I did this last year and enjoyed my year in review post so much that I had to do it again.
I will start as I did last year with how we brought in the New Year... Justin and I were ridiculously sick with the stomach flu and the three of us just watching movies in the guest room (because that's where the tv was). Not ideal but still we brought in our first new year as a family together.
January and February I spent on my minimalist journey to live with less stuff and finance Eli's RESP. Also in February I found out a didn't have a job to go back to after maternity leave and scrambled to find something. January was when Eli really started his hand-eye coordination and playing became really fun. Also in February we celebrated Eli's first birthday in style with chocolate cupcakes and a group bath afterwards.
March I worked for Christine Duncan a notary and got laid off by the end of the month. March is also when I found out about our miracle #2 on the way: Ozzy!
April, Eli decided to wean himself, whether I was ready or not! I never thought I would take weaning so hard! This was also when we all started sleeping through the night again. I continued looking for work with no luck.
May I worked a day for Elections Canada.
June we attended our first Kundalini Yoga Immersion as a family, it was so exciting to let our little guy be a part of it and feel a part of our community again for myself. June was so exciting for me because I started teaching a regular class at my favorite yoga studio Purple Lotus. I also participated in an awesome yoga flash mob. I was also blessed to be a bridesmaid for my wonderful friend Amanda, Eli was a ring bearer. I also started working again for Christine Duncan.
July started out with my 10 year high school reunion. In July we went to another good friend Jenn's wedding. We also started looking at houses to move into with Justin's parents. I also participated in a moving workshop for yoga about compassion which benefitted a family in need. July was also when Eli started climbing everything!
In August we committed to the house process and put our house up for sale. I also helped with a week long workshop with my yoga mentor Mugs in Naramata. What an amazing experience and taught me so much about teaching. We also took Eli to his second PNE and had an amazing trip! I believe this is when Eli got his molars (but not 100% sure). He got his top molars before his second set of bottom teeth came in. Weird.
September I was nearly working full time and not much else other than another amazing Kundalini Yoga Retreat with the family.
October was mainly spent at the chiropractor as he tried to hold my pregnant body together. I took it real easy and had a pedicure, haircut and did maternity pictures. Grandma and Grandpa He came into town to help take Eli trick or treating as the cutest little cow. He also got his eye teeth.
November was spent being cranky and waiting for baby who finally showed up on November 23 at 11:37 am :)
Since then the year has been a bit of a haze. We did the usual Harris Christmas lunch with my dad's family which was so much fun, we need to see them more than once a year! Christmas eve and morning was spent with my parents and the boys were spoiled rotten by everyone. It was a much more handmade Christmas due to money constraints but honestly I loved that. My mom made Eli an apron for cooking and a cute tool case. We're going to get my Dad working on a toddler bed for him in the new year. Christmas Day and New Years eve were spent in Westbank with Justin's Dad's family which was a total blast and again the boys got spoiled rotten. The only other news of December was that Eli started sleeping in his big boy bed (the crib side car-ed on our bed). New Years Eve was welcomed by fireworks waking us all up but Eli. I gave Justin a kiss and then fed a now awake Ozzy who normally now sleeps 10-1 ish in his cradle. And even though it was an hour earlier than normal I was still so happy. 2012 is going to be an amazing year, every year gets better.
As for resolutions, I had a baby in 2010 and 2011 but I wouldn't expect one in 2012!
My resolutions are a lot different than last years, much less specific. Though I am proud that quite a few got accomplished, this year just feels like a different approach is needed.
My resolutions are:
*Let the universe solve our housing situation.
*Change my mindset to "we have the right amount of money" rather than keeping saying I need more.
*Keep parenting from the heart with my boys and really listening to them.
*Find time for myself, it's there, I know it.
Happy New Year everyone! Reach for whatever you want in 2012, it's attainable!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I suck at this
So I still have yet to spend a full work day alone with my boys. On Thursday I did an hour and a half in the morning alone and 2 hours in the afternoon alone. They were both terrible and painful. The afternoon portion I screamed so hard my vocal cords hurt that evening, I punched and kicked a wall, I locked myself in the bathroom, I repeatedly chanted "I suck at this" while crying at the kitchen table.
