Well faithful readers! Our third anniversary of this blog has rolled around. I have a three year old, very hard to believe. Most days are hectic, crazy and full of yelling and laughter. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a vortex of craziness and that I'm just watching myself go through the motions going, "oh, you shouldn't have done that," "why aren't you handling this better?" "Have more patience!" "You're not really a very good mom."
A few wise people have said to me that the best sign that you are a good mom is the constant worry that you are a bad mom. I hope this is true.
Sometimes my handling skills need a tune up. Lately I've been finding I have three ways of dealing with my children when they are not acting ideally:
1) Patience - calm voice, reasoning skills, teaching with love.
2) Mount Vesuvius - explosive, lashing out, listen now or else.
3) Escape into the Abyss - deep inward withdrawl, sometimes locking myself in a room sometimes just mentally escaping.
Obviously #1 is the best answer but let's face it, not always going to happen. Out of #2 and #3 I'm not sure which is scarier to be honest. Perhaps sometimes I get a little too rough physically with #2 by grabbing an arm or pushing Eli off his younger brother, but #3 I just don't even recognize myself. Withdrawing from the situation is one thing but I feel cold and emotionless when this happens. It's much more peaceful than the out of control spiral of Option #2, but it almost feels like the eye of the storm and the worst is still yet to come. Eventually I will have to deal with those emotions. But sometimes It's what I need to centre and come back to the situation with a fresh outlook. At least that's what happens when I withdraw properly, not just avoid. Otherwise I'm back quicker than I can say "Stop hitting your brother."
So all in all, what have I learned in three years of being a mom? Not a whole hell of a lot. I know to be more flexible in every aspect of my life. I know to always bring a change of clothes for everyone when I leave the house. I know if I don't bring the stroller I will need it and if I do bring it, likely it will end up just being a large, empty pushing device. I've learned a double jogging stroller is a waste of money because 2 kids and a 50lb stroller is way too much trouble to push while running. I've learned kids pick up every habit from you good and bad. I've learned that even after the worst day, when your child goes to sleep and you see them soundly sleeping you think you are the luckiest person in the world. Most importantly I've learned every kid is completely different and yet completely the same and love is always enough to carry you through.
I also have a new list I am working on. It's called "Things you think you shouldn't have to teach your 3 year old but you do". Here's a working sample, feel free to send me any other suggestions:
1) Don't touch the dog poop.
Enough said.
2) Food coming off a pot or pan will be hot still.
It's like the moment it hits the plate they think it's instantly cool enough to eat.
3) Don't stand on toys or they will break.
Yes, if you stand on your dollar store plastic wheel barrow it will snap. If you stand on your mega blocks they will break and take a one way ticket to garbage city.
4) If you are tired you should go to sleep.
Don't hit, don't whine, don't throw things. Go. To. Sleep!
5) Kissing it better only works when you hurt someone unintentionally.
You don't bite him so you can kiss it better!
Anyway, just a start, many more to come I'm sure. I'm also going to be posting "A year of Eli" blog post soon in commemoration of his third full revolution around the sun.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
2012!!!
There is about 8 hours left in 2012. Though by the time this is finished and edited it will likely be 2013 already.
I really like the look of 2013. Literally, it is pleasing to my eye. I also think it's going to be a kick ass year, though I heard that as a chinese new year pig I need to beware in the year of the snake. Meh.
Looking back at my resolutions from last year I really believe I did it.
I spent more time doing what I need to do, odd yoga classes here and there, doing the training for the Sun Run and the Run itself, going to the Vancouver Yoga Conference.
I let the universe move us exactly when we were supposed to into exactly the right house for all of us.
I parented from the heart with my boys! Always a struggle but always something to work on.
I changed my mind set on money and we had very few issues this year. We truly do have enough money.
Now down to details of 2012.
January was an interesting month. Justin decided to leave his job, scary! But really good for him. Those crazy all nighters were starting to have side effects on him. We also celebrated Justin's 30th birthday with a big surprise of pasta dinner with salads and garlic breads and good friends and family. This dinner has been lovingly referred to ever since as "Justin's birthday dinner meal". I started my sun run clinic too. I believe Ozzy rolled over in January as well.
February Eli turned 2 and we had a big party with his best buds (and ours too!) Justin started his new job working out of Kelowna with his brother and best friend. The commute is hard but the job is good. I also ended up back at work at Christine Duncan's at the end of February due to some sad health issues with a dear friend of mine.
March brought a sold house for us! It also brought lots of soul searching on what I wanted to do for money and a job.
In April I took a job at a law firm in town and lasted three whole days before quitting. It was just not a healthy thing for me to be doing any more. I almost immediately got a job at Fruv Freedomwear. Much more perfect for me. I love yoga and fashion afterall! It also brought us to the emergency room twice for concussions and a huge split to the head for Eli (4 traumatic stitches later). I also ran the SUN RUN! Amazing with Tash, Deb and Lisa my good friends!! Ozzy also got his first two teeth.
In May Oz started sitting on his own. I worked, packed and made it so Justin could finish up his teacher training which he gradded from a day before we moved on..
June 1st Moving Day! It's been so awesome living with family. So nice to feel so close and connected to Justin's brother.
July was busy with outdoor activities and work. Eli finally got over his fear to play in the water, though not his dislike of water on his face or hair. Ozzy is pretty good in water! Ozzy also started crawling at the beginning of the month
August two awesome things! A wedding we got to MC and an amazing trip to the PNE, Ozzy's first! I also had what I would call my proudest moment of the year. I gradded from my SOYA 500 Hr Yoga Teacher Program. So happy, two fabulous years of amazing instruction and personal growth.
September was a big month in yoga because Justin, Marcel and I started teaching at ~And Beyond, a new yoga studio in town. So blessed to be involved with this venture. PopPop also moved into our big housing complex. So nice to have the back half have an inhabitant and Eli loves his PopPop time and I love the walks we all take together. We also found out this month that Ozzy is likely allergic to penicillin with his ear infection.
