Sacrifice is not a word I'm fond of but I've been thinking about a mother's sacrifice a lot lately. What we put our body's through being pregnant, what we go through in the birthing process and then how our body remains this alien vessel of not quite feeling like yours during milk production. If you have 3 kids and breast feed between all kids, in reality there could be a 10 year period where your body is on loan if you have 3 kids like we want.
And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned. You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.
My husband works a lot. Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that. But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son. It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant. So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no. Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy! Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.
I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way. I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see. Then it's like a week before and it's happening. To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore. By 7pm I'm cranky and tired. Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy. I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing? Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice. I would give anything to be able to be at that training too. He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.
So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice. I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget. Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did. I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift. And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice. Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.
I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers. Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them. It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish. So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes. I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.
I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am. It is very interesting being this pregnant. Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work. This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month. It's definitely unnerving. But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards. I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.
We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over. I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.
I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women. I really am not suffering much. I just wonder what last nights practice session was about. Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week. Is baby preparing? I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!
Thanks for listening virtual world! Maybe I can sleep now!
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