When people say that transitioning from one kid to two is hard, they are underestimating. The word hard just doesn't seem to quite encompass the feelings you will go through.
I know it will get easier, you don't need to remind me.
I also know I don't really "suck at this" and I'm not the "worst mother in the world".
But when your toddler has been screaming for close to two hours with barely even minutes between tantrums it's really easy to think these things.
Ozzy is sleeping less on his own. He wouldn't take a soother at all up until yesterday and now he will take it briefly before spitting it out. Progress!
We are also trying to get him to sleep on his own more by getting him full and cozy then putting him down to sleep and if he fusses a bit we'll leave him. If it turns into crying we pick him up for a cuddle and some love and then after a few minutes try putting him down again. It's working well actually.
My back doesn't love carrying him around all day so that is the other option considering I still have a toddler to play with and take care of.
I'm actually going in to do some work tomorrow at my old job. They need some help with catch up and we could really use the money! I've embarked on an adventure that I've always wanted to do. The money would probably be better spent on groceries considering money is so tight but this is the first time the timing has felt right. I am going to do the Vancouver Sun Run! I know it's only 10 km but I'm really excited about it! I've always felt the healthiest when I run (not to mention the slimmest). I find running very meditative as well. In the past when I've wanted to train to do the Sun Run I have been advised not to by a health professional, or had an injury, or been pregnant. This time I'm good to go! I'm going to do the clinic (hence the cost) because I feel I need that weekly commitment to get me to go the distance, also to help me so I train gradually and don't hurt myself. I'm wondering if they expect me to train outside of once a week because that may prove more difficult. One thing I've been realizing is that it's bloody cold outside! But I start in 5 weeks! I think I am most excited because this is something all for me.
I've also signed Eli and I up for a couple cheap courses through the community centre to have some special Eli and Mommy time. I'm really looking forward to the new year. I was really nervous to have a baby during the coldest months of the year when walking isn't always an option to get out of the house. But I probably spent as much on decaf ice coffees on those walks as I will on these programs anyway.
2012 is going to be a big year though. I have to finish my yoga training by the end of the year so I need to do my specialty project and practicum, practical exam and written exam to finish that. I also want to teach 2 yoga classes a week. I'm also going to be working here and there. With Sun Run training and my Eli & Mommy time that will be a full schedule.
Well my mommy is over helping and I had to steal this opportunity to blog. Baby is still sleeping so I think I will also try and eat! Life is good, I love my family! I don't suck at this, I just need practice.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Gulp
My hubby goes back to work on Wednesday. That is 2.5 days from now. My my how 2 weeks can fly by.
I'll be honest, I'm pretty frightened to do this on my own. I know I'll be ok, like no one will die or anything, I'm mostly worried about my sanity. The hardest thing I do in a day is get Eli down for a nap or down for bed at night. He has been so cranky lately. I know it has a lot to do with sharing mommy (and especially sharing Baba, he won't even let her hold Ozzy) but it's to the point of tantrums all day. Before food, after food, resisting naps, resisting bed, resisting diaper changes. It's exhausting for me to deal with and I have my hubby taking care of baby while I do it (or vice versa).
My friend going through a similar situation just 3-4 weeks ahead of me posted an article today summing up toddler tantrums in three ways, tired, hungry, or needing to run around, preferably outside.
I know he's not getting enough sleep. Sleep sharing with both is not the problem, Ozzy barely makes any noise. But we can't seem to get Eli to sleep before 10:00-10:30pm and that's with fighting. Then he's up with me and Ozzy at 6:30-7am. And naps have been horrible. A fight all the way. Today finally worked, he fell asleep at 11:45 and woke up about a half hour later so I went and lied down with him and just brought sleeping Ozzy and we all slept until 1:30pm. But he was still cranky and tantrum-y all evening.
So food. He did eat a lot of junk today, we had a meet and greet for Ozzy where he ate cookies, popcorn, chips, and some fruit. Maybe he's getting too much sugar?
I took him for about a 20 minute walk today which was nice. I'm going to try and get him out every day for some fresh air though I know this will get harder as it gets colder with winter.
