Fulfillment: four letter word or just tricky to spell?

Hello friends,

I have been thinking a lot lately about fulfillment in my life.  Ever since i have been off work especially.  Some days I think is this my life?  Such routine!  Wake up, shower, change baby, feed baby, walk some netflix, change baby, feed baby, have a nap with baby, change baby feed baby watch some netflix.  Granted sometimes we go for a walk if it's nice.  And Eli has been sick lately so I haven't wanted to do much baking with him, having to constantly wipe his nose and such.

But what really do I have better to be doing?  I mean it's not like I have the ability to fight crime.  At work I was simply doing final reports and discharging paid off mortgages off of people's house titles.  Was that more fulfilling of a routine than change, feed, nap, netflix?  Nope, just a different routine.  

It's hard not to get caught up in what you "should" be doing or think that what you are doing every day is not valuable.

Last night I held Eli while he slept through most of a movie and it was the best I've felt in weeks.  That's gotta mean I'm on the right track right?  

I am truly trying to enjoy these last weeks with just me and Eli.  I have been starting to have crazy Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time and feeling weird just in general.  I am definitely ready for a premature birth again, the house is all set up.  I even brought the baby swing up this morning.  Eli enjoyed spinning the mobile but drew the line when I suggested we put teddy in it to swing.

I've also noticed Eli clinging to Daddy a little more than usual which is neat and maybe some preparation on Eli's part to welcome baby.  Sharing mom will definitely be a new experience for him.

Another thing I am quite excited about is my maternity photos which I actually got to get this time!  We did a bunch with me in yoga poses and some with the whole family in an apple orchard.  They are just beautiful!  I'm so blessed to know such a wonderful photographer:  Kelly Lindsey Photography

I'm happy I feel ready this time, but I will feel good about going full term if it's meant to happen this time.  As I said above I feel strange and my Braxton-Hicks contractions are bad but other than that I feel pretty darn good.  My body is a little achy but not too bad.  I just have to avoid walking which is hard when you feel cooped up and need some fresh air.  I'm trying everything I can to keep this one in though.  We'll see if I still feel that way in 6 weeks, hehe.

So to sum up, I've decided I'm living a very fulfilled life right now.  I think people get too caught up in comparing lives with others, this is my life at this moment and raising kids is pretty darn important in the grand scheme of things.  The occupation of mom has always been there, what other jobs can say that?

Be prepared

I thought this title was appropraite due the re-release of The Lion King so recently and my topic of discussion today:  preparation.

I've had a tough past couple of days worrying.  I don't usually consider myself a worry-ier and try to avoid the practice completely but there is just something about pregnancy that takes over my mind sometimes and throws me into total panic mode.

I think it has something to do with the immense responsibility you feel as a mother carrying a baby, growing a baby.  You are the only one essentially taking care of this baby or even in tune with what is going on with baby so if anything were to go wrong, you would blame yourself. 

On Sunday night I felt baby drop into my pelvis.  That was about 31 weeks 2 days and at my midwife appointment yesterday, my midwife confirmed that yes I was correct.  I thought back to my other little guy dropping at 32 weeks and being born at 35.5 weeks and from that second on, every stretch, pain, kick, punch, or general feeling made me go "Oh my god!  Am I in labour?  Is this baby coming even earlier than my first?"

I literally worried myself sick last night to the point of nausea.  Then I had a good cry on my husband's shoulder.  He played a real good rock for me last night.  As much as I know all these things already like there's really nothing I can do about the circumstances and that everything will unfold how it's supposed to and that I'm not doing anything to cause my baby to be born early and/or unhealthy, sometimes you need to hear it from another source.  Not from your crazy pregnant brain.

Tomorrow is my last day of work.  Part of me is so exhausted and wants no responsibility anymore and part of me thinks what if I go to term and am bored for two months?  Another less proud part of me worries I'm not going to transition back to full time mom well, especially being so tired and cranky.  But I know this is the time to stop and that's just it. 

I am packing my hospital bag this weekend, just in case.  That will make me feel good just to have a bag with a nursing bra, post pregnancy clothes, and a couple cute onesies, diapers, soothers, and hats for new little guy.  Then I'm going to finish prepping diapers, try and sell my single stroller, and go through all the clothes I have and have been given and launder them.  You know, nest.  Like I didn't get a chance to last time.

