my Dad working on a toddler bed for him in the new year.  Christmas Day and New Years eve were spent in Westbank with Justin's Dad's family which was a total blast and again the boys got spoiled rotten.  The only other news of December was that Eli started sleeping in his big boy bed (the crib side car-ed on our bed).  New Years Eve was welcomed by fireworks waking us all up but Eli. I gave Justin a kiss and then fed a now awake Ozzy who normally now sleeps 10-1 ish in his cradle.  And even though it was an hour earlier than normal I was still so happy.  2012 is going to be an amazing year, every year gets better.

As for resolutions, I had a baby in 2010 and 2011 but I wouldn't expect one in 2012!
My resolutions are a lot different than last years, much less specific.  Though I am proud that quite a few got accomplished, this year just feels like a different approach is needed.

My resolutions are:
*Let the universe solve our housing situation.
*Change my mindset to "we have the right amount of money" rather than keeping saying I need more.
*Keep parenting from the heart with my boys and really listening to them.
*Find time for myself, it's there, I know it.


Happy New Year everyone!  Reach for whatever you want in 2012, it's attainable!

I suck at this

So I still have yet to spend a full work day alone with my boys.  On Thursday I did an hour and a half in the morning alone and 2 hours in the afternoon alone.  They were both terrible and painful.  The afternoon portion I screamed so hard my vocal cords hurt that evening, I punched and kicked a wall, I locked myself in the bathroom, I repeatedly chanted "I suck at this" while crying at the kitchen table.

When people say that transitioning from one kid to two is hard, they are underestimating.  The word hard just doesn't seem to quite encompass the feelings you will go through.

I know it will get easier, you don't need to remind me.

I also know I don't really "suck at this" and I'm not the "worst mother in the world".

But when your toddler has been screaming for close to two hours with barely even minutes between tantrums it's really easy to think these things.

Ozzy is sleeping less on his own.  He wouldn't take a soother at all up until yesterday and now he will take it briefly before spitting it out.  Progress!

We are also trying to get him to sleep on his own more by getting him full and cozy then putting him down to sleep and if he fusses a bit we'll leave him.  If it turns into crying we pick him up for a cuddle and some love and then after a few minutes try putting him down again.  It's working well actually.

My back doesn't love carrying him around all day so that is the other option considering I still have a toddler to play with and take care of.  

I'm actually going in to do some work tomorrow at my old job.  They need some help with catch up and we could really use the money!  I've embarked on an adventure that I've always wanted to do.  The money would probably be better spent on groceries considering money is so tight but this is the first time the timing has felt right.  I am going to do the Vancouver Sun Run!  I know it's only 10 km but I'm really excited about it!  I've always felt the healthiest when I run (not to mention the slimmest).  I find running very meditative as well.  In the past when I've wanted to train to do the Sun Run I have been advised not to by a health professional, or had an injury, or been pregnant.  This time I'm good to go!  I'm going to do the clinic (hence the cost) because I feel I need that weekly commitment to get me to go the distance, also to help me so I train gradually and don't hurt myself.  I'm wondering if they expect me to train outside of once a week because that may prove more difficult.  One thing I've been realizing is that it's bloody cold outside!  But I start in 5 weeks!  I think I am most excited because this is something all for me.

I've also signed Eli and I up for a couple cheap courses through the community centre to have some special Eli and Mommy time.  I'm really looking forward to the new year.  I was really nervous to have a baby during the coldest months of the year when walking isn't always an option to get out of the house.  But I probably spent as much on decaf ice coffees on those walks as I will on these programs anyway.

2012 is going to be a big year though.  I have to finish my yoga training by the end of the year so I need to do my specialty project and practicum, practical exam and written exam to finish that.  I also want to teach 2 yoga classes a week.  I'm also going to be working here and there.  With Sun Run training and my Eli & Mommy time that will be a full schedule.

Well my mommy is over helping and I had to steal this opportunity to blog.  Baby is still sleeping so I think I will also try and eat!  Life is good, I love my family!  I don't suck at this, I just need practice.

Gulp

My hubby goes back to work on Wednesday.  That is 2.5 days from now.  My my how 2 weeks can fly by.
I'll be honest, I'm pretty frightened to do this on my own.  I know I'll be ok, like no one will die or anything, I'm mostly worried about my sanity.  The hardest thing I do in a day is get Eli down for a nap or down for bed at night.  He has been so cranky lately.  I know it has a lot to do with sharing mommy (and especially sharing Baba, he won't even let her hold Ozzy) but it's to the point of tantrums all day.  Before food, after food, resisting naps, resisting bed, resisting diaper changes.  It's exhausting for me to deal with and I have my hubby taking care of baby while I do it (or vice versa).  
My friend going through a similar situation just 3-4 weeks ahead of me posted an article today summing up toddler tantrums in three ways, tired, hungry, or needing to run around, preferably outside.  
I know he's not getting enough sleep.  Sleep sharing with both is not the problem, Ozzy barely makes any noise.  But we can't seem to get Eli to sleep before 10:00-10:30pm and that's with fighting.  Then he's up with me and Ozzy at 6:30-7am.  And naps have been horrible.  A fight all the way.  Today finally worked, he fell asleep at 11:45 and woke up about a half hour later so I went and lied down with him and just brought sleeping Ozzy and we all slept until 1:30pm.  But he was still cranky and tantrum-y all evening.
So food.  He did eat a lot of junk today, we had a meet and greet for Ozzy where he ate cookies, popcorn, chips, and some fruit.  Maybe he's getting too much sugar?  
I took him for about a 20 minute walk today which was nice.  I'm going to try and get him out every day for some fresh air though I know this will get harder as it gets colder with winter.  
I think Eli is the kind of child that does really well with a routine and obviously that has been turned upside down.  He has a new brother, his dad has been home, we've had visitors and parties.  So I am working on a routine for once Daddy is back at work.


Morning routine - which includes diaper changes, getting dressed, and Eli and I having our special drinks (Univera)
Breakfast
Sesame street (or at least Elmo's World because Eli LOVES Elmo)
Walk
Lunch
Nap
Playtime and/or Baking or helping with dinner somehow
Dinner
Playtime
Bath
Books!
Brush Teeth
Bed


All I know is I can't keep handling meltdowns every time he needs to nap, sleep, leave Grandma's, get out of the bath, stop eating etc. etc.


This is not easy, but I didn't expect it to be. Parenting is so in the moment, ever-changing and evolving.

The story of Ozzy

The story of Ozzy:  (A possible TMI for the faint of heart)


On Tuesday night I was really cranky.  I told baby it was time, I'd had enough.  Then when we got home from picking up Eli from my parents after yoga, I wrote on our whiteboard "Honey Do List" - "HAVE BABY".  A task that I was able to cross off the very next morning.  
At yoga that Tuesday night my yoga teacher was teaching a kriya to clear the sub-conscious mind.  He looked directly at me and said "this is what your baby is waiting for."  I said in return, "ok, I will hold you to that.  I better have this boy tomorrow."  Then I did the kriya with all my heart, soul and intention.  