On October 1st Ozzy started walking by my dads standards of a few steps all together. We had an amazing feast with all our beautiful family both sides for thanksgiving! We went to a pumpkin patch as a family, so fun! Complete with gourd slingshot and corn and hay maze. At Halloween Ozzy was Elmo and Eli was Happy Feet's Mumble.
November I got to go to my Yoga Confernce in Vancouver and get a renewed sense of my purpose and spark in life. I had a great birthday and Ozzy turned 1! We had an Elmo and Cookie monster themed birthday party(ies!!!! three to be exact!)
December, my favorite month of the year has been fabulous. We did an activity advent calendar I created with something to do each day from Dec 1-24. It gathered a lot of attention on facebook and I will definitely do it again next year with a couple tweaks. We got to spend a lot of time with Uncle on his week off, lots of time with Grandma on her week off. Eli and Oz got to meet their G.G. (great grandma) who was here for Christmas. We visited the pool, ceramic/painting store, and watched lots of Christmas shows. Eli and I did Christmas Hampers with the Salvation Army with Grandpa and PopPop.
Much to my initial plan to boycott Santa a lovely letter from parent to child, changed my opinion and I decided the magic of Santa needed to be a part of our lives. We hosted Christmas Eve with Pizza and Christmas dinner, though I didn't cook the turkey. But I still found out how much work it is to pull of Christmas (all parts, not even just the meal). It was fun though to have our first Christmas where getting gifts were an option and I'm pleased we didn't go too overboard. It felt just right and we are so blessed!
Ozzy got his second bottom teeth this week and a molar popped through today so that's what he's been working on.
What an amazing year! 2013 should be too! I'm not totally sure if I will only skip one year of not having kids, there could be a child in 2013 but I'm going to leave that to the universe to figure out. My family makes me so happy, it's perfect.
As for my plan to ring in the new year? We are going to our favorite restaurant ever, the Wild Scallion for dinner after I get off work with Uncle, Grandma and PopPop. Then we will likely go home watch a movie and I will fall asleep and the fireworks will wake me up like last year, lol. What an alarm!
My resolutions? Good question.
1) Eat more food, less food-like products.
2) Run the Sun Run again, beat my time from last year.
3) Play with my kids more.
4) Start my book.
5) Continue with my daily yoga.
I think that covers my mind, body and soul! :)
Looking forward to hearing other's new years resolutions!
I really like the look of 2013. Literally, it is pleasing to my eye. I also think it's going to be a kick ass year, though I heard that as a chinese new year pig I need to beware in the year of the snake. Meh.
Looking back at my resolutions from last year I really believe I did it.
I spent more time doing what I need to do, odd yoga classes here and there, doing the training for the Sun Run and the Run itself, going to the Vancouver Yoga Conference.
I let the universe move us exactly when we were supposed to into exactly the right house for all of us.
I parented from the heart with my boys! Always a struggle but always something to work on.
I changed my mind set on money and we had very few issues this year. We truly do have enough money.
Now down to details of 2012.
January was an interesting month. Justin decided to leave his job, scary! But really good for him. Those crazy all nighters were starting to have side effects on him. We also celebrated Justin's 30th birthday with a big surprise of pasta dinner with salads and garlic breads and good friends and family. This dinner has been lovingly referred to ever since as "Justin's birthday dinner meal". I started my sun run clinic too. I believe Ozzy rolled over in January as well.
February Eli turned 2 and we had a big party with his best buds (and ours too!) Justin started his new job working out of Kelowna with his brother and best friend. The commute is hard but the job is good. I also ended up back at work at Christine Duncan's at the end of February due to some sad health issues with a dear friend of mine.
March brought a sold house for us! It also brought lots of soul searching on what I wanted to do for money and a job.
In April I took a job at a law firm in town and lasted three whole days before quitting. It was just not a healthy thing for me to be doing any more. I almost immediately got a job at Fruv Freedomwear. Much more perfect for me. I love yoga and fashion afterall! It also brought us to the emergency room twice for concussions and a huge split to the head for Eli (4 traumatic stitches later). I also ran the SUN RUN! Amazing with Tash, Deb and Lisa my good friends!! Ozzy also got his first two teeth.
In May Oz started sitting on his own. I worked, packed and made it so Justin could finish up his teacher training which he gradded from a day before we moved on..
June 1st Moving Day! It's been so awesome living with family. So nice to feel so close and connected to Justin's brother.
July was busy with outdoor activities and work. Eli finally got over his fear to play in the water, though not his dislike of water on his face or hair. Ozzy is pretty good in water! Ozzy also started crawling at the beginning of the month
August two awesome things! A wedding we got to MC and an amazing trip to the PNE, Ozzy's first! I also had what I would call my proudest moment of the year. I gradded from my SOYA 500 Hr Yoga Teacher Program. So happy, two fabulous years of amazing instruction and personal growth.
September was a big month in yoga because Justin, Marcel and I started teaching at ~And Beyond, a new yoga studio in town. So blessed to be involved with this venture. PopPop also moved into our big housing complex. So nice to have the back half have an inhabitant and Eli loves his PopPop time and I love the walks we all take together. We also found out this month that Ozzy is likely allergic to penicillin with his ear infection.
On October 1st Ozzy started walking by my dads standards of a few steps all together. We had an amazing feast with all our beautiful family both sides for thanksgiving! We went to a pumpkin patch as a family, so fun! Complete with gourd slingshot and corn and hay maze. At Halloween Ozzy was Elmo and Eli was Happy Feet's Mumble.
November I got to go to my Yoga Confernce in Vancouver and get a renewed sense of my purpose and spark in life. I had a great birthday and Ozzy turned 1! We had an Elmo and Cookie monster themed birthday party(ies!!!! three to be exact!)
