Back to normal?

I'm feeling inspired to write. Could it be because I'm home alone (with Eli but he's asleep)? Could it be the New Year brings a new inspired vibe to writing and following through with things you started? Nah. I actually think it's because I have some random person's computer.

My husband works as computer tech support for many companies and people in town and he needed to take our laptop (only computer of the house) away for the evening. So he's like, here have this one. So thank you Mrs. Random. I am sensing your vibe that your computer loves to be typed on. The clicky clack of the keys is louder than my computer. The screen is smaller than my computer. Apparently this is a better computer than my computer. We'll see.

So my hubby was supposed to have the day off but his boss really did need him today so he ended up deciding late last night to go to work today. I was looking forward to one more day of shared responsibilities and recovery together. But alas duty calls. But to top it off he has his monthly Men's New Moon meditation tonight. Oh and they didn't finish the work they needed to during the day so "by the way honey, I'll be staying at work till we do. Possibly all night." Crazy.

So it has been a soul-searching, emotional day for me. Every time my hubby has more than a weekend off (because generally he or both of us are quite busy on weekends anyway) I feel I get a bit of a break in Eli responsibilities. Then when he goes back to work I go through a struggle. I go through some of the following emotions: disconnect, anger, loneliness, sadness, frustration, guilt. Happy moments too of course! But I suppose I'm just noticing this pattern.

The disconnect I find an interesting one. I get the anger, frustration, and sadness, that's part of every mother's repertoire. The loneliness I always find a bit funny too because I have this little person who wants to share every moment with me. How can you possibly be lonely??! Why don't I want to spend every moment with him? Then comes the guilt. I actually couldn't figure out how to play with Eli this evening. I phoned my Mom. I phoned my Mom to ask how to play with my own son. All the answers were in front of me but they were clouded. There are tons of things I could do. Even play peekaboo behind a wall or chase after him. Those would even make him laugh likely! But the problem was mustering the energy to mother.

After having a long talk with my mom while playing megablocks with Eli, I realized this fact that how almost lost I become coming in or out of our routine. That it makes me removed and depressed. What am I not opening my heart to? Accepting help? Taking responsibility? A little of both? So that's what I'm pondering tonight in bed, on Mrs. Random's computer, missing my man and laptop.