At 4:45am I had a very uncomfortable contraction, and more came every about 15 minutes. I was not convinced.  They got closer together but stayed the same pain level but they were every 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, so I was really unconvinced.  But still something told me to page my midwife just from how uncomfortable I was.  Suzanne was attending a birth in Kelowna but said she'd have Aly call me shortly.  A half hour later Aly called me and offered to check me before she went in to clinic even though my contractions were leveling off at 10 mins apart.
I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me I was 4-5 cm at 8:30am.  It's actually happening!!!!!  I had a shower and called in my team and they were all here within about 40 minutes.  We sat around and chatted for about an hour and at 10:30 my contractions were getting very intense, much more intense than with Eli.  By 11am I was 9cm dilated and I moved to my birthing room where I leaned on the ball on my knees with Erin and Justin massaging my back, Fateh taking pictures, my mom feeding Eli lunch in the kitchen. 




Then I needed to go to the bathroom and that was where my body needed to start pushing. So in the tiniest room in my entire house I hung off Justin's shoulders and pushed, Aly and Suzanne squished against the sink, Erin in the bathtub, Fateh in the doorway documenting it all.  Eli still eating blissfully in the kitchen.  Finally my midwives brought in the birthing stool since holding my weight was wearing on Justin and 2-3 pushes later, Erin brushing back my hair, Justin and Aly caught little Ozzy.  My placenta put the icing on the cake by surprising everyone 20 seconds later.  I got to hold my little man immediately but he was a little blue so they took him for some oxygen which did the trick.  

On the way by Eli got his first look at his little brother and has been smitten every since giving him as many kisses as we allow.


After some stitching I was good as new and Erin helped me remember how to breastfeed, Fateh took care of everyone feeding toast and tea, Justin took amazing care of me and my mom gave Eli his big brother gift which he played with delightfully.

Let me just say this right now I love my birth team, every person there was so valuable to me in their own special way and I am so lucky.  Thank you birth team you made this perfect for me.
It was truly perfect and everything I could have hoped for though more pain than I remembered but definitely still tolerable.

Ozzy weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was 21.25 inches.  He took to feeding immediately and is sleeping pretty well.  We are a little concerned with jaundice currently so it's been difficult getting him to stay awake for the 15 minutes minimum suggested by my midwives.  So I am hoping we can de-yellow him quickly and will not need any heat lamp assistance.


Other than that nursing is as painful as I remember which is too bad.  I have had lots of help from my mom in law and Justin's family.  I am definitely nervous about when I have to do this all on my own but am trying not to think about it and am just concentrating on healing right now.  Luckily the after pains are going away (ouch!).  It's true, they are worse the second time!!  


I am feeling very blessed with my family right now!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!


And so begins my second year of confessions of a new mom.  I truly feel like a new mom all over again, especially after that completely different pregnancy and birth.

Patience

Who knew?  Who could have guessed after having a baby at 35.5 weeks and worrying the crap out of everyone that this time around I would be writing about patience at 39 weeks 2 (nearly 3) days.
I am getting very impatient though.  I am uncomfortable, not so much in my body, though that has seemed to start last night with the backache, feet and legs and hips hurting, it's the nights of contracting that are getting to me!
The first was the night before Halloween, and since then about every 3-4 days I will go through an hour or two (or three) of fairly regular contractions that of course happen in during sleeping time.  I had my worst round yet last night, I swore I was in labour.  They were more intense than I had experienced before and accompanied by nausea and back pain and lots of cramping.  But sure enough I couldn't find a regular pattern in them and after 2 hours they stopped.
I've heard my chiropractor say a few times now "we'll make the appointment for (insert date here), but you'll never make it!"  It hurts to go to the appointment, I feel so frustrated!  Last time he said well it sounds like your body has done the majority of the work already so it'll pretty much be a "one-push birth".  That sounds exciting and scary at the same time.
I'm also beginning to get worried about how big this baby is getting.  I know everyone keeps saying don't think about it but come on!  All I have time to do is think!  Eli was 6.5 lbs at 35.5 weeks, second babies are heavier, and every week for the last four or so they gain .5 lb... so by my calculation I have a 9 lb baby waiting to come out right now.  *GULP
It's the emotional part that is throwing me for a loop, this on again off again contracting, is this it?  Is THIS it?  Is this IT?  IS THIS IT?????!
I"m getting a contraction right now... baby if you can hear me... is this it????!
I know in many, many ways I'm very lucky to be this comfortable overall at this point in pregnancy.  I just can't believe that someone as verbally expressive in the "no two labours/pregnancies/babies are alike" field, could have possibly convinced myself that this baby would be early too.  I feel foolish in a lot of ways.
Oh and what is with this heartburn?  My midwife said and I quote "women labour for hours to get baby's head this low", so why no heartburn relief???  I guess I just have no torso.
Well likely I have sufficiently complained enough to last me the rest of the pregnancy, so probably enough pity partying.  I'm really hoping that the next time I am blogging I have a beautiful, peaceful birth story and a million pictures of my new little man to share.  But after the last 3 WEEKS of fake contractions, I'm sure not holding my breath.  Maybe baby wants to be a Sagittarius.... maybe baby wants a nicer birthstone than my yellow topaz... at any rate, baby is not here yet.
Soon I will meet you baby.  Not to sound ominous but your days are numbered.  And I can't wait  =-)

Sacrifice

Sacrifice is not a word I'm fond of but I've been thinking about a mother's sacrifice a lot lately.  What we put our body's through being pregnant, what we go through in the birthing process and then how our body remains this alien vessel of not quite feeling like yours during milk production.  If you have 3 kids and breast feed between all kids, in reality there could be a 10 year period where your body is on loan if you have 3 kids like we want.


And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned.  You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.


My husband works a lot.  Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that.  But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son.  It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant.  So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no.  Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy!  Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.


I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way.  I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see.  Then it's like a week before and it's happening.  To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore.  By 7pm I'm cranky and tired.  Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy.  I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing?  Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice.  I would give anything to be able to be at that training too.  He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.  


So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice.  I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget.  Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding.  I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did.  I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift.  And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice.  Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.

I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers.  Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them.  It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish.  So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time.  I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes.  I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.


I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am.  It is very interesting being this pregnant.  Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work.  This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month.  It's definitely unnerving.  But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards.  I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.


We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over.  I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.


I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women.  I really am not suffering much.  I just wonder what last nights practice session was about.  Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week.  Is baby preparing?  I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!


Thanks for listening virtual world!  Maybe I can sleep now!

Fulfillment: four letter word or just tricky to spell?

Hello friends,

I have been thinking a lot lately about fulfillment in my life.  Ever since i have been off work especially.  Some days I think is this my life?  Such routine!  Wake up, shower, change baby, feed baby, walk some netflix, change baby, feed baby, have a nap with baby, change baby feed baby watch some netflix.  Granted sometimes we go for a walk if it's nice.  And Eli has been sick lately so I haven't wanted to do much baking with him, having to constantly wipe his nose and such.