So I'm just looking at basic all round preparation of my life and some preparation in my head of having two wonderful little boys in my care.

Like any Mom I am already struggling with the how to keep me alive, my identity other than "Mommy".  I'm hoping to try baking with Eli which will be a messy but fun endeavour.  I also want to do some painting, again messy but fun.  Maybe that's the theme of life, messy but fun, hehe.

Anyway, help me pray for little one to sit cozy in my pelvis for another 5 weeks 2 days or more :D

pregnant and homeless?

So lately we've actually had some good feedback on our house. The house we liked very much's owner decided she would be open to trading houses. Of course the deal she offered was not at all in our favor and we were going to counter and then our budget changed... A little frustrating. I could really see us living in that house, it was the only one that felt like a home so far.

Anyway then we get about two hours notice yesterday for a viewing which we accommodate by getting my dear sweet mother to evacuate our house while babysitting Little E, oh and could you hang all my laundry and make my bed before you leave btw?? And they put us on their short list and wanted to see it again this morning! Apparently we are in their top two they are just waiting for some kind of input from the guy's father. So now it's a waiting game, though I feel very optimistic. I said it would take 36 days to sell our house and it has now been 34. Plus we just spent the weekend at an amazing yoga immersion. Everything seems easier after we go to one of them. In fact it was the wednesday after we got back from my first immersion that I found this house which was exactly what I was trying to manifest.

The problem remaining with all of this is that we have no place to move into. We don't even have a possibility at this point. I am now 29 weeks pregnant. Last time we moved I was 34 weeks pregnant and a week and a half later pop! Out came Eli.

I'm starting to feel really nervous about early labor again. I know stressing about it won't help stop it that's for sure but I can't seem to help it. So much is going on and then I keep looking for signs because I want to be ready but then am I just creating false signs? Two nights ago I almost convinced myself that my water broke. Seeing as there was no gush of fluid afterwards, reality sunk in that it was just me worrying too much.

I can't believe how hard it is to work 3 full days a week, take care of an 19 month old, keep your house clean for showings all while your husband works 60 hours a week. Oh and be PREGNANT AND TIRED! Who's idea was this?

I'm definitely having heart burn, thank goodness for Univera's Aloe Gold, pretty much instant relief. I am having body pain every where. I am running out of room in my short torso and looking forward to baby dropping which I think happened around 32 weeks with Eli. So other than massive fear of early labor and body pain I'm coping quite well, not really any huge complaints. I just kind of wish I could have an idea where and when I can nest. I'm getting those urges and I just feel unsettled.

I think I'm buying a double stroller tomorrow. I really hope it works out. I've been struggling over this purchase for 7 months now. I thought I wanted a Phil and Ted's but then I heard they are not the best quality, especially in the wheels. Plus I can't find one cheap enough used. Then I thought maybe a BOB but I remembered how much I didn't like it at the store (the single) and how it won't fit through doorways. Then I thought ok I'll get one with the little hitchhiker on the back but they don't come with air filled tires and when you walk as much as I do that just blows. I kept thinking man I love my valco I don't want to give it up, maybe I'll just wear one baby and keep my valco, but I see the issues with that, the main one being that will only work for like a year. Then I saw a double valco for sale used. The woman claims it fits through her front door and all standard doors at 33 inches wide. It's even the same color as my valco, it's just double the goodness. I have never regretted buying my valco for an instant. Yes it was expensive but it was paid for by the end of Eli's second month with how much walking I did with it. So why wouldn't I just get the bigger version. PLUS, this is a newer model than mine (only 9 months old) and you can buy the hitchhiker attachment for a child to stand on the back so really it will even work with a third child. Gold. I'm very excited.

I also want to buy my cloth diapers (3 sets of the Bum Genius Flip's) tomorrow, which we can't really afford but I think I'm just dying to start getting ready and I can't do anything at home so this is as good as it gets. Then maybe I can feel a little closer to this little babe coming.