December, my favorite month of the year has been fabulous. We did an activity advent calendar I created with something to do each day from Dec 1-24. It gathered a lot of attention on facebook and I will definitely do it again next year with a couple tweaks. We got to spend a lot of time with Uncle on his week off, lots of time with Grandma on her week off. Eli and Oz got to meet their G.G. (great grandma) who was here for Christmas. We visited the pool, ceramic/painting store, and watched lots of Christmas shows. Eli and I did Christmas Hampers with the Salvation Army with Grandpa and PopPop.
Much to my initial plan to boycott Santa a lovely letter from parent to child, changed my opinion and I decided the magic of Santa needed to be a part of our lives. We hosted Christmas Eve with Pizza and Christmas dinner, though I didn't cook the turkey. But I still found out how much work it is to pull of Christmas (all parts, not even just the meal). It was fun though to have our first Christmas where getting gifts were an option and I'm pleased we didn't go too overboard. It felt just right and we are so blessed!
Ozzy got his second bottom teeth this week and a molar popped through today so that's what he's been working on.
What an amazing year! 2013 should be too! I'm not totally sure if I will only skip one year of not having kids, there could be a child in 2013 but I'm going to leave that to the universe to figure out. My family makes me so happy, it's perfect.
As for my plan to ring in the new year? We are going to our favorite restaurant ever, the Wild Scallion for dinner after I get off work with Uncle, Grandma and PopPop. Then we will likely go home watch a movie and I will fall asleep and the fireworks will wake me up like last year, lol. What an alarm!
My resolutions? Good question.
1) Eat more food, less food-like products.
2) Run the Sun Run again, beat my time from last year.
3) Play with my kids more.
4) Start my book.
5) Continue with my daily yoga.
I think that covers my mind, body and soul! :)
Looking forward to hearing other's new years resolutions!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Baby Oz is 1!
Yesterday my little babiest baby boy turned a whole year old. A whole year of Oz-bert!
So here he is, a year full of Ozzy.
The great and powerful Oz! Minutes old!
I cannot say enough about this wonderful soul in my life!
His spiritual name Jot Prakash Singh says it all, he's the lion who's alight with the light of god and breaking dawn. I knew the first time I looked into his eyes that he was full of light and powerful, captivating energy.
Ozzy 1 month old.
His first Christmas was quiet but special, he was quick to smile too!
Ozzy 2 months old.
He had a strong head and neck from day one and rolled over pretty quickly.
Ozzy 3 months old.
He also smiled early, though he was camera shy for it and looks more tired here...
Ozzy 4 months old.
He also laughed really early :)
Ozzy 5 months old.
He also jolly jumped really early!
And got teeth really early at 5 months (ouch!)
Ozzy 6 months old.
At 6 months it was apparent, we had a comedian on our hands, loves to make people laugh, gets a charge out of it actually!
He also sat up on his own just short of 6 months.
Oz survived our first family move at 6.5 months! It was hard to leave the house he was born in but mommy survived :(
He also thinks Elmo is hilarious.
Ozzy 7 months old.
Though we started giving him food at 7 months, he hated being fed by a spoon, we got creative and gave him mushy finger foods which were very messy for mom and dad...
He began crawling at 7.5 months!
Ozzy 8 months old.
Just like his brother a couple days after he started crawling he pulled himself up, loving his noisy fridge magnets!
By 8.5 months he was pushing away from things and standing on his own!
Summer was good but he didn't love the water as much as we hoped he would. But he didn't hate it as much as Eli either. Win!
Ozzy 9 months old.
Goo's first PNE was a success and he was a much better road companion than his brother despite that he doesn't much like his car seat.
He also said his first word Mama!
Ozzy 10 months old.
Ozzy is starting to come around to food, it's not a ridiculous struggle but with his 6 teeth (twice as many as Eli at this age) he still eats barely anything at best half of what Eli did.
At 10.5 months (October 1st) he took his first "set" of steps (9 to be exact). Which according to my Dad is officially walking!
Ozzy 11 months old.
Ozzy is incredibly independent and loves playing on his own with his kitchen, fake food, and wooden spoon! He will freak out if you take his spoon away.
He also loves any toys that spin.
At 11 months he added Baba and Dada to his vocabulary! As well as what Mama swears is 'Duck'!
Ozzy on his first birthday!
Our baby boy is 1 year old!
Weighing in at 26 lbs and measuring 29.25 inches!
We cannot imagine our lives without our little ray of light!
We love you forever and always Ozzy!
xoxoxoxo
The great and powerful Oz! Minutes old!
I cannot say enough about this wonderful soul in my life!
His spiritual name Jot Prakash Singh says it all, he's the lion who's alight with the light of god and breaking dawn. I knew the first time I looked into his eyes that he was full of light and powerful, captivating energy.
Ozzy 1 month old.
His first Christmas was quiet but special, he was quick to smile too!
Ozzy 2 months old.
He had a strong head and neck from day one and rolled over pretty quickly.
Ozzy 3 months old.
He also smiled early, though he was camera shy for it and looks more tired here...
Ozzy 4 months old.
He also laughed really early :)
Ozzy 5 months old.
He also jolly jumped really early!
And got teeth really early at 5 months (ouch!)
Ozzy 6 months old.
At 6 months it was apparent, we had a comedian on our hands, loves to make people laugh, gets a charge out of it actually!
He also sat up on his own just short of 6 months.
Oz survived our first family move at 6.5 months! It was hard to leave the house he was born in but mommy survived :(
He also thinks Elmo is hilarious.
Ozzy 7 months old.
Though we started giving him food at 7 months, he hated being fed by a spoon, we got creative and gave him mushy finger foods which were very messy for mom and dad...
He began crawling at 7.5 months!
Ozzy 8 months old.
Just like his brother a couple days after he started crawling he pulled himself up, loving his noisy fridge magnets!