I think Eli is the kind of child that does really well with a routine and obviously that has been turned upside down. He has a new brother, his dad has been home, we've had visitors and parties. So I am working on a routine for once Daddy is back at work.
Morning routine - which includes diaper changes, getting dressed, and Eli and I having our special drinks (Univera)
Breakfast
Sesame street (or at least Elmo's World because Eli LOVES Elmo)
Walk
Lunch
Nap
Playtime and/or Baking or helping with dinner somehow
Dinner
Playtime
Bath
Books!
Brush Teeth
Bed
All I know is I can't keep handling meltdowns every time he needs to nap, sleep, leave Grandma's, get out of the bath, stop eating etc. etc.
This is not easy, but I didn't expect it to be. Parenting is so in the moment, ever-changing and evolving.
I'll be honest, I'm pretty frightened to do this on my own. I know I'll be ok, like no one will die or anything, I'm mostly worried about my sanity. The hardest thing I do in a day is get Eli down for a nap or down for bed at night. He has been so cranky lately. I know it has a lot to do with sharing mommy (and especially sharing Baba, he won't even let her hold Ozzy) but it's to the point of tantrums all day. Before food, after food, resisting naps, resisting bed, resisting diaper changes. It's exhausting for me to deal with and I have my hubby taking care of baby while I do it (or vice versa).
My friend going through a similar situation just 3-4 weeks ahead of me posted an article today summing up toddler tantrums in three ways, tired, hungry, or needing to run around, preferably outside.
I know he's not getting enough sleep. Sleep sharing with both is not the problem, Ozzy barely makes any noise. But we can't seem to get Eli to sleep before 10:00-10:30pm and that's with fighting. Then he's up with me and Ozzy at 6:30-7am. And naps have been horrible. A fight all the way. Today finally worked, he fell asleep at 11:45 and woke up about a half hour later so I went and lied down with him and just brought sleeping Ozzy and we all slept until 1:30pm. But he was still cranky and tantrum-y all evening.
So food. He did eat a lot of junk today, we had a meet and greet for Ozzy where he ate cookies, popcorn, chips, and some fruit. Maybe he's getting too much sugar?
I took him for about a 20 minute walk today which was nice. I'm going to try and get him out every day for some fresh air though I know this will get harder as it gets colder with winter.
I think Eli is the kind of child that does really well with a routine and obviously that has been turned upside down. He has a new brother, his dad has been home, we've had visitors and parties. So I am working on a routine for once Daddy is back at work.
Morning routine - which includes diaper changes, getting dressed, and Eli and I having our special drinks (Univera)
Breakfast
Sesame street (or at least Elmo's World because Eli LOVES Elmo)
Walk
Lunch
Nap
Playtime and/or Baking or helping with dinner somehow
Dinner
Playtime
Bath
Books!
Brush Teeth
Bed
All I know is I can't keep handling meltdowns every time he needs to nap, sleep, leave Grandma's, get out of the bath, stop eating etc. etc.
This is not easy, but I didn't expect it to be. Parenting is so in the moment, ever-changing and evolving.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The story of Ozzy
The story of Ozzy: (A possible TMI for the faint of heart)
On Tuesday night I was really cranky. I told baby it was time, I'd had enough. Then when we got home from picking up Eli from my parents after yoga, I wrote on our whiteboard "Honey Do List" - "HAVE BABY". A task that I was able to cross off the very next morning.
At yoga that Tuesday night my yoga teacher was teaching a kriya to clear the sub-conscious mind. He looked directly at me and said "this is what your baby is waiting for." I said in return, "ok, I will hold you to that. I better have this boy tomorrow." Then I did the kriya with all my heart, soul and intention.
At 4:45am I had a very uncomfortable contraction, and more came every about 15 minutes. I was not convinced. They got closer together but stayed the same pain level but they were every 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, so I was really unconvinced. But still something told me to page my midwife just from how uncomfortable I was. Suzanne was attending a birth in Kelowna but said she'd have Aly call me shortly. A half hour later Aly called me and offered to check me before she went in to clinic even though my contractions were leveling off at 10 mins apart.