But what really do I have better to be doing?  I mean it's not like I have the ability to fight crime.  At work I was simply doing final reports and discharging paid off mortgages off of people's house titles.  Was that more fulfilling of a routine than change, feed, nap, netflix?  Nope, just a different routine.  

It's hard not to get caught up in what you "should" be doing or think that what you are doing every day is not valuable.

Last night I held Eli while he slept through most of a movie and it was the best I've felt in weeks.  That's gotta mean I'm on the right track right?  

I am truly trying to enjoy these last weeks with just me and Eli.  I have been starting to have crazy Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time and feeling weird just in general.  I am definitely ready for a premature birth again, the house is all set up.  I even brought the baby swing up this morning.  Eli enjoyed spinning the mobile but drew the line when I suggested we put teddy in it to swing.

I've also noticed Eli clinging to Daddy a little more than usual which is neat and maybe some preparation on Eli's part to welcome baby.  Sharing mom will definitely be a new experience for him.

Another thing I am quite excited about is my maternity photos which I actually got to get this time!  We did a bunch with me in yoga poses and some with the whole family in an apple orchard.  They are just beautiful!  I'm so blessed to know such a wonderful photographer:  Kelly Lindsey Photography

I'm happy I feel ready this time, but I will feel good about going full term if it's meant to happen this time.  As I said above I feel strange and my Braxton-Hicks contractions are bad but other than that I feel pretty darn good.  My body is a little achy but not too bad.  I just have to avoid walking which is hard when you feel cooped up and need some fresh air.  I'm trying everything I can to keep this one in though.  We'll see if I still feel that way in 6 weeks, hehe.

So to sum up, I've decided I'm living a very fulfilled life right now.  I think people get too caught up in comparing lives with others, this is my life at this moment and raising kids is pretty darn important in the grand scheme of things.  The occupation of mom has always been there, what other jobs can say that?

Be prepared

I thought this title was appropraite due the re-release of The Lion King so recently and my topic of discussion today:  preparation.

I've had a tough past couple of days worrying.  I don't usually consider myself a worry-ier and try to avoid the practice completely but there is just something about pregnancy that takes over my mind sometimes and throws me into total panic mode.

I think it has something to do with the immense responsibility you feel as a mother carrying a baby, growing a baby.  You are the only one essentially taking care of this baby or even in tune with what is going on with baby so if anything were to go wrong, you would blame yourself. 

On Sunday night I felt baby drop into my pelvis.  That was about 31 weeks 2 days and at my midwife appointment yesterday, my midwife confirmed that yes I was correct.  I thought back to my other little guy dropping at 32 weeks and being born at 35.5 weeks and from that second on, every stretch, pain, kick, punch, or general feeling made me go "Oh my god!  Am I in labour?  Is this baby coming even earlier than my first?"

I literally worried myself sick last night to the point of nausea.  Then I had a good cry on my husband's shoulder.  He played a real good rock for me last night.  As much as I know all these things already like there's really nothing I can do about the circumstances and that everything will unfold how it's supposed to and that I'm not doing anything to cause my baby to be born early and/or unhealthy, sometimes you need to hear it from another source.  Not from your crazy pregnant brain.

Tomorrow is my last day of work.  Part of me is so exhausted and wants no responsibility anymore and part of me thinks what if I go to term and am bored for two months?  Another less proud part of me worries I'm not going to transition back to full time mom well, especially being so tired and cranky.  But I know this is the time to stop and that's just it. 

I am packing my hospital bag this weekend, just in case.  That will make me feel good just to have a bag with a nursing bra, post pregnancy clothes, and a couple cute onesies, diapers, soothers, and hats for new little guy.  Then I'm going to finish prepping diapers, try and sell my single stroller, and go through all the clothes I have and have been given and launder them.  You know, nest.  Like I didn't get a chance to last time.

So I'm just looking at basic all round preparation of my life and some preparation in my head of having two wonderful little boys in my care.

Like any Mom I am already struggling with the how to keep me alive, my identity other than "Mommy".  I'm hoping to try baking with Eli which will be a messy but fun endeavour.  I also want to do some painting, again messy but fun.  Maybe that's the theme of life, messy but fun, hehe.

Anyway, help me pray for little one to sit cozy in my pelvis for another 5 weeks 2 days or more :D

pregnant and homeless?

So lately we've actually had some good feedback on our house. The house we liked very much's owner decided she would be open to trading houses. Of course the deal she offered was not at all in our favor and we were going to counter and then our budget changed... A little frustrating. I could really see us living in that house, it was the only one that felt like a home so far.

Anyway then we get about two hours notice yesterday for a viewing which we accommodate by getting my dear sweet mother to evacuate our house while babysitting Little E, oh and could you hang all my laundry and make my bed before you leave btw?? And they put us on their short list and wanted to see it again this morning! Apparently we are in their top two they are just waiting for some kind of input from the guy's father. So now it's a waiting game, though I feel very optimistic. I said it would take 36 days to sell our house and it has now been 34. Plus we just spent the weekend at an amazing yoga immersion. Everything seems easier after we go to one of them. In fact it was the wednesday after we got back from my first immersion that I found this house which was exactly what I was trying to manifest.

The problem remaining with all of this is that we have no place to move into. We don't even have a possibility at this point. I am now 29 weeks pregnant. Last time we moved I was 34 weeks pregnant and a week and a half later pop! Out came Eli.

I'm starting to feel really nervous about early labor again. I know stressing about it won't help stop it that's for sure but I can't seem to help it. So much is going on and then I keep looking for signs because I want to be ready but then am I just creating false signs? Two nights ago I almost convinced myself that my water broke. Seeing as there was no gush of fluid afterwards, reality sunk in that it was just me worrying too much.

I can't believe how hard it is to work 3 full days a week, take care of an 19 month old, keep your house clean for showings all while your husband works 60 hours a week. Oh and be PREGNANT AND TIRED! Who's idea was this?

I'm definitely having heart burn, thank goodness for Univera's Aloe Gold, pretty much instant relief. I am having body pain every where. I am running out of room in my short torso and looking forward to baby dropping which I think happened around 32 weeks with Eli. So other than massive fear of early labor and body pain I'm coping quite well, not really any huge complaints. I just kind of wish I could have an idea where and when I can nest. I'm getting those urges and I just feel unsettled.

I think I'm buying a double stroller tomorrow. I really hope it works out. I've been struggling over this purchase for 7 months now. I thought I wanted a Phil and Ted's but then I heard they are not the best quality, especially in the wheels. Plus I can't find one cheap enough used. Then I thought maybe a BOB but I remembered how much I didn't like it at the store (the single) and how it won't fit through doorways. Then I thought ok I'll get one with the little hitchhiker on the back but they don't come with air filled tires and when you walk as much as I do that just blows. I kept thinking man I love my valco I don't want to give it up, maybe I'll just wear one baby and keep my valco, but I see the issues with that, the main one being that will only work for like a year. Then I saw a double valco for sale used. The woman claims it fits through her front door and all standard doors at 33 inches wide. It's even the same color as my valco, it's just double the goodness. I have never regretted buying my valco for an instant. Yes it was expensive but it was paid for by the end of Eli's second month with how much walking I did with it. So why wouldn't I just get the bigger version. PLUS, this is a newer model than mine (only 9 months old) and you can buy the hitchhiker attachment for a child to stand on the back so really it will even work with a third child. Gold. I'm very excited.

