Back to work?

So the person that took my position at work lost her father this week. So sad. All my heart goes out to her. So my work called me in to fill in for her. They asked me to work until the end of the month (the busiest time for a conveyancer) but we are going camping and have already booked sites and everything. So I am filling in for just over a week. So I'm working a total of 3 days this week and 3 days next week. It's all such a mess too. It's my least favorite time of year, middle of summer and tax time so everything is a struggle to find out who is doing what. At least I'll miss the closing day last minute mishaps! I'm going to try and set them up as best I can so the last two business days of the month go as smoothly as possible!

Anyway so I had to think pretty fast about what to do with Eli. LUCKILY, my angel of a mother is available to babysit. But Eli is nursing pretty often just due to the heat and to teething. So the first day (yesterday) I walked back and forth from work every 3 hours to feed him which wasn't really enough, cranky boy. Then I got home and decided tomorrow, I'm bringing him and my mom. They can set up in my office since I'm in my coworkers and we'll bring all his comforts from home (jolly jumper and play mat) and we went out and bought a portable crib. It actually worked out really good because I was not prepared mentally to be away from my little man so much this soon. I really needed to prepare I think. So this way when I can take a quick break I go and have a cuddle!! But I'm sure getting a taste of how hard it is to be away from him for when I go back to work. Don't get me wrong I like my job and I'm good at it. It definitely is busy enough that I can't think of him much while working but as soon as I hold him I realize how many precious minutes I missed out on. I just definitely know that I am not ready to go back full time.

It is unfortunate timing in our lives right now though. Hubby's work is really busy at this time of the year so he is definitely working 40 hours a week if not a few more. We're going on a nearly week long camping trip a week today so I'm trying to prepare for that, laundry, lists etc. AND the final commitment (and definitely the most exciting!!!) I am FINALLY starting my yoga teacher training. But I only got my books on Tuesday with my first class and assignment due on Sunday. The reading is really heavy, deep, spiritual and philosophical stuff. I have to read each paragraph like 6 times to get anything from it. Then I have to answer questions. The assignment is supposed to take about 3-4 hours but for how long it takes me to read the material, geez I don't know. I was up until midnight last night and this morning I was up at 3, 4, 5, & 6 with cranky teething Eli and then finally got up at 6am to get everything together (including myself!) for work. I'm glad I'm still doing my meditation on making your worries look little. I think it's helping. But a few weeks ago I started the mantra "I can do it all" to myself and I think I'm being tested in that theory!

I am bummed that I had to cancel my coffee date with my friend DL. DL and I have decided to write a recipe book centred around our Okanagan Farmer's Market. It will be vegetarian since we both are but I'm really excited because I've always wanted to be a writer (and a mother and a yoga teacher... it's all coming together!) and I think it's something that could really be a hit around here since the Farmer's Market is SO popular and so many people are moving towards eating locally and supporting local farmers. We'll just have to meet up when we get back from camping and make it happen :)

Anyway I am exhausted and I think I will take my little man to bed and I may just stay there. I'm hoping tomorrow goes very smoothly and Eli's gums are feeling better.

I can do it all.

I can do it all.

That's what being a mother is isn't it?

HUGS! And hard decisions!!

I forgot to mention in my last post that Eli has started to hug!!! I'll take him over my shoulder and squeeze him and go "hugs!" and he squeezes back real tight. It's the most fun ever!!

I'm trying (and failing) to establish a bedtime routine. My hope was to get him in bed at 8pm every night. I have not succeeded once in 4 nights. We just always seem to be out later. I managed to have him in bed (ours) by 9:10pm tonight. I guess that will have to do for now. I was also debating giving him a bath before bed because it sure tuckers him out. But he sure hates baths so I may get him more used to it first before employing it in the bedtime routine. So it's pretty much no different than what I did before except I'm trying (and again failing) to have it between 8pm and 9pm.

Ok onto the hard decisions part of my post. First of all: Vaccinations

I have been back and forth for weeks, months even, on this topic. My gut and heart tell me not to do them. I've always felt weird about them. I know many people say there is a correlation between autism and auto-immune diseases and shots and I would hate to risk that (though nothing is proven). I would also hate to risk him getting one of the meningitis diseases that can cause permanent damage or be the one kid in north america a year that gets polio. My biggest problem with this topic is the research factor. I have been quoted many reputable sources that quote studies that have been done. BUT who conducts the studies? It's the pharmaceutical companies that sell the drugs. A little conflict of interest, no? But they are the ones with the money to conduct the research.