By 8.5 months he was pushing away from things and standing on his own!
Summer was good but he didn't love the water as much as we hoped he would. But he didn't hate it as much as Eli either. Win!
Ozzy 9 months old.
Goo's first PNE was a success and he was a much better road companion than his brother despite that he doesn't much like his car seat.
He also said his first word Mama!
Ozzy is starting to come around to food, it's not a ridiculous struggle but with his 6 teeth (twice as many as Eli at this age) he still eats barely anything at best half of what Eli did.
At 10.5 months (October 1st) he took his first "set" of steps (9 to be exact). Which according to my Dad is officially walking!
Ozzy 11 months old.
Ozzy is incredibly independent and loves playing on his own with his kitchen, fake food, and wooden spoon! He will freak out if you take his spoon away.
He also loves any toys that spin.
At 11 months he added Baba and Dada to his vocabulary! As well as what Mama swears is 'Duck'!
Ozzy on his first birthday!
Our baby boy is 1 year old!
Weighing in at 26 lbs and measuring 29.25 inches!
We cannot imagine our lives without our little ray of light!
We love you forever and always Ozzy!
xoxoxoxo
Monday, November 12, 2012
Healing
I turned 29 today. I had an amazing birthday.
I had the privilege of going to Vancouver for a yoga conference this weekend and having all the wonderful people in my life come together to make it happen. I had an amazing childcare team in Penticton and my Dad drove me there and back through some pretty terrible weather too on the way home.
I went into this weekend expecting to learn a lot about how to teach yoga a little better. However, what I actually received from this weekend was a little different. It was more of a self-discovery weekend than anything, but that could be the best way to become a better teacher I bet.
When my Dad dropped me off at Vancouver Convention Centre I'll be totally frank, I was vibrating with nervous, excited energy, to the point where my teeth were actually chattering. I looked around the wonderful floor show and showed off my new yoga bag my mom made me for my birthday. Then I had an interesting encounter with a corner that seemed to bring people I needed to me. Then it was time for my first session.
My first yoga session was Heartrise Yoga for Teens. I wanted to take their yoga for kids session which was a 6 hour intensive but it conflicted with my prenatal yoga intensive so I wanted to check out the teen yoga at least. I was not disappointed. It brought me back to the feelings of being a teenager and also made me realize a lot of things about myself. I had always thought I was just a "good kid" in high school and a bit of a follower but I never realized I was simply a late bloomer. It took me longer to find myself and I am still finding out who I am. I didn't rebel against my parents ideals until well into my twenties and rebelling for me simply meant becoming vegetarian and deciding I wanted to choose to do things differently in my life than them, or look at some things differently.
My second session was on yoga for chronic back pain and I tell you, lugging my 25 lb, gigantic bag into the room felt a bit counter-intuitive and ironic. In here I learned so much about the pain process and how the body reacts on such a neurological level to turn emotions into physical sensations. I felt a renewed sense that the terrible sciatica I was having and continue to have is emotional manifestation in my body and also that I have the ability to do something about it. The body's primal reaction to pain is to keep safe and not change but when it's emotions and not actual physical danger involved the best thing is to create change. My main emotion that I'm storing is fear. Fear that my pain will never go away, fear that I am not enough of a help to everyone when I'm in pain, fear that without the pain no one will love me or take care of me, fear that it will always be this way.
I then had a fantastic dinner and visit with my amazing friend who put me up for the night, had a decent sleep though lots of sciatic pain and engorgement despite pumping. My body definitely missed Ozzy.
Being in Vancouver always reminds me of the first time I was on my own in life. I had always been dependent on my parents or friends or Justin and once we moved to Vancouver and Justin was attending a different school for the majority of the day I was left to create my own life. I spent a lot of time on transit, drinking coffees, listening to music and doing some self-discovery. It also brings me back to life before kids, when it was more care-free and just Justin and I enjoying each other. The freedom felt amazing, especially since I was so excited to be attending this conference with no distractions from my everyday life. The only time I even felt connected to that life was my choice through texting and a brief phone call. It felt a little selfish, a little guilty and a little fun. It was also a little lonely and displaced feeling. But it gave me an opportunity to think of what I would like to do with my life if I wasn't having to take care of a family.
My next session was Restorative Yoga Therepuetics for Emotional and Mental Healing. Also amazing insight into the pain process and how restorative yoga can help. It made me realize how important restorative yoga is to everyone, especially me, and if I couldn't do any other yoga in my life I need to be doing this one. I will be finding a class to take asap. It also made me realize how much I loved teaching restorative yoga. By letting your students go deep within in quiet stillness, they can actually begin to rewire their brain. Rewire tendencies, thoughts, body pain. I want more and more of this! I want to do Bo Forbes teacher training.
Finally I did my prenatal intensive and realized how much my kids teach me and my body teaches me and how much I already know about everything. How to let intuition into every part of your life, especially teaching.
I have a lot to integrate now. My experience of a single version of me needs to be combined with the family version of me. I need to be both of these people. I need to heal me, heal others, and be mom and wife. I need to fit in more training and education. It makes me so happy and at peace and close to my purpose of life. I want to help others heal themselves.
Once home, I definitely felt different. Things felt easier, more peaceful, more purposeful. As mom's we lose our purpose quite often into things that matter but at the same time don't matter such as running the household and raising the kids. What I'm realizing more and more though is that by taking care of my needs and purpose I am being a model to my children and living my truth and the rest of my life becomes easier and almost effortless. It's when I'm fighting those urges that things get harder and stressful.
So I sit here now pondering my next steps. I've been using my cane today, my body is a wreck. I'm just trying to be, and accept the pain. This is an experience. Big changes are afloat in my world. They will happen through subtle changes I will make as I retrain my mind to accepting myself for who I am and what I long to do in my life.
I have enough.
I do enough.
I am enough.
