Guilt!!

Well I've been feeling guilty lately. I've been complaining that little Eli has been breastfeeding non-stop. During the day he'll breastfeed for an hour and then and hour later do the same thing. Basically whenever we try and move him. He'll feed till he falls asleep (if you try and move him before he does he screams). It's just crazy so I basically can't do anything all day.

My friend, also a new mom with a nearly 2 week old, produces so much milk he can't eat it all. I can't find any to pump at all to give myself a break because by the time he's done with the breasts (I have to do both every time cuz he feeds so long) I can't pump anything, nor do I want to sit and pump in my hour of freedom. She also manages to breastfeed and do things around the house. I do not understand. I guess she just has so much more arm strength than me since our babies are both the same size (9-10 lbs). I just feel so inferior to this woman. She and her husband fight over who gets to hold their little boy and I feel like my husband and I pass him off like "it's your turn now I need to do something for myself!" GUILT GUILT GUILT! It just makes me feel like a crappy mother and I took a comment my husband said last night to mean the same thing.... oops to him. I know I shouldn't compare situations but I feel guilty that I don't want to be with my son ALL the time and feed him whenever he needs it without feeling frustrated.

She suggested maybe he's not getting the milk fast enough so if I can supplement with a bottle it could help but then I need to increase my milk flow. So I look it up online, ways to increase milk flow, and this website I found made me go through this list to be sure that I needed to increase my milk flow and it basically told me to suck it up and be a good mom and just breast feed whenever he wants because it's the best thing for him. Yes I know this but really, do I have to sacrifice everything I do normally for this? I think their must be a middle ground. I don't mind breastfeeding every 3 hours, feeding for one with 2 in between but as soon as I hand him over to my hubby so I can go eat he's screaming. It feels like I should be able to leave him for an hour or so or even express a little milk so I don't have to do every second hour feeds all by myself.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little guilty today but I guess I know in my heart that wanting a little time to myself for periods during the day that it doesn't mean I love my son any less than my wonder woman mom friend. But I am still a little jealous of her. I love her to death though, my bestie!!! Ok anyway, surprisingly he has made it nearly 3 hours since FINISHING feeding. So it feels a bit weird to be writing this particular post when he's actually doing so well at this moment. So I am counting my lucky stars for this moment and trying my best to change my mindset to living my life for my little boy and loving every precious moment with him. I truly am completely grateful for this gift, Eli is my angel.

Vibrating happiness..... :)

New Firsts!

Well I've been a bit AWOL lately. I've been having gallstone attacks!!! And I tell you these are worse than labour. I may be a bit bias though since I had such an easy labour. I have been passing some though and hopefully it will be over soon after I do a cleanse. Don't worry I've checked it out, it should have no effect on my milk and therefore baby Eli. It's olive oil and lemon juice.

Anyway, Eli has been doing such amazing things. He is just over 6 weeks and can hold his head up for like a minute. He can also put so much weight on his legs already. I swear this kid will be walking before 6 months! Ok maybe not and maybe I don't want him to walk that soon (trouble!) but he sure is progressing so fast!

He gave Grandma the HUGEST smile for her birthday yesterday. His whole face lit up with a smile. And earlier today he laughed while smiling, it was so adorable. Also I swear he said hi today. I was lifting him up and was saying something along the lines of "lifting you up highhhh!" and I swear he copied me and said, "hi." So adorable!!!!

Anyway, I need to go feed a crying babe since I'm feeling well enough to do so. I've been feeling so guilty that I haven't been able to be there for him all the time since I've been so sick. It's so difficult. But I just have to take everything as it goes, it's all meant to be and you can only do what you can do, right? Until next time!

