Life

Well the post-pregnancy decay of my body has set in. I'm in physio at the arthritis clinic again with a very lovely woman. For those of you that don't know I have a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I believe I have written about it before, but just in case you haven't read every post it's a form of arthritis that is an auto-immune, inflammatory disease. 

Physio has been hard, especially fitting in time to do the exercises. Plus the exercises while good for me and ridiculously easy, make me sore. Come on! Lying on the floor with your palms up shouldn't be an exercise. It's so frustrating!

There is just so much I need to work on and it's just as my physiotherapist said "to maintain what you have now". I won't even be getting better, that will come later if at all. When we get talking about how I have bone edema and how that doesn't show up on xrays until it's too late and the damage is done and how the next step, once I'm done having babies and nursing them is biologics. I remember leaving the rheumatologist office and on the way out is the room where the patients sit in their oversized chairs attached to IV's looking solemn and overweight from the lack of ability to move their bodies. Is this my future? That thought scares me more than anything. I am so scared.

I've found a few strategies that help me lately like hot baths and massaging my leg when it's weightless so I can actually relax enough for it to be effective and going for walks as long as they aren't too far or too stressful. Leaving the house today was just insane and it made me want to tear out my hair. I asked them about 10 times whether they actually even wanted to go outside.

As scared as I am about what my future means for me, the hardest part is how it might affect my kids. When I have flares I already have to have Eli help more than he should and I can't bend down to tie my kids shoes, I can't carry my baby sometimes in fear that my leg is going to give out and I could fall. Eli is finally at the age where he is starting to understand that my body doesn't always work the same as others and it's really hard to be so vulnerable and ask so much of my little man. Sometimes I'm so angry at my body. I'll be 31 next week and this should not be how I feel. I want to run, I want to play football, I want to play in general, no restrictions and enjoy my time with my kids. I get angry and stressed and sad and then I end up sitting on the couch most of the time, with thoughts of I'll get healthy later when I'm feeling well. It's such a double edged sword that I can't stay active but must stay active to keep my body moving.

Feeling down but trying to keep hopeful.

More time flies by

My little Griffy is 3 months old.

I'm not sure what it is this time, if it's just being a third time mother and more at ease, or that I've learned some things from the first two babies, or if Griffy is just an amazing baby, but he is pretty easy.

Sometimes I try to imagine if he was my first baby. Boy would I have been in for a lot heart ache and stress if I had him first and Eli second, yeesh.

Eli is an amazing boy now but as wee babe, I had a lot of trouble enjoying myself as a mother until he could walk around 9 months. Maybe he just needed to move and run to be happy, seems to still be the case, haha.

Ozzy is a huge cuddle bug and I think that's why he was a bit easier and would sleep but usually only near me. Still true to this day, loves his cuddles.

Griffy will sleep on his own for long stretches during the day but sleeps with me at night. He is by far the smiliest, happiest baby I've had. He wakes up after a 3 hour nap cranky until you pick him up and look at him then he smiles and coos and is the happiest thing you ever saw. He doesn't even think about eating for a good 15-30 minutes. He also loves his mat, his mobile, his exersaucer, pretty much everything... and everyone.

I'm happy I'm able to enjoy my last baby so much. What a blessing. I'm telling myself its because I'm better able to read him. He tells me what he wants. Maybe that's practice from the others or maybe we just have a stronger connection, or again maybe he's just easy. At any rate I'm counting my blessings. He is waking twice a night now rather than just once but oh well, I can live with that....except on mornings the big boys wake me at 4:45am, ick. Griffy's stats are rough because I'm just adding a little from his 2.5 month check up but at 3 months I'm guessing he is 16 lbs and 26.5 inches.
BIG! Ozzy was that long at 5-6 months.

Griffy needs to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!

Griffin's birth

A week ago I was getting pretty frustrated that I kept putting things on hold for baby, and even more importantly everyone else did too. My friend couldn't go to a new store that opened an hour away, my parents couldn't go an hour away to do a big shop at a large store. So on Saturday I gave everyone permission to just do what they need to do, we ended up doing a road trip too. We tried out our new DVD player and Ozzy got carsick outside of Tim Horton's :P We also got some bulk groceries and of course kitty litter. I did not go into labour, everyone got to do what they wanted, it was a great day and felt kind of freeing.

