Ozzy is 5 months old! He weighs 21 lbs and is 26.25 inches. My crazy big guy! Love him so much!
I'm updating this post a day later, thought I would write a few more words. I'm tired, so tired. Eli is just wearing me out. He won't listen to anything I say. And he waits until I'm breastfeeding or showering to do the especially terrible things. Our house is a constant disaster and I'm a screaming lunatic. I'm just finding myself swinging wildly out of control over anything. I get aggressive and treat Eli more harshly than I'd like to feeling incredibly guilty afterwards too. I'll get angry and make him lie down and then in the process smack his poor little head into the wall for instance. That same beautiful little head that was concussed less than two weeks ago that I'm supposed to be keeping extremely safe and out of danger.
No sugar coating on this blog. Just me. Real me with my real flaws as shameful as they make me feel. I've done everything I swore I'd never do, spank, slap, hit, bite, pinch, scream. It all makes me sick to my stomach guilty afterwards. I know violence is not the answer, especially when you are trying to get the point across that they shouldn't be violent. How fricking confusing! But when you say over and over the same words that never get through it gets really frustrating. Especially when you are trying to keep a defenceless little 5 month old safe. At least time outs are seeming like they are starting to work. I just need to get him confined to a place. It's all a power struggle. I've let him have far too much power since I've been so tired I just let him do what he wants. So we had a good fight today and I stuck it out and hopefully it will make a difference.
I know I need to savour these years. But it's damn hard sometimes. It seems like I can only remember to savour it when they are asleep and then I almost want them to wake up so I can enjoy them but at the same time I'm like WHOA, don't be crazy!
I guess this is all to do with a bigger life lesson of being present in your life in the good times and the bad times. That's my goal for tomorrow. I thought I was doing better today but then I just lost it. My house was torn apart, fridge open, food everywhere (most half eaten), laundry strewn about, all clean clothes of hangers, pee on the floor, snotty nose wiping all over me and he needed a god damn nap but wouldn't take it!! And snap. Bye patience!
I need a project with Eli for tomorrow. Maybe some arts and crafts will help us.
Ok I think it's bedtime. Maybe a little more rest will help.