Another reason I'm thinking not is the fact that I would not get a vaccination. Also I was trying to picture myself there with Eli getting them done and I decided I wouldn't be able to be the one who holds him and he associates with this getting done. That to me right there says it's not what I think is best for him. If it's what I thought was best for him I would be happy to be the one there. Ok maybe not happy but I would be able to do it at least. I also hate making any decision out of fear of what could happen. Sure he could get one of these diseases but he might not, there's a good chance he won't. It's the stuff that is in the shots that scares me most, what if it does trigger something that was already there but brings Autism on? It could come on later if he actually gets the disease but still he could have lived quite a bit of a normal life. Also in the yoga that I do they think Autism is actually a sign of a very spiritual being, a "crystal child". Lastly, I don't take pharmaceutical drugs, I feel there are other ways to deal with issues. So why would I pump my child full of preventative measures from a system I don't fully believe in myself anyway?

Every time I list my reasons I become more sure that I won't vaccinate.

Ok, hard decision #2 (as if I need another!) I am growing increasingly frustrated with our ferrets. They miss their litter box all the time and act up when we let them out of their room into our main living area. It's because we don't spend enough time with them of course, so it is essentially our fault but that doesn't make me any less frustrated when I have a teething baby on one hip trying to get a ferret out from inside the inner parts of our couch so they don't fall asleep in there with the other hand. Or make me want to clean up more poop! The biggest issue is going to be when Eli starts crawling. I can't have him being anywhere near ferret droppings and litter boxes. And the main room is where I will spend most of my time, that and the kitchen. Plus Yogi bites sometimes so if she is around Eli and he decides to grab her and I'm not watching every single move they make he could get bit! That would be terrible! It would basically make child proofing completely pretty much impossible.

The hard part. They are our girls! We've had them since they were kits, they are 3 and a half now. Coco was our one year anniversary present and we got Yogi two weeks later because she was so much fun. They were like our prep course to kids. They taught us patience and love like I'd never known before. I feel guilty beyond belief about thinking about giving them away. My mom embroidered them on Eli's baby quilt. They are our family. And I feel just completely rotten about not wanting them here anymore. We are also going to need the room that they live in. The bad part about our house is that it is long and skinny and our room is at one end and the other two bedrooms at the other end. So we would need to move to the other part of the house in order for me to feel comfortable having Eli sleep in his own room. I know that may sound weird but after you co-sleep it just seems weird to have them so far away and probably is weird for them too. Right now having him on the other end of the house in bed without me is really weird. I just wish I could have forseen this and not taken on the responsibility of these pets. I feel like I've let them down. They were so loving and playful and they just aren't anymore. I can feel that they don't feel as loved anymore. And when they get out they just look for mischief to get my attention because I don't really have time to play with them with all the other things I need to get done around the house. I just basically feel like scum today.

Hubby is undecided on whether this is the right decision or not. I think in his heart he knows it's the best thing for them. We have AMAZING people to give them too. The only problem is they live 5 hours away so it would pretty much mean we wouldn't really see them anymore, maybe once or twice a year. I just keep imagining giving them to this couple and having to leave and go home and how terrible I will feel. I know I am leaving them with the best surrogate "ferr"ents and 3 fuzzy buddies to play with. But at the same time it's like, will they miss me? I guess the truth is they already do miss me even living in the same house as me. At least this way they will get more love. Yogi doesn't adjust well to change though, I hope she'll be ok. Again I'm talking like it's a for sure thing but Justin is still undecided. I just don't see how we can make it work. And I refuse to keep them locked up in a room that no one goes into just because I can't bear to let them go. If you really love someone you are supposed to do what's best for them even if that means letting them go, right?

Well if it's one thing I've always known is that with kids comes certain sacrifices and definite hard decisions. It's proving very true today in my life. I think I'm done for tonight.

5 Months and Beach Time!

Well today is my little one's 5 month birthday. He is celebrating it by teething terribly unfortunately. I feel bad for the little guy, but he'll live and I suppose I will too. Do you think there is any chance of all his teeth coming in all at the same time so it's over, I think he has suffered enough per tooth as it is.