I also want to buy my cloth diapers (3 sets of the Bum Genius Flip's) tomorrow, which we can't really afford but I think I'm just dying to start getting ready and I can't do anything at home so this is as good as it gets. Then maybe I can feel a little closer to this little babe coming.

I'm so excited to meet this little person! I'm also nervous that I'm forgetting all the really hard parts about having a newborn and baby. The sleepless nights, the no time to yourself, the constant dependency. Plus I have Eli's needs this time. I know it'll all be great though, Eli is such a great help and will be an amazing big brother.

Anyway I think I need to get some sleep now, I didn't plan on writing this much but here I am. Yoga lesson plans will just have to wait until another day I suppose.

It's a ..........

Well now that I actually got you to my blog. I feel the need to write something super insightful before I announce which color bow we'll be having. Unfortunately, I didn't really have a topic in mind for today's post....

I sometimes come on here just to let creative juices flow, other times I'm peeved about something and there are also times I'm genuinely asking for help from those more experience than me. Today is a creative juices day.

I've been letting things in my life unfold again. I promised my midwives I would not move this pregnancy and it's looking like I may have to break this promise. As much as I really don't want to move right now it's looking so desirable on so many fronts. We are looking at purchasing a house with my hubby's parents since they are looking to move into town. We can't afford our current house/mortgage and they can't seem to find a space they can afford on their own so both families would benefit. I found a beautiful house where we'd each have our own floor and plenty of space in an affordable price range for us. We're all going to look at it tomorrow and here's hoping everyone's on board. The only thing I was worried about was selling our house and a possible huge pre-payment penalty on our mortgage. Luckily, it's not huge and we've already thought of a few possible people who may want to buy it. The universe is giving us a lot of signs, it's time to move. I guess because I have been asking for more money with no more work by me considering I want to take another year of maternity (unpaid of course since I've accumulated no EI). So I'm paying attention to these signs. You can't always get what you want in a work-free, silver lined platter, sometimes you have to look a little deeper into your circumstances to see how the universe is trying to help you. I'll keep you posted!

Other than body aches and still some tiredness, I feel great. I'm so happy to be pregnant. I've been getting some more cravings here and there which make me grumpy when I can't indulge but that's ok. I'm definitely tired of living off an allowance, especially in the summer. There are so many things we'd like to do, and so many evenings where I just plain don't want to cook, dammit! Character building I suppose.

Ok I will not hold you in suspense any longer. Eli is going to have a little brother. Yup another little winky on the way for this family :D I was kind of suspicious since my first ultrasound but still held some hope it was a girl. Don't get me wrong I'm not disappointed, it's just I really do want one of each and that would have assured us one of each. I'm delighted to raise to boys so close age. And I really did want two boys and a girl. And at the beginning of this pregnancy I told Justin, this is not my last pregnancy, I can't stop at two, so we are not planning on three JUST because we have two boys, I'm just not done having kids yet.

It's driven off some of my cravings to shop for more clothes. I do want a pair of padraig slippers for the new babe since Eli will still fit his this winter since we bought them so large. And I would like him to have his own first outfit. I thought about putting him Eli's "going home from the hospital" outfit as his first, though hopefully he'll be born at home, but then I realized I wanted to hand that down to Eli to give to his kids, and so the new baby we'll need his own first outfit to hand down. But overall, it'll be nice to use mostly the same clothes (they'll be about 3 months off so hopefully they will all fit at the right times of year). We'll see I guess. Very exciting stuff!

The Family Bed

Hello again. Another crummy, rainy summer day in Penticton brings me to my blog today. We have been having an unusually sucky summer this year. But anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about the family bed. Mainly because it seems to be everyone's favorite question lately: what are you going to do when the new baby comes because you co-sleep?

I love co-sleeping. It allows so many things, easy nursing and more sleep in the early months, and as the child gets older it allows longer periods waking up in bed because baby has you right there and doesn't wake up alone and immediately want out of his crib. Also closeness if I've had to be away for a large part of the day, lots of hugs and cuddles readily available.

It comes with a few drawbacks of course. Eli does not sleep as long (hour tops usually) on his own, which can make naps a challenge. And I have such a small portion of the bed when I wake up in the morning which has become increasingly more apparent as I get larger and more uncomfortable in this pregnancy.

Still I'm not sure I feel ready to give it up.

It definitely feels like the time to start transitioning Eli if we are ever going to do it. We still have at least 3 months before baby arrives which should be sufficient time to wean him into a bed.

I would love to continue to co-sleep actually, the family bed I find quite satisfying and comfortable, but I have a few concerns. I'm concerned Eli won't give up his spot in the middle of the bed because ideally he should sleep on the other side of Dad so I can switch baby back and forth from side to side depending on which side needs nursing. It seems only my hair puts him back to sleep and the night spent away from him he and Dad did not fair as best they could on the sleep front. But my main concern is the new baby waking Eli up and him getting poor sleeps and being cranky all day. Eli is such a concerned child as it is and usually cries when other kids cry.

I have a plan on how I will wean Eli to a bed. A bed in our room to start and keep putting him back when he falls asleep, though that to me seems tedious and like less sleep which I really don't need right now. Then when he's used to that we move him just out into our "nook" which with our bedroom door open is pretty much just a continuation of our room so he'd even be able to see us still. The problem with this is, he'd still be able to hear baby cry no doubt. But our other bedroom options are on the other end of the house and that is too far away.

Now here are my possible plans to continue co-sleeping. #1: Get a bassinet for baby, though I would still have to wake up to bring baby into bed and manage to remember to put baby back when they are done eating which with Eli could be up to 45 minutes in the beginning. #2: Use the crib as a side car to the bed for the baby but then again on one side I would have to stay awake to put baby back on the correct side when done eating.

#3: Poses the same problem as #2 but involves buying a twin bed to put next to me so Eli can be on that side of me but then I'd just have to remember to put baby back on the opposite side. #4: Requires a little more work with adding a twin next to Dad's side of the bed because then Eli would have to get used to sleeping just next to Dad.

What do you think? Anyone have any experiences to share with me?

We are so blessed

Normally Extreme Home Makeover is not a show I like to watch. My parents both really like it and yesterday when we were over at my parents and Eli was asleep on me on the couch, I traded the right to veto watching Extreme Home Makeover in exchange for two of my mom's ginger snap cookies. Now the cookies were excellent but I have to say watching this particular episode really changed a part of me for the better.

I'll give you a little backstory on how my mood has been lately just to give you an idea the size of my epiphany. I have been depressed, especially with regard to money. I've been back at work 8-15 hours a week to help out during the busy summer conveyancing. I've been really tired too so some days have been a struggle to be super mom, you know her right? The mom that can literally do everything, go to work and come home with enough energy to cook, clean and play with her kids. Ok I wasn't even getting close to super mom, I'll be honest.