I had the privilege of going to Vancouver for a yoga conference this weekend and having all the wonderful people in my life come together to make it happen. I had an amazing childcare team in Penticton and my Dad drove me there and back through some pretty terrible weather too on the way home.
I went into this weekend expecting to learn a lot about how to teach yoga a little better. However, what I actually received from this weekend was a little different. It was more of a self-discovery weekend than anything, but that could be the best way to become a better teacher I bet.
When my Dad dropped me off at Vancouver Convention Centre I'll be totally frank, I was vibrating with nervous, excited energy, to the point where my teeth were actually chattering. I looked around the wonderful floor show and showed off my new yoga bag my mom made me for my birthday. Then I had an interesting encounter with a corner that seemed to bring people I needed to me. Then it was time for my first session.
My first yoga session was Heartrise Yoga for Teens. I wanted to take their yoga for kids session which was a 6 hour intensive but it conflicted with my prenatal yoga intensive so I wanted to check out the teen yoga at least. I was not disappointed. It brought me back to the feelings of being a teenager and also made me realize a lot of things about myself. I had always thought I was just a "good kid" in high school and a bit of a follower but I never realized I was simply a late bloomer. It took me longer to find myself and I am still finding out who I am. I didn't rebel against my parents ideals until well into my twenties and rebelling for me simply meant becoming vegetarian and deciding I wanted to choose to do things differently in my life than them, or look at some things differently.
My second session was on yoga for chronic back pain and I tell you, lugging my 25 lb, gigantic bag into the room felt a bit counter-intuitive and ironic. In here I learned so much about the pain process and how the body reacts on such a neurological level to turn emotions into physical sensations. I felt a renewed sense that the terrible sciatica I was having and continue to have is emotional manifestation in my body and also that I have the ability to do something about it. The body's primal reaction to pain is to keep safe and not change but when it's emotions and not actual physical danger involved the best thing is to create change. My main emotion that I'm storing is fear. Fear that my pain will never go away, fear that I am not enough of a help to everyone when I'm in pain, fear that without the pain no one will love me or take care of me, fear that it will always be this way.
I then had a fantastic dinner and visit with my amazing friend who put me up for the night, had a decent sleep though lots of sciatic pain and engorgement despite pumping. My body definitely missed Ozzy.
Being in Vancouver always reminds me of the first time I was on my own in life. I had always been dependent on my parents or friends or Justin and once we moved to Vancouver and Justin was attending a different school for the majority of the day I was left to create my own life. I spent a lot of time on transit, drinking coffees, listening to music and doing some self-discovery. It also brings me back to life before kids, when it was more care-free and just Justin and I enjoying each other. The freedom felt amazing, especially since I was so excited to be attending this conference with no distractions from my everyday life. The only time I even felt connected to that life was my choice through texting and a brief phone call. It felt a little selfish, a little guilty and a little fun. It was also a little lonely and displaced feeling. But it gave me an opportunity to think of what I would like to do with my life if I wasn't having to take care of a family.
My next session was Restorative Yoga Therepuetics for Emotional and Mental Healing. Also amazing insight into the pain process and how restorative yoga can help. It made me realize how important restorative yoga is to everyone, especially me, and if I couldn't do any other yoga in my life I need to be doing this one. I will be finding a class to take asap. It also made me realize how much I loved teaching restorative yoga. By letting your students go deep within in quiet stillness, they can actually begin to rewire their brain. Rewire tendencies, thoughts, body pain. I want more and more of this! I want to do Bo Forbes teacher training.
Finally I did my prenatal intensive and realized how much my kids teach me and my body teaches me and how much I already know about everything. How to let intuition into every part of your life, especially teaching.
I have a lot to integrate now. My experience of a single version of me needs to be combined with the family version of me. I need to be both of these people. I need to heal me, heal others, and be mom and wife. I need to fit in more training and education. It makes me so happy and at peace and close to my purpose of life. I want to help others heal themselves.
Once home, I definitely felt different. Things felt easier, more peaceful, more purposeful. As mom's we lose our purpose quite often into things that matter but at the same time don't matter such as running the household and raising the kids. What I'm realizing more and more though is that by taking care of my needs and purpose I am being a model to my children and living my truth and the rest of my life becomes easier and almost effortless. It's when I'm fighting those urges that things get harder and stressful.
So I sit here now pondering my next steps. I've been using my cane today, my body is a wreck. I'm just trying to be, and accept the pain. This is an experience. Big changes are afloat in my world. They will happen through subtle changes I will make as I retrain my mind to accepting myself for who I am and what I long to do in my life.
I have enough.
I do enough.
I am enough.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Ankylosing Spondylitis: Two loaded words
I've become very familiar with something they call the five stages of grief lately. Normally this is applied to losing a loved one. In a way I am losing a person I love, this person is just who I always thought I would be.
I don't mean to sound so depressing, instead of a sad story think of this story as a coming of age story. It's a long story so I will give you the Cole's Notes version.
It started in 2006 with bad sciatic pain and later that year I had to learn a lot about two words called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I took this diagnosis and tried lots of prescription drugs which did nothing but teach me about the side effects of those drugs. I was fed up and tried my own thing, boycotting this diagnosis. I suffered flares followed by remissions. And the flares became fewer and fewer. Until these past few months. After a couple years with my chiropractor, he asked aloud in one session, "why are you not getting any better?" Then he uttered two words I had erased from existence for years: Ankylosing Spondylitis. On a promise to my wonderful chiropractor I went to my GP to investigate. I ended up back with the same specialist albeit in a different office than 6 years ago with the same diagnosis.
I felt sad to be back at this point but honestly having this diagnosis makes me feel relieved. To explain this I need to tell you more about AS.