Rough Week

Well, it's been an interesting week for our family. My husband lost his job so we will both be on EI soon. He is quite happy overall though since he planned on making his part time self-employed job his full time job within two years. He is stoked he can concentrate on building his business now. I admire his enthusiasm and really want to support him but at the same time I can't help but be worried. We stretched ourselves so thin by buying a house and financing a new car (since ours was stolen and used as a down payment on the house). As it was I was planning on going back to work one day a week to pay for the car payment. So our agreement is he has a month and a half to see what he can do and if he can't make much he will get a full time job, if he can make a bit of money but not quite enough, he will get a part time job. It's weird how calm we are when these types of situations are thrown at us. I really do have faith and trust that everything is meant to happen. It's all just experiences but it is kind of a poor time for it all. 2 days short of Eli's first month on this side of the womb.

It's been amazing having him home all the time though. I really hope he can make this business work. He has so much fun doing it and I'd love him to be happy with what he's doing for a living and the flexibility it offers our family is amazing! It would also mean we could easily work out child minding without daycare once I'm back at work full time. So all in all a crazy up and down week for us.

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. It's hard in a way having Justin home and not working a 9 to 5 job in the fact that I feel like he should be helping more but I know he's working on making money just in a different way than before. Eli has been very clingy. He seems to only want mom. I feel bad for hubby because he only gets him when I need a break and he's all fussy. He says he's trying to be unattached from him to deal with the crying baby in his arms because of it and I think it's making things worse. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I sure hope it passes because he can't be always in mom's arms. And I cannot let him just cry in his cradle, that's just too heartbreaking and unnecessary as far as I'm concerned.

He's also been eating SO much again. He must be doing a huge growth spurt again. This is definitely taxing on my body and my sleep and mental health. I'm feeling depressed overall. I think I may be suffering from some post-partum blues. I'm just not feeling like doing anything. Just watching tv mostly. When I get a chance to leave the house I feel like I struggle back and forth whether I should go and most of the time I can make myself leave but it's definitely hard since it's safer and more familiar just to sit on the couch with Eli right next to me.

That's another thing that is confusing my husband, the fact that I can't wait to have a break but once I get it, it's really hard to give the little fellow up. I love him so much! Oh and I had another first moment the other day. It may sound bad that it took me over a month to feel this but I don't care, it was possibly just the first time I thought of it. I had my first "I LOVE being a mom" feeling. I was sitting on the couch watching tv, surprise surprise, and I had him on my chest, sleeping, and we were basically hugging. It was just amazing, I almost cried.

So these are a few of the things I've been dealing with this week. I think I might need to get out to a parents group or something. It'll be so great when my best friend finally has her baby. I'm hoping it'll be this week! She was due exactly two weeks after me and my due date finally rolled around yesterday so it should be anytime for her. So exciting!

Ok well I'm going to go for now, wish me luck in those baby blues!

Immunizations

Well I have more proof that my son is an eating machine! He is now 8 pounds 3 ounces which means he gained nearly a pound and a half in 12 days. I also can't believe he's going to be a month old on Friday.... a whole month!!!! Where did that month go?!?!

My midwife appointment went great, we're both still perfectly happy and healthy! Which brings me to my hot topic today: Immunizations.

My midwife suggested a book called:

Vaccinations: A thoughtful parent's guide: How to make safe, sensible decisions about the risks, benefits and alternatives

She said it was the most balanced book on immunizations. My hubby is against them and I feel like we should possibly get some done. My midwife also told me that you can put them off until 6 months too if that feels better to you since their immune systems will be more developed. Hubby and I are excited to read this book, we take great pride in making decisions based on knowledge rather than fear. I believe not getting vaccines because you are afraid of what's in them is just as bad as getting the vaccines because you are afraid that your kid will get the disease.

So that is my food for thought for today. I will tell you one thing Eli will not be getting the chicken pox vaccine. There is no need, he will just go over to a friend's house and be itchy for 3 days. I had them at 19 and it was the sickest I have ever been. If for any reason he doesn't get them by age 10 I would consider it because he does not need to go through that pain.

On a lighter, brighter note, we got our sneak a peek for Eli's first photo-shoot. I'd like to share with you everyone's favorite. My smiley little angel :) Goodnight!