But upon looking at our budget for the month I realized I actually don't know how we would have paid our bills this month if I hadn't been working. Our money situation is so odd, I do the budget and I know exactly how much money is coming in and out and it's the same every month and yet some months we have more and this month we were not even close to making it. I did August's numbers and at one point we are -$941. Yup in the red for almost a thousand dollars. And I'm not able to use our savings and pay it back later like I usually do because we had to pay our property taxes... bye bye savings!

So we've been discussing options, maybe renting our house and renting ourselves something cheaper, discontinuing my cell phone, cutting internet, maybe getting Justin's parents to buy our house. Basically any way to cut back. And our food budget is already just $80 a week and it's not stretching out to how much fresh beautiful produce we want to buy at the farmer's market so that's been feeling depressing. Then our friends will want to all order pizza and we either come on charity or don't go. And forget about those nights that I don't want to cook, eating out isn't in the budget. As for personal money we both get $20 a week and I'm so torn whether to get a latte or try and save for something bigger. So basically just feeling really sorry for myself and our situation.

So this week on Extreme Home Makeover they made over a family home of a family who had less in their pantry than we do (and we don't have much) and had basically an unlivable home (ie heat only in one room). If that's not enough to make you feel blessed this family feeds 1200 kids a day from their kitchen because these children are going hungry otherwise. Their living room furniture they gave away to someone who needed it not that it matters because their living room is overrun with donation boxes of clothes, toys, etc.

One word comes to mind and has been such a strong theme for me this past week: compassion. I need to have more of it. I need to bring more of it into my life. I literally NEED to. I'm so drawn to helping and it's not too surprising considering the first name of my spiritual name is seva or selfless service. I just feel overwhelmed where to even begin. Volunteer? Start a new initiative? I am already quite overwhelmed with my own responsibilities so I think the key is just little things to start. Fortunately this coming Saturday I get to be apart of something really special at the yoga studio I teach at Purple Lotus Yoga. They are having a "Yoga of Compassion" workshop and all the teachers get to teach for about 15 minutes out of a two hour workshop and it's all by donation to a family that really needs the help. I think that is the key to being successful in life, compassion. Money doesn't measure your greatness or happiness it's how you spend your time, your actions of compassion to others. Just another lesson from the universe to just trust that as long as I am doing things that feel right to my heart and my soul, I will be taken care of.

How are you feeling blessed today?

Feeling hot... hot... hot at 122 days

Two extremely busy months have passed. But the funny part is that it's now officially summer, by the thermometers at least, and I pretty much have no more plans. It's kind of spectacular. Generally I have a busy July but this time June took the brunt of it for some reason. So now I am assisting at a yoga camp for mornings of the first week in August and other than that our yearly PNE trip. Oh and of course September long weekend which doesn't always seem like summer to me but really is we are doing another Lumby Kundalini Yoga Immersion. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before on here but we went to one in June and words cannot express how amazing it was. To be surrounded with 20 other yogis one of which is your husband and another which is your son is just priceless. We just took turns watching him and doing yoga and when we watched Eli we had naps on the lawn next to our tent and looked for squirrels. Next time I'll be sure to bring all our bathing suits for the salt water pool. It's always so hard to leave though, I have such a desire to live with people who have the same lifestyle and values as me.

So my other Eli news is that he is climbing EVERYTHING! I come into the room and he is on the top of the couch trying to reach pictures hung on the wall or he's crawling across the dining room table. What a monkey! Oh and I spent my first night away from him. It was tough but we worked through it! Once he was weaned it was only a matter of time before we needed to at least try. And I had a teacher training full weekend for once so i decided to just go for it. He was sick and teething though so didn't handle it the best he could and I was a little lonely and sad not to be woken up to his smiley face.

Onto baby #2. Yesterday was our 120 day celebration (which was actually at 121 days but who's counting). So in Kundalini Yoga at 120 days past conception the soul is fixed in the body. It starts to be subject to the forces of the earth and the energy of the parents. This is also when the mother can start reformatting the baby's karma and start forming the personality of the child even. Big day! It also means that this upcoming Friday I'm at 20 weeks, what many people call the official half way point.

On to some other interesting facts about this pregnancy. I felt my first kick at 1 day shy of 14 weeks, very early but it was definitely a kick. I was laughing so hard at the movie Bridesmaids that baby decided to give me a boot. We heard the heartbeat the next day for the first time which was awesome. The first time Justin felt the baby kick was last week I believe so just over 18 weeks. It's again a very active baby, lots of kicking and rolling over. I have another ultrasound tomorrow and I'm going to see if they will tell me the gender, you never know. I am very certain I want to know, I don't think it will ruin anything for me. Instead I think it will increase the bond in the last half of my pregnancy and especially just after birth. They are not supposed to tell you in town though so I may have troubles finding out.

The only other weird things are that I keep gaining and losing the same couple of pounds so I've really had no weight gain to date at the half way point. I think I'm likely just not eating enough but I'm keeping a food diary and we'll see what my midwives have to say at my next appointment.

I've also been much more tired this time around. I think lately though it's because I also have many more body aches. Past about 4am I have so much trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep in that I end up tossing and turning a lot. My hips and back are just not happy with me.

Ok so I've covered the basics the only other thing to report is I've been working here and there in an office environment just to make a little extra money. It's 8 hours a week and a nice break getting out of the house but not having to miss too much time with my little man. And the veggies and fruits at the Farmer's Market are finally beginning to show up at Farmer's Market so I'm finding myself back in the kitchen and excited about it! I bought a bunch of tiny zucchini's and just sauteed them in sesame oil and garlic, added a few green onions and fresh peas and served over quinoa for dinner with a plate of fresh cucumber and tomato slices on the side. Delicious! Also I've been finding the best strawberries lately, I'm so addicted!!

Well I think it's time for me to start tossing and turning, I mean sleeping, so I will bid you goodnight! Looking forward to posting again soon!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day all you beautiful special Mother's out there! And especially Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful Mother! You are seriously the best Mother I could ever ask for and every day you help me and teach me and inspire me. I am so blessed!

I had yet another wonderful reminder of how trusting the universe brings the most amazing, perfect results to your life. On Thursday it was my 2nd week in a row with only one attendee at my yoga class. I partial blame the sun but I mostly blame HOCKEY! Why oh why does there always have to be a Canucks playoff game the nights I teach yoga? Isn't it supposed to be every 2nd day? I am going to get a little off topic by saying I do not have to like hockey in order to be Canadian. As far as I'm concerned you are more than welcome to love or hate hockey, it makes no difference to patriotism or how much I like you as a person. Back to yoga! So I talked with my boss I guess? She's the one who coordinates all the classes. And we mutually decided that as of May long weekend my class is no more. We will revisit in fall but I will be quite pregnant by then so I doubt I will want to be starting up a class I can't see through. So I was sad that was ending up I was not in the least bit worried letting it go.