Ankylosing Spondylitis is an auto-immune, inflammatory form of arthritis. It starts in the sacroiliac joints to begin with in most cases. Then it progresses into the spine. It is characterized by sleepless nights from pain from lying down so long. There is extreme stiffness and pain in the morning that mostly works itself out within 2 hours or so. It can also be accompanied by enthesitis which is inflammation of the point where muscles and tendons meet bones like in your heel, ankles, knees, hips etc. It is also sometimes accompanied by iritis or uveitis which is inflammation in the eye, psoriasis and irritable bowel disease sometimes even chron's disease. It can eventually progress to a fusing of the spine.
So back to the 5 stages of grief. With the first diagnosis I hit Denial first, swept past the next two into Depression and then stopped back at Bargaining, maybe if I try this or that, or this diet change, then I backtracked further into Denial again and lived that way for a few years. I went straight to Depression this time around with a side of Acceptance and what I can only call Relief.
I say relief because it explains why I can't sleep at night and why I need to get up after four hours of lying down, sit up on the computer with a magic bag on my back until I get loosened up enough to lie down again.
It's why I crawl out of bed sometimes on my hands and knees in the morning and can barely lift my son to get his diaper changed.
It's why if I don't have a hot shower in the morning to help loosen my back my day is not quite the same.
It's why I get tired so quickly and sore so quickly.
It's why I let my parents, 30 years to my senior, lift the heavy things, do the heavy work, still take care of me at nearly 29 years old.
It's why sometimes I wake up and my ankle will be hurting so badly with no explanation. Or my knee or my hip, or my heel, or my wrist, etc.
It's why randomly I need a cane for a few weeks every few years.
It's why no amount of diet change or elimination of food groups eliminates my pain
So all in all I am not writing this in search of pity. I guess what I'm looking for is understanding and non-judgement, likely mostly from myself. Having a diagnosis at least makes me feel less misplaced or weird or at least have an explanation for friends and family for why I am not a typical healthy young woman.
So what I've decided is I accept the diagnosis, my body is working against me in this lifetime but it's still my choice how to deal with it. I am unsure of what course of action I will take after I'm done having my family and breastfeeding. The drugs suggested for me next called Biologics scare me pretty good and I have had my hate on for the medical system for so long. I am not discounting anything though. After seeing two of my husband's aunts recently both fighting for their lives, sisters only a year apart in age, one a chronic smoker and abuser of her body given the chance to turn her life around but continued to live it stubbornly, while the other healthy and happy given a diagnosis of ALS in May fighting, fighting hard with such dignity, grace, peace and happiness I feel inspired. I will not be stubborn in my life choices and miss out on my life. Whatever I decide is right for me I will go with it and give it my all. I am open to changing what I think is right for me at any time. Whether that is abstaining from prescription drugs and relying solely on exercise, or trying meditation or going into trials of biologics, it's my body and my choice.
RIP Auntie Gloria, may you be at peace and find eternal joy.
I don't mean to sound so depressing, instead of a sad story think of this story as a coming of age story. It's a long story so I will give you the Cole's Notes version.
It started in 2006 with bad sciatic pain and later that year I had to learn a lot about two words called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I took this diagnosis and tried lots of prescription drugs which did nothing but teach me about the side effects of those drugs. I was fed up and tried my own thing, boycotting this diagnosis. I suffered flares followed by remissions. And the flares became fewer and fewer. Until these past few months. After a couple years with my chiropractor, he asked aloud in one session, "why are you not getting any better?" Then he uttered two words I had erased from existence for years: Ankylosing Spondylitis. On a promise to my wonderful chiropractor I went to my GP to investigate. I ended up back with the same specialist albeit in a different office than 6 years ago with the same diagnosis.
I felt sad to be back at this point but honestly having this diagnosis makes me feel relieved. To explain this I need to tell you more about AS.
Ankylosing Spondylitis is an auto-immune, inflammatory form of arthritis. It starts in the sacroiliac joints to begin with in most cases. Then it progresses into the spine. It is characterized by sleepless nights from pain from lying down so long. There is extreme stiffness and pain in the morning that mostly works itself out within 2 hours or so. It can also be accompanied by enthesitis which is inflammation of the point where muscles and tendons meet bones like in your heel, ankles, knees, hips etc. It is also sometimes accompanied by iritis or uveitis which is inflammation in the eye, psoriasis and irritable bowel disease sometimes even chron's disease. It can eventually progress to a fusing of the spine.
So back to the 5 stages of grief. With the first diagnosis I hit Denial first, swept past the next two into Depression and then stopped back at Bargaining, maybe if I try this or that, or this diet change, then I backtracked further into Denial again and lived that way for a few years. I went straight to Depression this time around with a side of Acceptance and what I can only call Relief.
I say relief because it explains why I can't sleep at night and why I need to get up after four hours of lying down, sit up on the computer with a magic bag on my back until I get loosened up enough to lie down again.
It's why I crawl out of bed sometimes on my hands and knees in the morning and can barely lift my son to get his diaper changed.
It's why if I don't have a hot shower in the morning to help loosen my back my day is not quite the same.
It's why I get tired so quickly and sore so quickly.
It's why I let my parents, 30 years to my senior, lift the heavy things, do the heavy work, still take care of me at nearly 29 years old.
It's why sometimes I wake up and my ankle will be hurting so badly with no explanation. Or my knee or my hip, or my heel, or my wrist, etc.
It's why randomly I need a cane for a few weeks every few years.
It's why no amount of diet change or elimination of food groups eliminates my pain
So all in all I am not writing this in search of pity. I guess what I'm looking for is understanding and non-judgement, likely mostly from myself. Having a diagnosis at least makes me feel less misplaced or weird or at least have an explanation for friends and family for why I am not a typical healthy young woman.