I'm so excited to meet this little person! I'm also nervous that I'm forgetting all the really hard parts about having a newborn and baby. The sleepless nights, the no time to yourself, the constant dependency. Plus I have Eli's needs this time. I know it'll all be great though, Eli is such a great help and will be an amazing big brother.

Anyway I think I need to get some sleep now, I didn't plan on writing this much but here I am. Yoga lesson plans will just have to wait until another day I suppose.

It's a ..........

Well now that I actually got you to my blog. I feel the need to write something super insightful before I announce which color bow we'll be having. Unfortunately, I didn't really have a topic in mind for today's post....

I sometimes come on here just to let creative juices flow, other times I'm peeved about something and there are also times I'm genuinely asking for help from those more experience than me. Today is a creative juices day.

I've been letting things in my life unfold again. I promised my midwives I would not move this pregnancy and it's looking like I may have to break this promise. As much as I really don't want to move right now it's looking so desirable on so many fronts. We are looking at purchasing a house with my hubby's parents since they are looking to move into town. We can't afford our current house/mortgage and they can't seem to find a space they can afford on their own so both families would benefit. I found a beautiful house where we'd each have our own floor and plenty of space in an affordable price range for us. We're all going to look at it tomorrow and here's hoping everyone's on board. The only thing I was worried about was selling our house and a possible huge pre-payment penalty on our mortgage. Luckily, it's not huge and we've already thought of a few possible people who may want to buy it. The universe is giving us a lot of signs, it's time to move. I guess because I have been asking for more money with no more work by me considering I want to take another year of maternity (unpaid of course since I've accumulated no EI). So I'm paying attention to these signs. You can't always get what you want in a work-free, silver lined platter, sometimes you have to look a little deeper into your circumstances to see how the universe is trying to help you. I'll keep you posted!

Other than body aches and still some tiredness, I feel great. I'm so happy to be pregnant. I've been getting some more cravings here and there which make me grumpy when I can't indulge but that's ok. I'm definitely tired of living off an allowance, especially in the summer. There are so many things we'd like to do, and so many evenings where I just plain don't want to cook, dammit! Character building I suppose.

Ok I will not hold you in suspense any longer. Eli is going to have a little brother. Yup another little winky on the way for this family :D I was kind of suspicious since my first ultrasound but still held some hope it was a girl. Don't get me wrong I'm not disappointed, it's just I really do want one of each and that would have assured us one of each. I'm delighted to raise to boys so close age. And I really did want two boys and a girl. And at the beginning of this pregnancy I told Justin, this is not my last pregnancy, I can't stop at two, so we are not planning on three JUST because we have two boys, I'm just not done having kids yet.

It's driven off some of my cravings to shop for more clothes. I do want a pair of padraig slippers for the new babe since Eli will still fit his this winter since we bought them so large. And I would like him to have his own first outfit. I thought about putting him Eli's "going home from the hospital" outfit as his first, though hopefully he'll be born at home, but then I realized I wanted to hand that down to Eli to give to his kids, and so the new baby we'll need his own first outfit to hand down. But overall, it'll be nice to use mostly the same clothes (they'll be about 3 months off so hopefully they will all fit at the right times of year). We'll see I guess. Very exciting stuff!

The Family Bed

Hello again. Another crummy, rainy summer day in Penticton brings me to my blog today. We have been having an unusually sucky summer this year. But anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about the family bed. Mainly because it seems to be everyone's favorite question lately: what are you going to do when the new baby comes because you co-sleep?

I love co-sleeping. It allows so many things, easy nursing and more sleep in the early months, and as the child gets older it allows longer periods waking up in bed because baby has you right there and doesn't wake up alone and immediately want out of his crib. Also closeness if I've had to be away for a large part of the day, lots of hugs and cuddles readily available.

It comes with a few drawbacks of course. Eli does not sleep as long (hour tops usually) on his own, which can make naps a challenge. And I have such a small portion of the bed when I wake up in the morning which has become increasingly more apparent as I get larger and more uncomfortable in this pregnancy.

Still I'm not sure I feel ready to give it up.

It definitely feels like the time to start transitioning Eli if we are ever going to do it. We still have at least 3 months before baby arrives which should be sufficient time to wean him into a bed.