I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me I was 4-5 cm at 8:30am. It's actually happening!!!!! I had a shower and called in my team and they were all here within about 40 minutes. We sat around and chatted for about an hour and at 10:30 my contractions were getting very intense, much more intense than with Eli. By 11am I was 9cm dilated and I moved to my birthing room where I leaned on the ball on my knees with Erin and Justin massaging my back, Fateh taking pictures, my mom feeding Eli lunch in the kitchen.
Then I needed to go to the bathroom and that was where my body needed to start pushing. So in the tiniest room in my entire house I hung off Justin's shoulders and pushed, Aly and Suzanne squished against the sink, Erin in the bathtub, Fateh in the doorway documenting it all. Eli still eating blissfully in the kitchen. Finally my midwives brought in the birthing stool since holding my weight was wearing on Justin and 2-3 pushes later, Erin brushing back my hair, Justin and Aly caught little Ozzy. My placenta put the icing on the cake by surprising everyone 20 seconds later. I got to hold my little man immediately but he was a little blue so they took him for some oxygen which did the trick.
On the way by Eli got his first look at his little brother and has been smitten every since giving him as many kisses as we allow.
After some stitching I was good as new and Erin helped me remember how to breastfeed, Fateh took care of everyone feeding toast and tea, Justin took amazing care of me and my mom gave Eli his big brother gift which he played with delightfully.
Let me just say this right now I love my birth team, every person there was so valuable to me in their own special way and I am so lucky. Thank you birth team you made this perfect for me.
It was truly perfect and everything I could have hoped for though more pain than I remembered but definitely still tolerable.
Ozzy weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was 21.25 inches. He took to feeding immediately and is sleeping pretty well. We are a little concerned with jaundice currently so it's been difficult getting him to stay awake for the 15 minutes minimum suggested by my midwives. So I am hoping we can de-yellow him quickly and will not need any heat lamp assistance.
Other than that nursing is as painful as I remember which is too bad. I have had lots of help from my mom in law and Justin's family. I am definitely nervous about when I have to do this all on my own but am trying not to think about it and am just concentrating on healing right now. Luckily the after pains are going away (ouch!). It's true, they are worse the second time!!
I am feeling very blessed with my family right now! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And so begins my second year of confessions of a new mom. I truly feel like a new mom all over again, especially after that completely different pregnancy and birth.
On Tuesday night I was really cranky. I told baby it was time, I'd had enough. Then when we got home from picking up Eli from my parents after yoga, I wrote on our whiteboard "Honey Do List" - "HAVE BABY". A task that I was able to cross off the very next morning.
At yoga that Tuesday night my yoga teacher was teaching a kriya to clear the sub-conscious mind. He looked directly at me and said "this is what your baby is waiting for." I said in return, "ok, I will hold you to that. I better have this boy tomorrow." Then I did the kriya with all my heart, soul and intention.
At 4:45am I had a very uncomfortable contraction, and more came every about 15 minutes. I was not convinced. They got closer together but stayed the same pain level but they were every 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, so I was really unconvinced. But still something told me to page my midwife just from how uncomfortable I was. Suzanne was attending a birth in Kelowna but said she'd have Aly call me shortly. A half hour later Aly called me and offered to check me before she went in to clinic even though my contractions were leveling off at 10 mins apart.
I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me I was 4-5 cm at 8:30am. It's actually happening!!!!! I had a shower and called in my team and they were all here within about 40 minutes. We sat around and chatted for about an hour and at 10:30 my contractions were getting very intense, much more intense than with Eli. By 11am I was 9cm dilated and I moved to my birthing room where I leaned on the ball on my knees with Erin and Justin massaging my back, Fateh taking pictures, my mom feeding Eli lunch in the kitchen. 
Then I needed to go to the bathroom and that was where my body needed to start pushing. So in the tiniest room in my entire house I hung off Justin's shoulders and pushed, Aly and Suzanne squished against the sink, Erin in the bathtub, Fateh in the doorway documenting it all. Eli still eating blissfully in the kitchen. Finally my midwives brought in the birthing stool since holding my weight was wearing on Justin and 2-3 pushes later, Erin brushing back my hair, Justin and Aly caught little Ozzy. My placenta put the icing on the cake by surprising everyone 20 seconds later. I got to hold my little man immediately but he was a little blue so they took him for some oxygen which did the trick. 