So what I've decided is I accept the diagnosis, my body is working against me in this lifetime but it's still my choice how to deal with it. I am unsure of what course of action I will take after I'm done having my family and breastfeeding. The drugs suggested for me next called Biologics scare me pretty good and I have had my hate on for the medical system for so long. I am not discounting anything though. After seeing two of my husband's aunts recently both fighting for their lives, sisters only a year apart in age, one a chronic smoker and abuser of her body given the chance to turn her life around but continued to live it stubbornly, while the other healthy and happy given a diagnosis of ALS in May fighting, fighting hard with such dignity, grace, peace and happiness I feel inspired. I will not be stubborn in my life choices and miss out on my life. Whatever I decide is right for me I will go with it and give it my all. I am open to changing what I think is right for me at any time. Whether that is abstaining from prescription drugs and relying solely on exercise, or trying meditation or going into trials of biologics, it's my body and my choice.
RIP Auntie Gloria, may you be at peace and find eternal joy.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Oz man 10 month stats!
Howdy!
Not much to report here.
Here are Ozzy's 10 month Stats:
Weight: 25 lbs (back up from 23 when he was sick)
Height: 28.25 inches
We finally seem to all be well, knock wood!
We helped hubby's parents move into our fourplex, yay! Except now MIL needs a job here so she can stop commuting and living with her sister in law :(
My pain hit an all time low and now seems to be a bit better, I can make it through the day with very little pain now.
Here's a recap on everything I'm doing for my back:
Not much to report here.
Here are Ozzy's 10 month Stats:
Weight: 25 lbs (back up from 23 when he was sick)
Height: 28.25 inches
We finally seem to all be well, knock wood!
We helped hubby's parents move into our fourplex, yay! Except now MIL needs a job here so she can stop commuting and living with her sister in law :(
My pain hit an all time low and now seems to be a bit better, I can make it through the day with very little pain now.
Here's a recap on everything I'm doing for my back:
- I'm taking four RegeniFree a day (Univera anti-inflammatory agent)
- I'm taking Xtra (Univera product suggested for all, though I have been taking this for years now)
- I'm taking Iron (not for my back but for my energy)
- I took Bamboosa homeopathic treatment for 5 days as suggested by my Naturopath
- I'm on Week 4, day 2 of Dairy cleanse and Week 3, day 5 of Wheat cleanse
- I am starting physio with the hospital arthritis team on Wednesday
- Weekly chiropractic adjustments, which I've been doing anyway for months
My other remedies are 2 am dates with facebook and my magic bag, though those are only about every second night now.
I would like to be taking more Univera products but alas the cash flow is not currently available for that.
The problem with trying all these things is that it may hard to nail down what's helping if something does, in fact help.
I am also teaching yoga about 3 times a week which seems to be feeling good while in the past it may not have felt so good.
Lastly, I passed my road test so I can officially drive by meself! Horray freedom!
I'm going to get a few precious hours of sleep in now. I forgot to get Ozzy in a night time bum before bed so it's likely he will wake up wet and then wake up more when I change him so we may have a mid-sleep date coming.... *snore
Sweet Dreams! ~*~*~
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My List of Top 10 Things To Cherish Before Becoming a Mom
So like most days I was sitting on the couch zoning out today remembering what it was like before I had kids. Ok I'll be honest I wasn't on the couch, I was uhh... somewhere else but we'll get to that with #1.
I thought to myself, man, if someone told me how much I would miss doing something this little and seemingly insignificant back before I had kids I may have cherished it a little more, revelled in it even, perhaps. So this one's for you ladies! To all my girlfriends who do not have children yet but are planning on it, my very own list of:
I thought to myself, man, if someone told me how much I would miss doing something this little and seemingly insignificant back before I had kids I may have cherished it a little more, revelled in it even, perhaps. So this one's for you ladies! To all my girlfriends who do not have children yet but are planning on it, my very own list of:
Top 10 Things To Cherish Before Becoming A Mom:
- Going to the bathroom by yourself.
This was probably the one I had taken for granted the most before hand. I sat this morning in the bathroom looking down and Ozzy is hanging off one leg and Eli is sitting next to the other having dumped out their entire bucket of bath toys. There's playing, there's yelling, there's laughing. Who would have thought that the bathroom was the place to be? You do now! Treat it very special. - Sleeping in.
Now this one seems fairly obvious due to how much parents talk about being so tired but I'm not sure you all understand the gravity of the situation! Let me explain. If your child does not go to bed until 11pm, that's when you go to bed. Then you may be up at 12, 2, 5 and 6 (or more *gulp!) Then at 6:25 when you've just fallen back asleep, jr. decides it is time to rise and shine Mommy. If you are a lucky one you can sleep during the day "while the baby sleeps". If you are a normal person you feel too guilty or hungry or in need of a shower to do so. Staying out late and sleeping in until 10 or even 7:30 must be cherished! Please in fact sleep in until 7:30 tomorrow for me please? Then tell me how refreshed you are. No actually don't tell me, no one likes a bragger. - A shower longer than 5 minutes.
I used to have medium length showers. A long one would be about 12 minutes and that was definitely taking my time, leaving my conditioner in longer and throwing in a song or two for my fans. With kids any shower is wonderful, sometimes it's afternoon before you even get one and even then it's with the door open or a baby monitor crackling away and every 5 seconds you think "was that them? Is it over already?!" Even when your significant other, if you have one is home, the door usually remains open or you get to deal with the fists pounding at the door with wails of "Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" until you get frustrated enough to get out. So suds up! Sing or hum a song. Shave your legs extra carefully, they will be very patchy as soon as that kidlet comes out. - Spending time on facebook without feeling guilty.
Most of your facebook available time will now be spent when your child is sleeping so as I mentioned above it will also be the time when you can eat, shower, clean, sleep etc. Get used to guilt! It's all good, it's mainly just your expectations usually which would likely be better to let go of them anyway. If you do attempt to facebook with children awake it will most likely bring out the side of you that goes "WHATTTTTTTTTT?!" after the 71st "Mama?" or after about a minute of a baby hanging onto your leg crying. - Not being sick often and not going to the hospital often (or ever).