So then yesterday was the first Farmer's Market of the season! YAY! And the owner of Purple Lotus studio who I have been subbing for off and on approaches me and asks me if I would like to start up a class there in June. Closing a door opens a new one! Never be afraid to close a door! You'll know if it's not working and if it's not then close that door. Another one is just waiting to be opened!

So again Happy Mother's Day! I am so blessed to be a Mommy! And my favorite part is my morning cuddles with my little guy when he's all smiley and snuggly. What's your favorite thing about being a Mom?

Writing for money

A good friend of mine emailed me about a month or two ago about my job troubles. She gave me some really good advice, she said I love reading your blog, you're a really good writer, have you thought about trying to write for a living? And I had, back in elementary school and middle school. Well more in middle school I guess seeing as though in elementary school I just assumed "what you wanted to be when you grew up" was more for the fun of it than to make money. But I even wrote Writer under Future Occupation in my Grade 10 year book. But as soon as I got into college and got into the world of writing papers and having no idea where this degree was heading I suppose I lost sight of my love for writing.

So I am pleased to announce that after a chance encounter once and one email sent, so very, very little effort on my part, I am having an article published in the newest Okanagan magazine called Next. It's all about sustainability centred in the Okanagan. So I pitched an article about Cloth Diapers and they loved it. If this goes well I'm thinking of asking if they would like a regular "Green Mom" column because I would be happy to do that. I have no shortage of ideas for columns. If Mothering magazine was around still I would maybe pitch an article to them too. I was also thinking local newspapers could use a Mom column, but we'll see how this venture goes first.

My other news is my facebook break. Maybe it was the energy spent Green Campaigning, maybe it's Stanley Cup Playoffs and the play by plays of the game that get posted on my news feed (just so ya know, if I wanted to know everything that happened in the game I would just watch it), at any rate I felt done with facebook. I think overall it was just how I seem to get lost in facebook. I use it as an escape from things I don't want to be present for, especially, for instance, a cranky child. So as of Tuesday I went on an indefinite length facebook break. I'm not saying I will make it further than my longest break of 8 days but I'm also not saying that I ever will return. We'll see how it goes. I know having two kids right now I'm noticing the extra time I have from being off facebook. I know this will be very valuable once I have this second baby. And until then I'm going to use the extra time to work on my yoga homework and lesson plans that I would like to get in before I have this baby. Then I only have my practical exam, written exam and thesis specialty project. Ok that still sounds like a lot but at least I will have my 10 lesson plans done.

I've encouraged people to email me and use the telephone. Who knows if they will, I did get a phone call today actually! Well two one from Erin about the park which was just too difficult with two babes and one from Please Mum offering me a job. It may surprise most to hear that I declined the job, but I doubt it would surprise those who know me best. They wanted me to work every Saturday morning during farmer's market and then maybe two other shifts during the week so probably under 10 hours a week total. I'm not giving up my precious farmer's market family time every single week. I'm not looking for a job but if the right job is looking for me I'm sure I will accept it.

Tomorrow is my husband and I's 5th Wedding Anniversary. I've been giving him lots of reminders so I think this year could really be the year he actually remembers. It's also Mother's Day on Sunday so hopefully it's an all round fantastic weekend for family. Justin and I watch both boys tomorrow and then have the weekend off and then I watch them both on Monday and it's sounds like back to Spokane for them on Tuesday. It's been fun but I'm looking forward to some one on one time with my little man again. Yay!

The Tale of Two Toddlers

I've just done the seemingly impossible. It took me an hour but I got a 17 month old and a nearly 15 month old down for a nap within 15 minutes of each other.

Backstory:

I'm reading my friend's blog who lives in Spokane and she's very disappointed because she has to turn down a chance to make a lot of money because she has to travel up to the Okanagan to do it and has no place to stay and no one to watch her 17 month old son while she works for about a week and a half. I scratch my head for a moment and then send her an email. The email summarized is: We have a spare room and I'm not working. Stay with us and I'll look after Orin.

I was so happy I could help my friend make some money. Plus I don't get to see her very often so what a great chance to visit. She's about 3 weeks further along than me in her second pregnancy so we'll have tons to chat about too! Not that we wouldn't anyway since we've known each other nearly 20 years but it's still always fun to have someone going through the exact same thing as you.

A day goes by, then a week. Then I'm freaking out. Oh my god. How am I going to watch two toddlers? So I call in back up in the form of my mom. I'll split the money with you Mom, please, please, please HELP ME! My sweet mother of course agrees.

A couple problems arose in my plans where my dear, sweet mother ended up with both boys for a couple days. Have I mentioned again lately how much I love you mom? I need to find one hell of a mother's day gift for this Sunday. Maybe that's what I'll use my half of the money for taking care of this other dude for.

But my mom comes down with a stomach bug yesterday. We were all over at their house yesterday so I had my first taste of watching them both alone. But today I am all alone.

Now these are both very excellent little boys. But together they become a little of a handful. Mostly because Eli, unknowingly I'm sure, becomes a big bully around Orin. He loves pulling hair and he just doesn't grasp the fact that he should be sharing his toys yet. So if Orin goes up to something, Eli immediately has to come to it too and take it away or sit on it before Orin, etc. But it is a great learning experience for both of them. Eli is learning to share and not pull hair (although it's a slooooooooow process thus far) and Orin is learning to walk and to stand up for himself. We've been teaching him to put his hand out when Eli comes around and is trying to push him out of the way.

I think the best part about all of this though will be how easy it will feel to take care of Eli once Orin goes home, lol! I'll be like what the hell was I complaining about before?!

On a very bright note, we're all just loving having house guests. It's been so nice to catch up with my friend. And as a thanks for letting them stay with us, she even painted our living room on Sunday! It's just beautiful and we've been dying to do it ever since we moved in. No more boring white living room walls. I often worry about having house guests just because we live a non-traditional life compared to most. We don't have tv, we play our kundalini music all day every day, we eat vegetarian and have very little prepared food in our house. Luckily, my friend is super easy going with all of it. I don't think she watches much tv anyway, she is amazingly creative and spends most of her time on beautiful sewing and crafts and baking. And though she eats meat she seems fine with meatless meals. I'm sure it's just nice to not have to prepare them herself for once. It's been nice to pamper her a little bit. I know how hard it is when you're working all day and then you have to come home and make dinner and still do all your "mommy" chores. Especially when you're pregnant and tired too!

So all in all it's been a beautiful week so far and we'll be sad to see them go home although I'm sure her hubby misses them both terribly.

In Baby #2 news I had my dating ultrasound and it's not twins (YAY!) I'm also not further along like they had thought, I am actually the opposite and baby was about 9 days smaller. So they pushed my due date back, not that I care. Baby will come when he/she is ready. I'm doing what I did last time though, immediately I was certain it was a certain gender and now already at nearly 11 weeks I am flip flopping. I actually really want to find out this time but I don't think Justin wants to. I think mainly he doesn't want to pay to find out since you have to go to sneak a peek in Kelowna and I think JUST to find out the gender and get no pictures it's $79.00. Seems a little ridiculous. Plus I have hear ultrasounds really aren't that great for your baby anyway. And doing the 3D ones is much more harmful. So I'm wondering whether I should just wait and be surprised. Part of me just wonders though if when that baby comes out and they say it's a boy! Will I be just a little disappointed? I'd rather have that mini moment of disappointment well before that baby crosses over to this side of the womb. I know, we'll obviously be happy with either but I do want a girl so to know I've got a boy and a girl relieves some pressure to have anymore kids. Justin definitely wants more but I'm not so sure, especially after the overwhelming task of taking care of two toddlers. I know it will be different since they will be nearly 2 years apart but it's still two kids.