After some stitching I was good as new and Erin helped me remember how to breastfeed, Fateh took care of everyone feeding toast and tea, Justin took amazing care of me and my mom gave Eli his big brother gift which he played with delightfully.
It was truly perfect and everything I could have hoped for though more pain than I remembered but definitely still tolerable.
Other than that nursing is as painful as I remember which is too bad. I have had lots of help from my mom in law and Justin's family. I am definitely nervous about when I have to do this all on my own but am trying not to think about it and am just concentrating on healing right now. Luckily the after pains are going away (ouch!). It's true, they are worse the second time!!
I am feeling very blessed with my family right now! Thank you, thank you, thank you!And so begins my second year of confessions of a new mom. I truly feel like a new mom all over again, especially after that completely different pregnancy and birth.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Patience
Who knew? Who could have guessed after having a baby at 35.5 weeks and worrying the crap out of everyone that this time around I would be writing about patience at 39 weeks 2 (nearly 3) days.
I am getting very impatient though. I am uncomfortable, not so much in my body, though that has seemed to start last night with the backache, feet and legs and hips hurting, it's the nights of contracting that are getting to me!
The first was the night before Halloween, and since then about every 3-4 days I will go through an hour or two (or three) of fairly regular contractions that of course happen in during sleeping time. I had my worst round yet last night, I swore I was in labour. They were more intense than I had experienced before and accompanied by nausea and back pain and lots of cramping. But sure enough I couldn't find a regular pattern in them and after 2 hours they stopped.
I've heard my chiropractor say a few times now "we'll make the appointment for (insert date here), but you'll never make it!" It hurts to go to the appointment, I feel so frustrated! Last time he said well it sounds like your body has done the majority of the work already so it'll pretty much be a "one-push birth". That sounds exciting and scary at the same time.
I'm also beginning to get worried about how big this baby is getting. I know everyone keeps saying don't think about it but come on! All I have time to do is think! Eli was 6.5 lbs at 35.5 weeks, second babies are heavier, and every week for the last four or so they gain .5 lb... so by my calculation I have a 9 lb baby waiting to come out right now. *GULP
It's the emotional part that is throwing me for a loop, this on again off again contracting, is this it? Is THIS it? Is this IT? IS THIS IT?????!
I"m getting a contraction right now... baby if you can hear me... is this it????!
I know in many, many ways I'm very lucky to be this comfortable overall at this point in pregnancy. I just can't believe that someone as verbally expressive in the "no two labours/pregnancies/babies are alike" field, could have possibly convinced myself that this baby would be early too. I feel foolish in a lot of ways.
Oh and what is with this heartburn? My midwife said and I quote "women labour for hours to get baby's head this low", so why no heartburn relief??? I guess I just have no torso.
Well likely I have sufficiently complained enough to last me the rest of the pregnancy, so probably enough pity partying. I'm really hoping that the next time I am blogging I have a beautiful, peaceful birth story and a million pictures of my new little man to share. But after the last 3 WEEKS of fake contractions, I'm sure not holding my breath. Maybe baby wants to be a Sagittarius.... maybe baby wants a nicer birthstone than my yellow topaz... at any rate, baby is not here yet.
Soon I will meet you baby. Not to sound ominous but your days are numbered. And I can't wait =-)
I am getting very impatient though. I am uncomfortable, not so much in my body, though that has seemed to start last night with the backache, feet and legs and hips hurting, it's the nights of contracting that are getting to me!
The first was the night before Halloween, and since then about every 3-4 days I will go through an hour or two (or three) of fairly regular contractions that of course happen in during sleeping time. I had my worst round yet last night, I swore I was in labour. They were more intense than I had experienced before and accompanied by nausea and back pain and lots of cramping. But sure enough I couldn't find a regular pattern in them and after 2 hours they stopped.
I've heard my chiropractor say a few times now "we'll make the appointment for (insert date here), but you'll never make it!" It hurts to go to the appointment, I feel so frustrated! Last time he said well it sounds like your body has done the majority of the work already so it'll pretty much be a "one-push birth". That sounds exciting and scary at the same time.
