Ozzy is 5 months old! He weighs 21 lbs and is 26.25 inches. My crazy big guy! Love him so much!
I'm updating this post a day later, thought I would write a few more words. I'm tired, so tired. Eli is just wearing me out. He won't listen to anything I say. And he waits until I'm breastfeeding or showering to do the especially terrible things. Our house is a constant disaster and I'm a screaming lunatic. I'm just finding myself swinging wildly out of control over anything. I get aggressive and treat Eli more harshly than I'd like to feeling incredibly guilty afterwards too. I'll get angry and make him lie down and then in the process smack his poor little head into the wall for instance. That same beautiful little head that was concussed less than two weeks ago that I'm supposed to be keeping extremely safe and out of danger.
No sugar coating on this blog. Just me. Real me with my real flaws as shameful as they make me feel. I've done everything I swore I'd never do, spank, slap, hit, bite, pinch, scream. It all makes me sick to my stomach guilty afterwards. I know violence is not the answer, especially when you are trying to get the point across that they shouldn't be violent. How fricking confusing! But when you say over and over the same words that never get through it gets really frustrating. Especially when you are trying to keep a defenceless little 5 month old safe. At least time outs are seeming like they are starting to work. I just need to get him confined to a place. It's all a power struggle. I've let him have far too much power since I've been so tired I just let him do what he wants. So we had a good fight today and I stuck it out and hopefully it will make a difference.
I know I need to savour these years. But it's damn hard sometimes. It seems like I can only remember to savour it when they are asleep and then I almost want them to wake up so I can enjoy them but at the same time I'm like WHOA, don't be crazy!
I guess this is all to do with a bigger life lesson of being present in your life in the good times and the bad times. That's my goal for tomorrow. I thought I was doing better today but then I just lost it. My house was torn apart, fridge open, food everywhere (most half eaten), laundry strewn about, all clean clothes of hangers, pee on the floor, snotty nose wiping all over me and he needed a god damn nap but wouldn't take it!! And snap. Bye patience!
I need a project with Eli for tomorrow. Maybe some arts and crafts will help us.
Ok I think it's bedtime. Maybe a little more rest will help.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Shelly. I only have one and I still have days like that, especially when I was in college. I finally broke my spanking habit but I still find myself freaking out and yelling crazy style at her which is doubly horrible for me as I was raised that way and swore I'd never do it to my kids. The best thing you could have done was to stick it out and win. It's hard, we're terrified we'll break their little spirits but children are super resilient and I've found that they want boundaries/rules - kids that don't have them constantly do things they shouldn't just waiting for a parent to set one and when it doesn't happen they run wild etc (I know because I have siblings on both sides of that parenting style). Consistency is the key but it's so hard when you're tired. We finally decided to use the "Naughty Chair" - this is basically a time out but lets the child know they have been naughty/behaved badly and that it's not acceptable and after the first few times, it worked like a dream. Eventually we moved on to the count to 3 and we still use the counting but it's more of a warning system now and then she loses something dear for a day or two or a week. The guilt we feel when what we try isn't working but we don't know what else to do is terrible but eventually you will find something that works for Eli (might be a different thing for Ozzy when he gets there) and it will just seem like a rough patch in your parenting. Hugs!
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