I don't know if this one is specific of boys or not but I have been to the Emergency room 3 times since my eldest son was born. Two episodes were within two weeks of each other. And he has also shocked himself twice and had more bandaids than I can count. Also more colds than I thought possible. There was a period of 2 months where it was cold after cold after cold. Before kids I was sick maybe once a year. Yeesh. Break out the neti pot! - Wearing clean clothes.
You will wear clean clothes as a mom but only for about 1 minute. The rest of the time you will be covered in a plethora of things, mostly bodily fluids and food, lots of food. You will be ready to leave the house, and excitedly hug your babe goodbye and boom, spit up city, all down the only wearable outside of the house outfit you had clean. Prepare to improvise! Oh and when your baby or child is sick prepare to be a human kleenex. So yes cherish the fact that you may only need to wash those favourite jeans every other wash rather than every day. - An uninterrupted meal.Eat slow while you can. Soon you will be shovelling to get finished before someone wakes up, makes a mess, or cries. In general you will not finish, you will be interrupted by some emergency so until then sit down, chew each bite 40 times, light some candles and enjoy yourself.
- Not having to share your food.This kind of goes with number 7 but I felt it needed its own dedication. You will slave to understand what your child wants to eat. You will cut it just the way they like it, you will stir things in at the correct time, in the correct order, you will put it on the correct plate of the correct color, on the correct mat, but the second you sit down with your food they will want nothing to do with theirs and sit in your lap while you feed them forkfuls. It reminds me of a Friends quote. "Joey. Doesn't. Share. Foooooood." I think it every time I give my son, the perfect bite of toast that I was saving for last for myself because he won't eat the crusts.
- Watching a movie from beginning to end in one sitting.
In my experience if you want to watch a movie, and by watch I mean understand the plot, hear what the characters are saying, and know the ending, it will take multiple attempts. So sit, have some popcorn now and get involved with those characters lives while you can stay awake enough to do so. - Leaving the house in under 10 minutes.
I remember a time where I would check my hair, find my keys and my phone, grab my purse, put on some shoes and I would be out the door. Different story now. I have a huge flight of stairs in my house to get to the front door. To put it bluntly I laugh at stair machines from the gym. I start preparing 30 minutes before I need to leave. Diaper bag packed. Bums changed. Stroller/Car packed. My purse is ready. I feel presentable. I take one boy downstairs, strap him in. I run upstairs grab the other boy bring him down and get puked on. Strap him in, run upstairs. Change. Run downstairs. Realize I forgot the soother. Run upstairs grab soother. Run downstairs. Toddler tells me he's pooped. Run upstairs for a lightning quick diaper change. Run downstairs. Baby has now pooped. Cry. Then run upstairs for another lightning quick diaper change. Run downstairs. Toddler now wants favourite toy. Run upstairs grab Elmo. Run downstairs. Now toddler wants his water. Run upstairs and grab the water and a snack just to try and be proactive. Run downstairs. Realize I've forgotten the diaper bag. Cry again. Run upstairs grab the diaper bag. Run downstairs. Shove double stroller through doorway that is 1/2 inch too small. Check the time and realize you are 40 minutes late.
Now this was not meant to scare any of you who legitimately want children someday. When you are ready for kids these things will be much easier to let go of which brings me to my second top ten list as follows:
Top 10 Things You Never Knew You Were Missing Before Having Kids:
- A sleeping baby on your chest.There is absolutely nothing more peaceful in this world than your baby sleeping on your chest, their breath in perfect time with yours. Their beautiful face worry free because they have their Mommy and nothing can harm them.
- The sound of the word "Mama" being directed at you.
Someone asking for you, being the most important person in someone's life, even if for a short time of infanthood forms a bond that you can never un-do. And the first time you hear your child call out "Mama" will be the most beautiful sound you have ever hear. Ever. - The ear to ear smile your child gives you when they see you first thing in the morning.
Sleep deprivation is hard but this can make up for most of it. There will be the odd day that it won't but those are one-off's in a sea of love. - Baby pictures. Everywhere.
Your house will be covered in baby pictures. Frames on the wall. Books of baby photos. Your fridge. Everywhere will be covered in your angel's face. And you wouldn't live any other way, it's a chance to see your babe everywhere you go. - Shopping for baby clothes.
If you like clothes, shopping for baby clothes is the coolest thing ever. Babies can pull off anything. And for about a year and a half to two years you call the shots on your baby's style. Oh.. the power! - Bragging about your kids.
Everything someone says will lead you back to "Oh you'll never guess whatdid!" Show restraint, it means a lot to you but maybe not to your work buddy. Just think silently, my kid is awesome! - Kissing boo-boo's better.
If your child hurts themself the only cure is a kiss and a hug from Mama. That's some powerful medicine you never knew you had! - Seeing the world through a child's eyes again.
Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, Valentine's Day, the local festival, the beach, the ice cream stand! Anything is brand new to a kid and therefore to you. The excitement is contagious and you can't help but enjoy it on a whole new level. - A reason to thank your parents everyday for what they sacrificed to raise you.
Seriously. Mom and Dad. You are amazing! Being a parent is hard work and I thank you for every sacrifice you made to do what you thought was best to raise me. You rock! - A reason to be a better person.
When you have a child you have a reminder every second of every day that someone is watching your every move, every reaction, every emotion and learning from you. In turn you learn from them and grow, evolve and change into the person who you were meant to be. I love the saying I read the other day "The way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice." It reminds me to be mindful every day.
Well anyway I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 Lists and I hope I didn't scare any of you off from having kids. I've often felt that way when I've been with a group of families and there are a few friends attending without children. Am I the best birth control humanity has ever seen with my frazzled ways and frazzled hair and dark circles under my eyes? Nah. If it's one thing everybody knows is that kids are tough but rewarding. Just cherish every moment of life before and after you have them :)
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