I think the moral of this week's blog is that I am just not cut out for child care. I was going to help a couple other friends out with childcare here and there but I think I won't now. It's ok to know your strengths and weaknesses and I have precious reserve of energy at the moment and I should not feel pressured to use it in ways I'm not feeling comfortable. I've really been coming into my own lately and realizing it's ok to ask for what I want and say no to others if I need to. That's not disrespecting anyone, it's actually respecting them and me. Also I'm finding more trust that the universe will provide for me. This getting laid off thing has done wonders for my faith. Every month I do our budget and find a $350.00 shortfall, and yet at the beginning of each month I find we're up far more than $350.00. God is really supporting us right now, and the message is clear, I'm just not meant to work at the moment, I need to be at home. So I am not looking for work. If the perfect job comes to me then great but otherwise, I'm happy with where we are. We can't pay off our debt like this but I get to spend precious time at home with my son, the last 6 months where it's just him and I. That is such a gift. And though he may be too young to remember this first 21 months of his life when it was just him and I, I will always remember them.

Crank....

As I mentioned in my last post, hormones are really getting to me this time. Up - Down. Bliss - Depression. Happy - Cranky. It's exhausting. I was even so cranky that when I posted on facebook that Shelly was cranky, I had to add a disclaimer that basically said "if you utter one word about how I SHOULD be feeling (aka happy that there is a beautiful growing being inside of me that in 6-7 months will come out and again change my world) that I am going to bite your head off". Must be a girl.

But seriously, I know what's going on and that it's all for the greater good but if it's one thing I've learnt in the last 2 years of my life doing kundalini yoga is that you have to FEEL your emotions, otherwise you start storing them away into chronic pain and sadness. This is not to say you need to live in these emotions (or even act out of them as I may have earlier with my comment) but you need to accept them, feel them, let them go. So moral of the story, let me be cranky. It's not like it's going to last long anyway.

In other news I'm excited to have my first midwife appointment tomorrow! I think it's probably too early to hear the heartbeat but I still have my fingers crossed. I'm going to go without Eli and really just let it be about me and baby. That feels right to me. Maybe later on Eli can come too but for at least this initial meeting, me and babe. Baby Hebert #2. Gives me shivers sometimes!!

Back to bliss.

In Eli news, he seems to be in an "I won't eat anything but bread, pasta, cheese and fruit" phase. Frustrating. Also I'm finding it really hard to feed him when I'm so nauseous. I don't know if you've heard but baby's are not clean eaters. All the food gets mushed together to form one super food with a very weird smell. I gag thinking about it. My poor friend has Hyperemesis Gravidarum and everytime I feel sorry for myself I think about poor her having to do the same things as me but sicker, much sicker.

Eli also has gone to the park 3 out of the last 4 days. We've had such nice weather! He hates the swings but LOVES the slides! The smiles I get from the slide are amazing! Such a proud mama.

He is also learning to kick a soccer ball! Every day he amazes me with something new.

I love being a mom! Annnnnd we'll end with bliss.. a far cry from crank.

Step right up baby #2!

I'm coming out of the closet to my blogging world. I am pregnant again. Whew, now I feel relieved, hehe.

It was easier coming out on facebook this time since I only have like 60 friends left after pairing out anyone I hadn't talked to in the last 6 months.

But yes, pregnant. Again. A new journey beginning with another to follow in about 6-7 months.

It's amazing how when you let go of something you want really bad, that's when it comes back to you. I got pregnant probably days after writing the post on here that I was so frustrated after taking test after test each month and how I just needed to let go and accept that I may be one of those women who can't get pregnant while breastfeeding. Let it go and there it is. Amazing.

So after Eli coming on his own time I'm tempted to not put much faith in due dates. My belief is this baby will come around the beginning of November. I'm hoping for 11-11-11, what crazy good numerology for someone to have!!

I think it's a girl but after my baby spirit meditation that I wrote about how could I not? Also I'm sure that most people who have one gender the first time just assume it'll be the other the second time. We'll be quite happy with another little man.

This pregnancy feels different. With Eli I was attracted to blue, everywhere. This time I'm finding I'm attracted to pinks, purples, florals. With Eli I would not choose one for sure baby name and with this one I have a boy name and a girl name for sure. Obviously I'm open to the fact that if it comes out and it's not a ______ we will find something else. With Eli I couldn't eat from weeks 6-12 and when I could I craved potatoes and quinoa, with this one I have to continuously eat or I'm sicker than a dog and most of the time I can only eat whatever I'm craving which is usually junk food. This is very painful for someone who tries to eat healthy. Also I feel like I'm doing the baby harm, yet, I just can't eat anything else! I'm ashamed at what I am putting in my mouth lately.

I think I have been a little less tired this time but that could just be survival instinct. Or Univera. And I've been taking huge doses of Univera's Aloe Gold and that could mean the difference of why I can eat this time and why I couldn't last time. No real way to tell without a time machine.

At any rate, it's different this time, though I expected it to be. I think the main thing I've noticed is lots of mood swings and a lot of fear. I worry a lot. Things like, why do I deserve another when often I can't handle the one I have. Yesterday was an all day crankfest with molars so I was extra emotionally drained. Also with hubby working so much I think, I need more help with one, how are we going to do two? But what I have to remember is that just like the first one you get 9 (or 8 in our case) months to get used to the idea and figure out how the heck you're going to manage. 8 Months of training and prep work. I have time. I don't need to be worried.

So luckily I am finally beginning to get excited for this baby! It was so sad to try and want one so badly for 8 months and finally get my wish and then feel like I couldn't handle it and the time wasn't right. I am at peace with it now though, it's all going to be fine. Take a lesson from the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Shelly, and "DON'T PANIC."

.........

Wow! I have time to blog. I have been waiting and waiting to have time to blog for about a week now. Now it's here and I'm not sure what to say. I think that's irony, but I better ask Alanis Morrisette. Nah, I heard most of the examples in her song are actually not irony at all but unfortunate coincidences.

So I was in a fashion show tonight for a ladies night sponsored by Fruv, our local yoga/athletic wear store. It was a lot of fun! My friend Amanada and I rocked the "runway". We were even too sexy for our cats. So I just got home from that and to *shock and awe --- An empty house! Justin must have taken Eli to Grandma and Grandpa's, likely to instal the new piece of computerware that arrived today. But still I'm not sure I've come home to an empty house full of no immediate obligation in well, you guessed it, about 13.5 months.