He is in his jolly jumper right now, bouncing away and today he learned to screech finally. I have to think of a dinosaur name for him. I already know a Sasha-dactyl and a Veloci-Jackson. Maybe an Eli-rex or Stega-Eli or a Tricer-Eli? Hmm... I will have to think more. Suggestions welcome!

The last remarkable thing he did that I want to mention is that I was sitting on the floor (bad me with my hip, oh well!) and he was sitting on my one crossed leg and he just stood up all by himself. He fell over about half a second later but he has the ability to stand up! I wonder if that means he could pull him self up on a couch or table too? Isn't that early signs of walking? HOLY CRAP! He's still trying to crawl though too, so hopefully he does that first. He's getting used to putting his knees down and pushing his front up. I would definitely guess he'll crawl before 6 months.

Anyway, I think I'll go for a walk with my little one. We have been having high 30's weather here and it's only 21 today which will be a super nice break. I'm burnt everywhere from a week of that. Oh that reminds me Eli went in the lake (both lakes) on Thursday and then again yesterday. He didn't like it but I think he could easily get used to it. After the initial shock he stopped crying but still looked quite concerned. He sat between my legs in the water and I kicked his legs a bit and he kind of liked that for a moment until a big wave hit him in the face. Water fail. Oh well, it was still lots of fun. Another great outing with "the triplet mommies" as my mom calls Amanda, Erin and I with our babes, each about a month apart.

Ok, getting a cranky boy here, needs a nap walk.

Shout out to single mom's!!

Man oh man. These past 2 and a half weeks have been pretty crazy. My hubby is new at his job and his boss left out of the country for 2 weeks. So these two weeks and the week before since he was rushing to train him how to do everything, he has been working insane hours, I think there was one day he worked 8 hours but there has been a lot of 12 hour days and working on weekends too! So I have basically felt like a single Mom lately. Fortunately, I have my parents in town who are AMAZING! My mom isn't working at the moment too so she's pretty much available when I need her! It's pretty amazing. So I am not complaining in any way. I am extremely lucky. I just wanted to shout out to the single mom's, especially ones that don't have the help of their family or friends so readily available! I can't even imagine.

I've loved how it's enabled me to grow in confidence and spend lots of time with my little angel! He is starting to chat and experiment with his voice. It's pretty amazing, hearing his little voice for the first time. He's learned how to jump in his jolly jumper before. Before he would sort of hop on one foot and turn in circles. He has definitely been nursing more in the hot weather. We are taking him to the beach to put him in the lake tomorrow with his BFF Cohen. It should be a fun night at the beach, not too hot, water should been a little warmer. He's also started to play with toys more and get more interested in books. He enjoys knocking block towers over that Grandpa makes.

His teething seems to have subsided a little bit, at least for now, that was a couple rough days though. Again, thank god for my mom being so helpful and giving me a break now and then. I weighed him on Monday and he was 15 lbs 6.5 ozs and 26.5 inches! He grew like a whole inch in a week! He's going to be a very tall boy! One of those boys that just picks up his little mommy.

Ok well he's been having a rather large nap and I think he will be very hungry upon waking up. I think I might even go for an evening walk with him. That sounds like a great way to end an evening to me!

Meltdown!

First meltdown in a looooong time! Not sure what is up with Eli but he can't seem to nurse or go to sleep tonight. I'm guessing it has to be teething but it was enough to bring me to tears of frustration tonight. It was strange being back there, I suppose I thought I was through with that part of parenting. I've been having such an amazing week otherwise. My hubby has been working around 60 hours at his day job as well as his self-employed job on the side so it's been all me. It's been really good. I re-fell in love with being a mom even though I never fell out of love if that makes any sense. I just found a new appreciation for it maybe? Anyway it was a good week overall. Eli has been nursing a lot more though, must be the hot weather. Oh well, go with the flow.

Well I think it's my turn to hold screaming Eli for awhile. I'm glad I got a little break though. It's nice to clear my head for a bit.

Oh a personal note, I started a new meditation on the first, letting go of fear and making your worries look very little. My sciatic flared up again today, very similar to what happened on the last meditation but it never went away. I really hope it doesn't last the whole meditation. I really need to work through these emotions but I start my teacher training in 22 days and I need to be able to do yoga or at the very least be able to sit on the floor! We'll see.

Goodnight!