I would love to continue to co-sleep actually, the family bed I find quite satisfying and comfortable, but I have a few concerns. I'm concerned Eli won't give up his spot in the middle of the bed because ideally he should sleep on the other side of Dad so I can switch baby back and forth from side to side depending on which side needs nursing. It seems only my hair puts him back to sleep and the night spent away from him he and Dad did not fair as best they could on the sleep front. But my main concern is the new baby waking Eli up and him getting poor sleeps and being cranky all day. Eli is such a concerned child as it is and usually cries when other kids cry.

I have a plan on how I will wean Eli to a bed. A bed in our room to start and keep putting him back when he falls asleep, though that to me seems tedious and like less sleep which I really don't need right now. Then when he's used to that we move him just out into our "nook" which with our bedroom door open is pretty much just a continuation of our room so he'd even be able to see us still. The problem with this is, he'd still be able to hear baby cry no doubt. But our other bedroom options are on the other end of the house and that is too far away.

Now here are my possible plans to continue co-sleeping. #1: Get a bassinet for baby, though I would still have to wake up to bring baby into bed and manage to remember to put baby back when they are done eating which with Eli could be up to 45 minutes in the beginning. #2: Use the crib as a side car to the bed for the baby but then again on one side I would have to stay awake to put baby back on the correct side when done eating.

#3: Poses the same problem as #2 but involves buying a twin bed to put next to me so Eli can be on that side of me but then I'd just have to remember to put baby back on the opposite side. #4: Requires a little more work with adding a twin next to Dad's side of the bed because then Eli would have to get used to sleeping just next to Dad.

What do you think? Anyone have any experiences to share with me?

We are so blessed

Normally Extreme Home Makeover is not a show I like to watch. My parents both really like it and yesterday when we were over at my parents and Eli was asleep on me on the couch, I traded the right to veto watching Extreme Home Makeover in exchange for two of my mom's ginger snap cookies. Now the cookies were excellent but I have to say watching this particular episode really changed a part of me for the better.

I'll give you a little backstory on how my mood has been lately just to give you an idea the size of my epiphany. I have been depressed, especially with regard to money. I've been back at work 8-15 hours a week to help out during the busy summer conveyancing. I've been really tired too so some days have been a struggle to be super mom, you know her right? The mom that can literally do everything, go to work and come home with enough energy to cook, clean and play with her kids. Ok I wasn't even getting close to super mom, I'll be honest.

But upon looking at our budget for the month I realized I actually don't know how we would have paid our bills this month if I hadn't been working. Our money situation is so odd, I do the budget and I know exactly how much money is coming in and out and it's the same every month and yet some months we have more and this month we were not even close to making it. I did August's numbers and at one point we are -$941. Yup in the red for almost a thousand dollars. And I'm not able to use our savings and pay it back later like I usually do because we had to pay our property taxes... bye bye savings!

So we've been discussing options, maybe renting our house and renting ourselves something cheaper, discontinuing my cell phone, cutting internet, maybe getting Justin's parents to buy our house. Basically any way to cut back. And our food budget is already just $80 a week and it's not stretching out to how much fresh beautiful produce we want to buy at the farmer's market so that's been feeling depressing. Then our friends will want to all order pizza and we either come on charity or don't go. And forget about those nights that I don't want to cook, eating out isn't in the budget. As for personal money we both get $20 a week and I'm so torn whether to get a latte or try and save for something bigger. So basically just feeling really sorry for myself and our situation.

So this week on Extreme Home Makeover they made over a family home of a family who had less in their pantry than we do (and we don't have much) and had basically an unlivable home (ie heat only in one room). If that's not enough to make you feel blessed this family feeds 1200 kids a day from their kitchen because these children are going hungry otherwise. Their living room furniture they gave away to someone who needed it not that it matters because their living room is overrun with donation boxes of clothes, toys, etc.