Co-Sleeping & Eli's Story

Well our sleeping has been getting a bit better, hopefully for good. Hubby has been doing his feed between 10pm-12am and then I usually have to feed at 2 or 3am and 5 or 6am. Eli has been sleeping in a little cat bed in our bed and he does after Hubby's feed but from my first feed till morning I usually bring him out and just have him right next to me. Then I barely have to even wake up! I was definitely nervous at first about all the "co-sleeping nightmares" people tell me and what I've read online and in books. But I find myself very aware of sleeping next to him even when I'm awake. When I wake up I usually haven't moved one muscle since falling asleep. Plus I get more sleep so I'm less tired and the number one problem with co-sleeping is being so tired you aren't aware of your child next to you. I'm still a bit nervous about it but it's been working and he makes so much less noise and seems so much happier sleeping next to mom.

I love weekends. Hubby will usually do the mid-sleep diaper change for me and then first thing in the morning he always stays in bed with Eli and has Daddy-Son time while I can go feed our ferrets, have a shower, pump some breast milk or even have a minute to myself! Then we always go for a Saturday walk as a family which is so beautiful, it's been beautiful sunny spring weather for it too! I think Eli is doing some serious growing because he has been sleeping so much today! He has been going 4 hours between every feeding which is twice as long as what he was doing. We actually had to wake him up to eat at his last feeding! Crazy! Hopefully it lasts through the night too. Maybe he is getting used to going longer between feedings or he's getting more food per feeding. Whatever it is I hope it lasts!

So I never did end up writing the Eli story or to be corny "The Book of Eli".

First I must tell you about the chiropractic curse of the Hebert family. Justin's mother went into labour with both of her boys the night after going to the chiropractor. My hip was out and keeping me from sleep so I made a chiropractor appointment thinking the curse won't effect me it's way too early, Teresa went 2 days before her due date so that's why it happened. So I got an adjustment on the Wednesday and everything started happening Thursday night.

I was 35 weeks pregnant and 4 days and was having some pains in my pelvis throughout the night but I had been having the hip issues so I thought it was related to that and it wasn't keeping me awake so it didn't even occur to me that it could be contractions. Then at 4:49am my water broke. That was a huge surprise! Telling m hubby was scary and hilarious. I will never forget how he jumped out of bed going, "what? how is that possible?" So we paged my midwife, and didn't hear back in the 10 minutes, so we paged again. I'll never forget the fear and uncertainty as my hubby and I just sat on the couch cuddled together in silence. We were not ready, we had just moved into our new house 12 days before (I had unpacked the last two boxes that night before). Also I knew that if you are under 36 weeks our hospital will not deliver you here and you could be transferred anywhere across BC or possibly even Seattle and the husband has to find his own way.

So with all that weighing on our shoulders our midwife told us to head to the hospital, pretty much unbelieving that my water had broken. I mean what else could that be? I was pretty sure. We got to the hospital at about 6am and I updated my hospital card and my Hubby paid for parking. We made our way up to maternity and they hooked me up to the heart monitor. My midwife arrived at 6:30am and checked me over and told me I was 3-4 cm dilated and she could see hair! They told my husband to go check me in officially into the hospital and then paged the Obstetrician and Pediatrician coming on shift which would have to be present since I was delivering so early. By the time my husband got back I was feeling like I wanted to push and sure enough I was 10 cm! We called my best friend who's a maternity nurse and was supposed to be present at the birth and basically told her don't do more than brush your teeth or you're not going to make it! I had to wait for everyone to arrive which took about until 7:20 or so and we were being told "It's a boy!" at 7:59am.

They checked him over so I didn't get to hold him immediately but both Justin (hubby) and Erin said he looked like an Eli so it was done. The middle name took longer but my husband and I both at the same time decided on Alexander which is my dad's middle name as well. I think he was pretty touched at that tribute.

I quite honestly did not mind labour. I wouldn't say it hurt, it was definitely uncomfortable and it was like the hardest workout ever for how hard you have to work and push. Honestly the hardest part is between weeks 2 and 3 when the surviving on love period ends and you realize how tired you are! Apparently about a minute after it was all done I even said, "yup, I could definitely do that a couple more times." That was a first to hear so close to labour for many of the people in the room I was told.