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change my life for anything but this definitely was a pleasant surprise. I had a snack, I'm blogging now. Maybe I'll go over the yoga class I'm going to teach tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a bath! But at any rate I'm running out of time because they will be home in approximately 10-15 minutes. So no offense but SEE YA INTERNET!

Much peace and love!!!

Longer spaces... fewer minutes free

Hey all!

Well the space between blog posts is getting longer but my time has gotten more precious as I have returned to work. The weeks leading up to this I was trying to squeeze in every second with my little guy. I'm also starting to sub at another yoga studio, yay!! The one I dreamt of working at forever!

But an update on my nearly 13 month old. It was like a little switch was activated at 12 months and his hand-eye coordination just started working. He can stack his rings perfectly and will sit there for awhile just stacking them, dumping them over, stacking them, etc.

He has expanded his vocabulary too! He now says: Hi, uh-oh, duck, kitty, and Na-na (as in banana!) Oh and anything with hair is a Kitty. But if you say Banana he will walk quickly to the place where we keep our bananas and reach up at them. So cute. Also we have a book that is called first words with beautiful pictures and big bold words and he opened it yesterday to the banana page and started going na-na, na-na, na-na. The other day I showed him the cat in the book and he said kitty. But he won't go back and forth between pictures, he'll only say one in the book per day. Such a funny little guy.

I also started doing a baby spirit meditation trying to get in contact with any future children's souls. It is amazing. Elisabeth Manning is her name at Conscious Conception. Justin and I both did the meditation and saw similar things and different things too. We both saw a girl though so we're pretty sure there's a girl in our future. This girl is a firecracker!!! Kind of the opposite of Eli (although he has his tantrumy moments). She kept telling me to be patient mom, I'm coming soon! So I will take her word on it. She also told me very clearly what she wants to be named. I'm not going to be disclosing that however, I'd like that to be a surprise later for everyone! Plus it's very clear she wants to be named this so I don't want to risk other people loving it and naming their child the same because it's not like I can change it later, it's set in stone now or a little firecracker will be after me!

Enough for now, I'm very tired, Eli is STILL working on the top two teeth on either side of the middle two. A few painful nights in and very tired from work as it is means afternoon naps with my babe :D

ONE!

My little man is one year old. Never again will I experience a day of the year that I have not had a son again. Not true actually, next year when February 29th wakes up from it's four year sleep I will get to experience another day for the first time with my baby boy. But I think you get the idea.

It's taken me nearly a week to write this post. I kept thinking to myself all day, I need to blog on his birthday, and trying to find time. Finally I gave up and said to myself, "really?" I'm going to stop being with my son in order to write about him? So instead, I just thoroughly enjoyed being around my baby boy on his birthday and on top of that celebrated MY "birth" day! Women don't nearly do this enough! It technically is their birth day too. It was a lot of work! So I truly tried to remember and savour each detail. I gave little Mister E a huge hug and kiss and held him at his birth time 7:59am, as I was not able to when he was actually born. I think it was at least 5-10 minutes before I actually got to hold my son. Ridiculous, now that I look back on it. If I am able to I will be doing a home birth next time. If I can't and end up in the hospital they will need to perform any tests they need to from his position on my chest as I hug my baby! But I digress...

Still no official weight or height, it's difficult to get to the health unit with Justin at work all day. Plus other than to get the official height and weight, I have no desire to go there. The nurses joke about "poking" my baby with shots and utter things like "oh not today? Well we'll get you next time." It's a little disturbing to me actually. But I weighed him on our scale and it said 24 lbs. I measured him myself as well and got 30.5 inches. He hasn't grown much (or at all actually) since he started walking.

My little guy is still not saying too much. Works on duck (more like duh!) Says Mamamama when being fed or wanting to be fed. Says Dadadada all the time! And is working on Nanana which we think is because he wants a banana, little monkey. At any rate, I'm pretty sure my prediction that he will be a man of few words will be true. Few words, but profound ones.

We had a birthday party for the monkey with his buddies a few days before his birthday. It started out with pizza eating and crawling, turned into cupcake eating in their underwear, and ended with a group bath. How many people could get away with THAT kind of birthday?

His second celebration was on his birthday with both sets of grandparents and Uncle Monkey. It was perfect, he enjoyed his favorite meal (lasagna and garlic bread) and in true monkey form ate the banana garnish before even thinking about touching the Funky Monkey cake my mom made and I designed (peanut butter cake, banana cake and chocolate icing all together!)

His last birthday party is this Sunday with our yoga community. It will be a potluck with a meditation and I'm really looking forward to it. Our Siri Simran or "Great Meditator" will feel right at home.

Project Minimalize Update:

Well we start Eli's RESP tomorrow And we've raised $335 with $147 still to come! A great start to his education. We may do this every year for a contribution!

Project has come to a bit of a stand still. Lots of items that are waiting to be picked up by out of town buyers. Quite a few things that no one wanted. And a closet that I'm still not even sure where to begin on. It's mainly filled with books, hobbies, computers we need to get data off of before trashing.

I did go through my clothes, again! It's kind of like a drug to me know. I was feeling down the other day so I did another cut and got all high again. I can't do anymore until I figure out what kind of job I am going back to.

Job update!: No news really. Lots of leads, no actual offers though. I got fairly discouraged a few nights ago (hence my re-minimalizing my clothes) but after an amazing get together with the women of my kundalini yoga group for the full moon last night, I feel refreshed with a renewed sense of faith and trust. Everything will come to me when it's ready to. I'm getting a lot of signs to wait a month and although waiting a month on paper is devastating to our finances, I just can't think about that right now. Trust trust trust!

The only other update I can think of to tell you is that I am still not pregnant yet. I thought for sure I would be by the time Eli was one. I even was so sure I was a few weeks back I bought him a 'Big Brother' tshirt and had these elaborate plans to use it as a birthday gift and surprise the grandparents at Eli's party. I even bought a belly band for pregnancy off baby steals. So finding out I wasn't again, and wasting another $10 on a pregnancy test (I think we're up to 7 taken in the last 7 months) was really a blow. Crushing actually. But again I've found another renewed sense of trust. Even if I'm only going to be blessed with one child I am happy. He is perfect for us. Maybe he's not ready to be a big brother quite yet. There are many days that I think "Why do I want another child, I can't even @*&$#%ing handle this one?!!" I have to get over the fact that I think I know what's best for me or my family. I have been dealing with a lot of issues as I return to my "normal" cycle. My hormones have been super crazy and lots of crazy pregnancy like symptoms (which has added to the am I pregnant drama in my head!). This has been very difficult to handle (and other around me to handle me as well). I'm trying to adjust my diet to help them along back to normal territory. It's really best for everyone involved ;)

Last but not least, he's been working on tooth #5 for about a week now. *rolls eyes

Enough said.

And at that I bid you goodnight. A lengthy, informative update. Hopefully you enjoyed it. And I'm going to leave you by thanking my little man, for turning one and for being born in general. Without him this blog would not exist and without him I would have not grown as much as I have and come to appreciate the world as much as I have. I love you little man. Happy Birthday again!