One word comes to mind and has been such a strong theme for me this past week: compassion. I need to have more of it. I need to bring more of it into my life. I literally NEED to. I'm so drawn to helping and it's not too surprising considering the first name of my spiritual name is seva or selfless service. I just feel overwhelmed where to even begin. Volunteer? Start a new initiative? I am already quite overwhelmed with my own responsibilities so I think the key is just little things to start. Fortunately this coming Saturday I get to be apart of something really special at the yoga studio I teach at Purple Lotus Yoga. They are having a "Yoga of Compassion" workshop and all the teachers get to teach for about 15 minutes out of a two hour workshop and it's all by donation to a family that really needs the help. I think that is the key to being successful in life, compassion. Money doesn't measure your greatness or happiness it's how you spend your time, your actions of compassion to others. Just another lesson from the universe to just trust that as long as I am doing things that feel right to my heart and my soul, I will be taken care of.

How are you feeling blessed today?

Feeling hot... hot... hot at 122 days

Two extremely busy months have passed. But the funny part is that it's now officially summer, by the thermometers at least, and I pretty much have no more plans. It's kind of spectacular. Generally I have a busy July but this time June took the brunt of it for some reason. So now I am assisting at a yoga camp for mornings of the first week in August and other than that our yearly PNE trip. Oh and of course September long weekend which doesn't always seem like summer to me but really is we are doing another Lumby Kundalini Yoga Immersion. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before on here but we went to one in June and words cannot express how amazing it was. To be surrounded with 20 other yogis one of which is your husband and another which is your son is just priceless. We just took turns watching him and doing yoga and when we watched Eli we had naps on the lawn next to our tent and looked for squirrels. Next time I'll be sure to bring all our bathing suits for the salt water pool. It's always so hard to leave though, I have such a desire to live with people who have the same lifestyle and values as me.

So my other Eli news is that he is climbing EVERYTHING! I come into the room and he is on the top of the couch trying to reach pictures hung on the wall or he's crawling across the dining room table. What a monkey! Oh and I spent my first night away from him. It was tough but we worked through it! Once he was weaned it was only a matter of time before we needed to at least try. And I had a teacher training full weekend for once so i decided to just go for it. He was sick and teething though so didn't handle it the best he could and I was a little lonely and sad not to be woken up to his smiley face.

Onto baby #2. Yesterday was our 120 day celebration (which was actually at 121 days but who's counting). So in Kundalini Yoga at 120 days past conception the soul is fixed in the body. It starts to be subject to the forces of the earth and the energy of the parents. This is also when the mother can start reformatting the baby's karma and start forming the personality of the child even. Big day! It also means that this upcoming Friday I'm at 20 weeks, what many people call the official half way point.

On to some other interesting facts about this pregnancy. I felt my first kick at 1 day shy of 14 weeks, very early but it was definitely a kick. I was laughing so hard at the movie Bridesmaids that baby decided to give me a boot. We heard the heartbeat the next day for the first time which was awesome. The first time Justin felt the baby kick was last week I believe so just over 18 weeks. It's again a very active baby, lots of kicking and rolling over. I have another ultrasound tomorrow and I'm going to see if they will tell me the gender, you never know. I am very certain I want to know, I don't think it will ruin anything for me. Instead I think it will increase the bond in the last half of my pregnancy and especially just after birth. They are not supposed to tell you in town though so I may have troubles finding out.

The only other weird things are that I keep gaining and losing the same couple of pounds so I've really had no weight gain to date at the half way point. I think I'm likely just not eating enough but I'm keeping a food diary and we'll see what my midwives have to say at my next appointment.

I've also been much more tired this time around. I think lately though it's because I also have many more body aches. Past about 4am I have so much trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep in that I end up tossing and turning a lot. My hips and back are just not happy with me.

Ok so I've covered the basics the only other thing to report is I've been working here and there in an office environment just to make a little extra money. It's 8 hours a week and a nice break getting out of the house but not having to miss too much time with my little man. And the veggies and fruits at the Farmer's Market are finally beginning to show up at Farmer's Market so I'm finding myself back in the kitchen and excited about it! I bought a bunch of tiny zucchini's and just sauteed them in sesame oil and garlic, added a few green onions and fresh peas and served over quinoa for dinner with a plate of fresh cucumber and tomato slices on the side. Delicious! Also I've been finding the best strawberries lately, I'm so addicted!!

Well I think it's time for me to start tossing and turning, I mean sleeping, so I will bid you goodnight! Looking forward to posting again soon!