Eli was premature but he was 19.5 inches long and 6 lbs 8 oz which is respectable for a term baby. Right away they told us the earliest we could leave would be Sunday which was 2 nights in the hospital. We were disappointed but understanding due to how early he was. They were worried about a heart murmur they heard which is normal in premie babies due to a valve that still needs to close. But to be sure they wanted to do a chest x-ray and and ECG. They also did a newborn hearing screening. He passed both the ECG and x-ray as well as the Bili Rubin (spelling?) test for jaundice but they could not get a hearing reading probably due to fluid in the ears. On sunday they told us that they really wanted to check out one more test for his heart, an echo-cardio gram, and if we stayed one more night we'd get in the next morning but if we went home it would be weeks. We were upset since we thought we could go home and the test was only precautionary anyway but we gave in and stayed. The next morning after the echo-cardio gram they told us he was borderline jaundice and it wouldn't normally be a problem but since he was early they wanted to put him under the lights for a day and night. By this time we were so sick of hearing... "you can probably go home tomorrow" and "just to be safe". We had a bit of a breakdown and I will never forget that night cuddling on Justin's cot looking up at the incubator at our little boy. Finally the next day he passed his jaundice test and we were given the go ahead to go home since his echo-cardio gram was fine as well. I don't mean to take away all the good that the nurses and doctors do at the hospital it's just my husband and I feel like we live in a different world for the medical world. We believe Eli was on time rather than early. He was the right weight and he was ready and he knew it. We believe that everything will be fine and the doctors always want to run that extra test... just in case. So I really do appreciate all they did for us and despite the inconvenience at the time I'm quite ready to love the experience and let it go. It was all meant to unravel that way.

Eli's growing like a weed! I'm excited to see how much more he's gained at my next midwife appointment on Tuesday. He was past his birth weight by 9 days weighing 6 lbs 9.5 oz. Then 3 days later he was at 6 lbs 13 oz. I'm sure he's near 8 lbs no for sure. It makes sense really, we're approaching his due date. I'm pretty thankful that I don't have to deliver him at my due date since he'll at least be 8 lbs if not more! This worked out much better!!

Well I've written over 2 posts worth now so I think I will end it here. We did our newborn photos yesterday so I'm so curious to see those and hopefully post a few on here!

Goodnight for now!

Baby Haze

It's so strange how your life turns into a big hazy dream after having a baby. Thoughts come and go through your head like a drop of water getting lost into the big river below. I really need to start making lists as soon as I think of something.

Eli is going through a phase of I'm going to eat every hour or two and scream if this does not happen. In between feedings I'm going to make loud grunting noises every 5-10 minutes. This basically means I have not slept in a few days. I thought I had it all worked out but I'm learning quickly that what works one night will likely only work one night. I went to bed at 10pm one night leaving my hubby to feed with a bottle around midnight. Then I woke up for the next feeding at 2am-3am, slept in our spare bedroom with Eli out in the living room in his cradle with my video baby monitor on. I was in the next room so I could hear him without volume and glance at the monitor to see if I actually needed to get up. Then I got up for a 5:30-6am feeding and both of us went back to hubby and I's bed for a couple more hours of sleep and hubby did a 7:30-8:00 feeding. This was amazing and I felt so rested. Happened only once. Now I'm suffering big time with no sleep. My mom came over to watch him for a couple hours and I managed an hour and a half nap but my poor mom had to rock him the entire time in his cradle.

He's also all of a sudden having latching issues. I'm not sure why it's all happening at once but I'm feeling like I'm going a bit crazy. I can't seem to make enough milk to start storing for times when my nipples are too sore or for hubby to feed him and I don't get it. I pump befor or after pretty much every feeding during the day. And I basically breast feed every time he's hungry minus one maybe, usually the one right before bed when I'm going crazy from lack of sleep. I'm also feeling fat. I fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans but definitely not comfortably which means I don't wear them. So it's yoga pants all the time for me. I'm an "eat my feelings" type of gal and not getting any sleep and feeling sorry for myself equals me sitting on my butt all day and snacking. I really actually enjoyed being pregnant because I only gained a little bit of weight (a healthy amount) and I didn't have to feel guilty about my daily latte (decaf of course, even now because caffeine makes him go CRAZY!)