July 28th, 2014:

I didn't really sleep well Sunday night so I made sure I had a nap Monday morning.
Then I went to the chiropractor, met with another "are you still pregnant?" haha :P I had a really strong contraction on the way there and even a bigger one on the way home. I decided I may not be safe to drive any more if those contractions were going to be a regular happening.

I got home and had some lunch and hung out with my mom and the boys. Then about 2:40pm I had another strong, painful contraction. I had some more and my mom kept telling me this is it, but I was too afraid to get behind it because they were still about 25 mins apart. I was convinced when they got to 10 minutes apart and it was 4:30pm because usually by the 2 hour point they peter out for me if it's not the real deal. So I called my midwives and she and I talked and because of my history of quick labours she said she would come check if I wanted. She checked me at about 5:15pm and my water broke. So we mobilized Team Birth! 

The contractions got a lot stronger pretty soon after and I was doing the standing/leaning thing for awhile and then decided lying down would be better and more restful.

My mom and Justin's mom had taken the boys outside to play after I was trying to make the birth bed and Eli was so excited he bounced on the bed and off into the wall head first.

Contractions were very intense and I had to fight the urge to push A LOT. I'll never forget that feeling of no control, your body just trying to take over and your mind trying to keep up. I don't think I pushed more than 5 or 6 times before my baby's head was out and my midwives guided me through a fist by his head and a slow delivery. I'm so thankful for them and my pretty standard, easy to sew up tear this time. And then he was born at 7:34pm!

Having my sweet baby on my chest and not having to let him go for anything which was a total first for me was just amazing. My mother in law and Eli came in less than a minute after he was born which was really neat. Eli asked a lot of questions and seemed concerned but pretty all right with everything overall.

I got to hold him for a good hour while I was stitched up. Justin said, you know you're going to have to give him up some time! I replied, are you getting sewed up right now? I'll give him up when that's done.

When I finally gave him up my Mother In Law brought me a beautiful piece of toast, very much enjoyed as I missed dinner which I shared with my little toast machine Ozzy and had a cuddle. 

I felt really great afterwards, I could walk around by myself and get myself things which was much different from feeling so awful, shaky, and dependent on others after Ozzy's birth.  All in all if he hadn't had his fist up by his head I may not have torn and then it probably would have been the perfect birth. I got to hold my hubby and my best friend's hands the whole time, I got to be in my house, in my bed, I got a quick labour, a minor tear, and a beautiful healthy baby boy.

He was 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. He was also nameless for a bit.

I got to looking at names the next morning and narrowed it down to 5 that resonated with this little man. One that was jumping out at me the most was Griffin and after I showed Justin the 5 names he said Griffin as well, so it was a pretty easy decision. His middle name is Theodore after my mom and my mom in law's family. Theodore is my mother in law's brother's name and my mom's father's middle name.

He may get some Harry Potter nicknames though we realized later as the hybrid of the two names is Griffin-dore, haha.

I am adjusting pretty well. Breastfeeding is agony as I remembered it to be the first week. The boys are super emotional and not listening well but I'm trying to give them lots of love. My hormones are all over the place, as is my sleep. But I am so happy that my family is now complete and I have my three wonderful boys and the support and love of my wonderful husband (and extended family and friends of course). I am so blessed! 

But I think I have used all the time I have right now, Grif is a pretty good sleeper so far but he's due for some milk any minute.

(Getting) Ready?

First of all, this is my 100th post on this blog! Thanks for all who dare to read it, even if occasionally! It is a pleasure to write, and I have really enjoyed these nearly 5 years of learning how to Mommy.

I'm 34 weeks and I'm feeling pretty done. As much as I'm sad this is the last time I'll be pregnant I'm ready to wrap up the finale of "Shelly: The Pregnant Years" and start the series premiere of "My Three Sons".