I'm also beginning to get worried about how big this baby is getting. I know everyone keeps saying don't think about it but come on! All I have time to do is think! Eli was 6.5 lbs at 35.5 weeks, second babies are heavier, and every week for the last four or so they gain .5 lb... so by my calculation I have a 9 lb baby waiting to come out right now. *GULP
It's the emotional part that is throwing me for a loop, this on again off again contracting, is this it? Is THIS it? Is this IT? IS THIS IT?????!
I"m getting a contraction right now... baby if you can hear me... is this it????!
I know in many, many ways I'm very lucky to be this comfortable overall at this point in pregnancy. I just can't believe that someone as verbally expressive in the "no two labours/pregnancies/babies are alike" field, could have possibly convinced myself that this baby would be early too. I feel foolish in a lot of ways.
Oh and what is with this heartburn? My midwife said and I quote "women labour for hours to get baby's head this low", so why no heartburn relief??? I guess I just have no torso.
Well likely I have sufficiently complained enough to last me the rest of the pregnancy, so probably enough pity partying. I'm really hoping that the next time I am blogging I have a beautiful, peaceful birth story and a million pictures of my new little man to share. But after the last 3 WEEKS of fake contractions, I'm sure not holding my breath. Maybe baby wants to be a Sagittarius.... maybe baby wants a nicer birthstone than my yellow topaz... at any rate, baby is not here yet.
Soon I will meet you baby. Not to sound ominous but your days are numbered. And I can't wait =-)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sacrifice
Sacrifice is not a word I'm fond of but I've been thinking about a mother's sacrifice a lot lately. What we put our body's through being pregnant, what we go through in the birthing process and then how our body remains this alien vessel of not quite feeling like yours during milk production. If you have 3 kids and breast feed between all kids, in reality there could be a 10 year period where your body is on loan if you have 3 kids like we want.
And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned. You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.
My husband works a lot. Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that. But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son. It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant. So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no. Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy! Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.
I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way. I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see. Then it's like a week before and it's happening. To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore. By 7pm I'm cranky and tired. Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy. I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing? Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice. I would give anything to be able to be at that training too. He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.
So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice. I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget. Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did. I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift. And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice. Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.
I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers. Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them. It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish. So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes. I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.
I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am. It is very interesting being this pregnant. Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work. This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month. It's definitely unnerving. But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards. I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.
We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over. I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.
I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women. I really am not suffering much. I just wonder what last nights practice session was about. Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week. Is baby preparing? I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!
Thanks for listening virtual world! Maybe I can sleep now!
And because you are the only one able to sustain your baby with beautiful mama made milk, you have quite an obligation to that baby until weaned. You can't just leave for a full day unless you are quite proficient at pumping which takes establishing with you and the baby for taking a bottle and it takes maintenance to keep up the ability to produce that much extra milk.
My husband works a lot. Granted he loves what he does so I am happy for that. But it does mean I pick up a lot of slack around the house and with our son. It has been especially hard doing this while pregnant. So you would think that when he came to me saying I want to do Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training which is 6 days of training in a row 4 times in the next 8 months my flat answer would have been no. Well you would be right, I said, no way buddy! Especially since the first week is my 36th week of pregnancy.
I'm not sure what kind of power my husband has but some how when he has the crazy type ideas he always gets his way. I can have the most solid reasons why not to do it and have everyone else on my side about it and he'll just keep saying, we'll see, we'll see. Then it's like a week before and it's happening. To be perfectly honest this time I just did not have the energy to fight it anymore. By 7pm I'm cranky and tired. Part of me feels a bit like a door mat but I also know a part of me really wants him to do it because it's what he wants and I did vow to make him happy and support him in what does make him happy. I can't help but think, didn't he vow the same thing? Why am I always the one to give in and sacrifice. I would give anything to be able to be at that training too. He gets to do it with all of our community, this is the first time training has left Vancouver so it's a huge deal.