Eli is 3 weeks old today and I feel like things are slowly getting harder rather than easier. I complained in my facebook status about lack of sleep, actually you can hardly call it complaining, I simply wrote: "sleep would be nice", and I get all these parents saying that's why I co-sleep it's easy or get used to not sleeping, or it's worth it, stick it out. First of all, obviously I'm going to stick it out, what am I going to do quit? I love this guy, he could put me through complete misery and I would still love him more than anything. And I know it's worth it! Otherwise I would never have gotten into the baby making business. Secondly, I know I'm not going to get the sleep I used to but I don't see why I couldn't get an hour even on the worst nights, and I was just venting anyway so don't patronize me with silly cliches like you'll never sleep again! Thirdly, I AM co-sleeping, he's just been keeping us up all night with his noises every 5 minutes that I was trying some new things. Ok, so apparently I'm a bit touchy tonight, I know all those people mean well, I'm just over tired and emotional. Love it and let it go, right?

Well I think this blog is therapeutic, I am already feeling a bit better. I think since it's friday night I'm going to try out the co-sleeping in our bed again, if I have to be up it would be nice to have company and he doesn't have to work on weekends!

We're doing our newborn pictures tomorrow and I'm afraid that Eli is not going to be cooperative and is just going to scream the whole time. That could be pretty embarrassing so instead I'm going to hope for the best rather than the worst.

The last thing on my mind is whether or not to buy disposable wipes and liners for our cloth diapers. He will actually fit them soon! My problem with those is that they are as bad as disposable diapers but at the same time the liners will help the diapers last longer which is good. The wipes are just easier for going out in public so I may just use those for that, plus I got some from my shower that are more natural so it's more of a waste just to throw them out than to use them.

Ok well I am of course tired and thinking our son may be full for a bit. A girl can hope right?

Good night, with hope!

Welcome!

I was talking with my friend Erin the other day and she asked me whether I had a baby book for my newborn Eli. I've heard so many stories on how the first born's baby book is filled out completely or nearly so and each subsequent child's is less or even non-existent. This makes me sad so I was thinking it may be easier to just blog it. I spend hours on the computer every day anyway, I may as well do something useful. I do enjoy writing anyway.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. Eli is 19 days old now. I think this will also help me express feelings I may otherwise not have an outlet for. Everyone tells you how amazing it's going to be and you truly can't comprehend it until he's here in your arms. The love you can have for this tiny being is just extraordinary. Everyone also tells you how hard the first few weeks and months are and it is also impossible to comprehend this until you are living it. I've always been a fan of my sleep and the first two weeks were easy, apparently I was running on love. Now, however, the weeks of broken sleep are catching up with me in a harsh way. It's very hard to figure out a routine especially with my husband back at work. I feel guilty letting him do anything during the night since he has to go to work the next day yet, at the same time, I feel resentful since what I am doing is work. Most of it does involve sitting on my butt in front of the tv while breastfeeding but still it's work, it takes a lot out of a person. Plus I am not good at napping during the day apparently. Also by the time my husband gets home from work and we eat dinner I'm ready to go to sleep so I don't see much of him during the week. I feel a bit lonely which is silly cuz my friend Erin has been to visit me a bunch and my mom comes over nearly everyday to help, bless her!! Anyway, I will get more in depth on this tomorrow. I should also probably add in the details about how little Eli came into this world and all his stats. Right now though, hubby has offered to bottle feed so I'm going to try and catch the elusive 40 winks. Maybe Eli will make it to 2am before needing more food, that would give me 3.5 whole hours! Darn cluster feeding. Goodnight, I hope.