One thing I'm struggling to get over is the fact that being pregnant makes me feel "special". People want to do things for you, you get special treatment, more massages, more leeway in general to be sore, tired, and/or moody. From here on after this pregnancy I'm no longer a mom-to-be I'm just a plain old mom. And we all know mom's are just supposed to put others needs ahead of their own. A nap? Psssh. A super-mom doesn't need a nap! 

After birth, my body tends to go a little crazy with hormones and my inflammation issues get much worse so not only will I be sleep deprived I will be in a lot of pain. So I'll have to go on a pretty strict wheat-free diet to help with that and I'm also looking into some physiotherapy this time around. So that will be easy with all my free time looking after 3 boys. Also my eating and weight have not been on my mind as something I can control in the past 5 years because I figure what's the point if I'm just going to get pregnant again? This means my wardrobe is stuffed to the brim with every size imaginable because who knows what size I will be at any given moment.

So despite having to work out all that plus in a year deciding how much I want to be working, I'm pretty ready to have this baby on the outside of my tummy. 

Here are my reasons why:

• 1. Everything gives me heartburn, I feel like a fire breathing dragon 90% of the day. All the papaya extract and tums in the world can't cure this crap.
  
  
  2. My entire body aches. Shins? You bet! Ears? Sure. Every day feels like 'the day after I was thrown from a moving bus' day.
  
  
  3. I'm still kind of nauseous. Ridiculous, I know! Though it's partially from the fact that I don't want to eat in risk of heartburn that I feel so ill.
  
  
  4. I'm getting dangerously close to punching a stranger for the "you look ready to pop" comments and the "I guess you'll try again for a girl" asides. I hate feeling like I'm letting down a complete stranger by saying actually it's another boy.
  
  
  5. I'm boiling, especially my feet. They feel similar to what I could imagine mini volcanoes feel like. I can be sitting with my feet in ice cold water with a fan blowing on me and I'm still sweating like I'm in the Sahara Desert.
  
  
  6. I'm waiting on confirmation from the midwife but I believe I have a condition called irritable uterus. Laugh if you want and then you can google it and stop. It basically means I have Braxton-Hicks contractions that are more than just tightenings, they feel like full on labor contractions. I had something similar with Oz, it was weeks of, "am I in labour, or am I not?" I was really hoping to skip that this time, but at least I'm much less scared of pre-term labor knowing this joy can go on for weeks and weeks. The only thing that makes it better is lying down on my side for a couple hours until it goes away. I hear there's a cure but it involves having your baby so I'll wait a bit for that.
  
  
  7.  I'm exhausted. I could have a 2 hour nap an hour after I wake up in the morning. Then if I do anything outside or stand or walk for about 5 minutes, then I need another nap. But it has to be a nap because sleeping the whole night through is just a thing of the past. Every 30 minutes I need to wake up to flip my body in the style of an awkward shaped pancake. The there is the million bathroom breaks a night and I'm getting over some sort of tonsil issue which means a very sore throat and about 3-4 times a night I wake up gasping for breath like some sort of sleep apnea. I'm looking forward to switching from desperately trying to sleep but cannot to would desperately love to sleep but cannot. There's a difference. Believe me. Either that or I'm too sleep-deprived to realize there's not. 

So crib is set up, baby stuff is washed. We have a car seat. I'm ready to enjoy this baby from the outside now. I know that baby benefits from every day he stays in there but it can't hurt my chances of not going to 40 weeks if I let this little guy know I'm ready and waiting. See ya when you're ready little guy!

32 Weeks

Well I'm approaching the end of my final pregnancy journey. It's been a doozy but I am thankful it has gotten a bit better in this last trimester. My entire body is achy and sore, my ribs are out, my neck is out, I have heartburn, I'm waddling.. and yet this is still an improvement over what the first two trimesters were. 

I'm slowly getting ready, not wanting to do it too early and risk disappointment, but also not wanting to take chances and wait until too late. Pregnancy is so weird. Plus we are discovering that we just don't have enough room in our house for all the stuff of five people. So we are getting a bit creative and obviously using the generously given storage room at my parents-in-laws place. 