So here I am (up at 4am because that's when my household gets up these days to make it to early morning Sadhana in Naramata) pondering sacrifice. I thought about just doing the teacher training as well but my mom didn't want to watch Eli a week at a time (and I don't blame her at all, that's big) and twice the tuition makes even less sense that 1x the tuition which makes zero sense in our budget. Then there's the fact that even if I didn't have the baby this week the subsequent weeks I would have him, clinging to me because of the wonderful gift of breastfeeding. I'm really not meaning that to sound as sarcastic as it did. I really do feel breastfeeding is a gift. And I think that's what I'm coming to terms with the word sacrifice. Sacrifice though you can't always measure it evenly always does have benefits in some form.
I always feel a little sad for the Dad's because they don't get to carry children before they are born, what a bond we create with our babies as mothers. Then once they are born they want mama because she feeds them. It's like the cat always chooses his favorite by the one who fills the food dish. So being their favorite person in the world can feel amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I would not trade the experience of being a mother for anything but it sure is hard sometimes. I just have to stop trying to measure and compare sacrifice.
I was in false labor nearly all of last night and now tonight I cannot sleep at 4am. It is very interesting being this pregnant. Last time I had no time to sit and think about my labor because it happened so early and before I was even off work. This time I've been doing nothing but think about it for the last month. It's definitely unnerving. But as much as part of me wants to be done part of me is scared this time will be different and I won't be able to handle it, let alone handle care of two kids afterwards. I still have to make it to friday to have my home birth and I really get the feeling I will make it, but everyone keeps teasing me that I will go over and though I know it's mainly just teasing and my heart tells me I won't, I felt I would go over the first time and look what happened.
We spend so much time thinking and preparing for birth when it is the one thing we have no control over. I had this revelation at my chiropractor appointment and it continues to blow my mind.
I just hope I continue to be relatively comfortable compared to most pregnant women. I really am not suffering much. I just wonder what last nights practice session was about. Also I'm gaining about a pound a day which is similar to what happened with Eli where I gained 9 lbs in my last week. Is baby preparing? I guess we'll see, sure can't predict anything!
Thanks for listening virtual world! Maybe I can sleep now!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Fulfillment: four letter word or just tricky to spell?
Hello friends,
I have been thinking a lot lately about fulfillment in my life. Ever since i have been off work especially. Some days I think is this my life? Such routine! Wake up, shower, change baby, feed baby, walk some netflix, change baby, feed baby, have a nap with baby, change baby feed baby watch some netflix. Granted sometimes we go for a walk if it's nice. And Eli has been sick lately so I haven't wanted to do much baking with him, having to constantly wipe his nose and such.
But what really do I have better to be doing? I mean it's not like I have the ability to fight crime. At work I was simply doing final reports and discharging paid off mortgages off of people's house titles. Was that more fulfilling of a routine than change, feed, nap, netflix? Nope, just a different routine.
It's hard not to get caught up in what you "should" be doing or think that what you are doing every day is not valuable.
Last night I held Eli while he slept through most of a movie and it was the best I've felt in weeks. That's gotta mean I'm on the right track right?
I am truly trying to enjoy these last weeks with just me and Eli. I have been starting to have crazy Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time and feeling weird just in general. I am definitely ready for a premature birth again, the house is all set up. I even brought the baby swing up this morning. Eli enjoyed spinning the mobile but drew the line when I suggested we put teddy in it to swing.
I've also noticed Eli clinging to Daddy a little more than usual which is neat and maybe some preparation on Eli's part to welcome baby. Sharing mom will definitely be a new experience for him.
Another thing I am quite excited about is my maternity photos which I actually got to get this time! We did a bunch with me in yoga poses and some with the whole family in an apple orchard. They are just beautiful! I'm so blessed to know such a wonderful photographer: Kelly Lindsey Photography
I'm happy I feel ready this time, but I will feel good about going full term if it's meant to happen this time. As I said above I feel strange and my Braxton-Hicks contractions are bad but other than that I feel pretty darn good. My body is a little achy but not too bad. I just have to avoid walking which is hard when you feel cooped up and need some fresh air. I'm trying everything I can to keep this one in though. We'll see if I still feel that way in 6 weeks, hehe.
So to sum up, I've decided I'm living a very fulfilled life right now. I think people get too caught up in comparing lives with others, this is my life at this moment and raising kids is pretty darn important in the grand scheme of things. The occupation of mom has always been there, what other jobs can say that?
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