I have learned a ton about my parenting since being off work which has been about 3 weeks now. I thought it would be stressful, and at times it has been, but it has also been very enjoyable. I have learned how good of a mother I am and also what I really need to work on. But most importantly I'm savoring the last months, weeks, with my two boys before everything gets turned on its head again and we start figuring it all out again. 

I have been enjoying preschool and routine a little too much. Since Eli has started four days a week preschool, Ozzy has been falling asleep on drop off and giving me an hour and a half to myself every afternoon. But in a week and a half we've got summer vacation starting and again I gotta learn it all from scratch again. 

Parenting is such a flux, you ride the waves and sometimes get sucked under by one, thrashing around at the bottom trying to get some air. Somehow you get back on your board and live to surf another day. I have been feeling very guilty that my yoga mat has not seen light of day in about 18 weeks or so, but I keep reminding myself that not all yoga is on the mat. Though I'm sure my body would appreciate the mat time, my mind has been having lots of time to practice being present and practicing acceptance.

Hopefully the weather stays cool and I do too! It should be an interesting summer either way! I'll keep you posted!

3 Boys!

About two weeks ago we found out the news: We are having another boy!

I'll admit I had mixed feelings about the news. I thought for sure this was going to be our girl. It was interesting how everyone I told asked how I was feeling about that. There's a certain level of disappointment expected when you don't get the ideal one boy and one girl. I was not immune to this. I always really wanted one of each and then one more of whatever gender, grab bag! 

I immediately pushed through my feelings and put out the statement "of course I'm happy, three boys will be great!" That was not entirely true and I've spent the last two weeks working through that disappointment privately.  

I know there's a bright side to everything. I'm definitely used to raising boys and I have all the clothes for it. I was really looking forward to buying some new clothes though since these ones are actually starting to wear a bit after going through two active boys. I also was looking forward to the flowered headband pictures and buying leggings and tunics.

I'm really excited at the prospect of getting to raise three open-hearted, compassionate men. I know we are starting on the new generation of aquarian men now and I'm very excited to be a part of that. 
BUT... it also makes me think, was there something missing from me that meant I couldn't raise a strong, confident woman? Do I still have a lot to learn before I'd be ready to raise a girl?

I'm hoping that by raising this new generation of men they might be more inclined to stay in touch and communication with their parents. It may be a cliche but girls seem to stay closer to their parents than boys later in life. It also means I may not to ever be part of planning a wedding. And depending on how my future daughter in laws feel about me, I may never be present at a birth of one of my grandchildren. I will never have a best girlfriend in my daughter like I have with my mom and like she had with her mom.

This all leaves me feeling a little bit lonely.

I've read a ton of blogs and articles about mothers of three boys (never about three girls) and how people tell them all the time how it's too bad they never got a girl. These woman are livid. I'm sure all of my statements why I'm disappointed would make them even madder. But I can't help how I feel and nor will I deny how I feel. I will still be an amazing Mom to all three of my boys. We raise humans not specifically boys or girls so I'm still going to get to experience three wonderfully different personalities, likes, dislikes etc. That's always what I really wanted.

Also on the bright side, I will stay queen of this house. I will have the loving devotion and protection of 4 boys if you include my husband. I will always be the odd one out but it just means my relationships with my girlfriends might need more attention.

Also another thing I'm REALLY looking forward to not dealing with is adolescent girls and PMS! I always said I would much rather have three boys than three girls any day.

Also FOOTBALL! I love playing football. I've always been at least as much tom boy as girly girl, if not more!

I just hope my boys never get too old to cuddle, even if it's when no one else is looking. I'd take that. 

I'm still having bad all day sickness days, though they are fewer and further between. I have really bad heartburn. Since Christmas when I had my three week virus, I've had 3 colds, tonsillitis where I couldn't even talk or swallow without crying, and then a huge rash from the antibiotics from the tonsillitis that made my feet hurt so bad I couldn't walk on them. This pregnancy is a struggle, every day. I am exhausted by it honestly. I am nearly 22 weeks now and I can't believe in 5 weeks I'll be in the most tiring trimester. I don't know if I will leave my couch at all anymore. I'm glued there a lot now as it is. 

Wish me luck!