Let go!

I've been getting signs everywhere I go. Let go. Dammit let go! Let go, let go, let go, let go!

That is definitely the theme of 2011 for me. My mantra.

My Kundalini Yoga sagnat (community) are at an immersion this weekend. These weekends are always quite difficult for me. This one should be a little easier because my hubby is not there so I'm not quite as connected but I still am very connected. We have such a strong group energy that I feel their changes, their vibrations. It's so strong that when they are up doing their sadhana at 4:30am, I practically jump out of bed. At the end of the weekend my husband and I both usually have the same energy hang-overs as those who attended the weekend.

The theme of the immersion is letting go of the past. Let go!

I've never struggled and thrived at the same time so much with a new year. I feel new and refreshed for 2011 and like we are on a really exciting path but at the same time being so in tune with your life the issues I need to work on become blatantly clear. In fact they are practically sitting on my face. Let go!

There are two main things I need to let go of. The first one I didn't feel comfortable putting in my new years resolution post. I now see this is silly. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid someone is going to read my blog and judge me for wanting to be honest and reflective of who I really am? I don't care to know these people and if you read this and judge me in any way you are likely working on the same issues as me so I really invite you to take a deeper look inward. Don't be afraid to admit you have issues to work on! Let go!

So anyway, on to my first main issue. The pity party. I think a lot of people have this issue and it comes back to attention. Any attention is good attention. And if you have issues with self-love and acceptance often you may be prone to not feeling worthy of others attention. Then you feel the need to have some sort of reason that people should be giving you attention. My foot hurts. I am so sorry to hear that. Ahh attention, feels good. I think this is why I have had a lot of health issues in my life. I need to stop craving pity from others and start appreciating myself more. This has me being tested since about January 3rd. Apparently January is a busy month for my husband's work. He has been working until 5am some days, then going back in at 10am. It's been pretty ridiculous, I kind of feel like I'm a single mom. So I feel I have been doing an awful lot of work. But since I have been trying my "parenting from the heart" theories, it hasn't felt like a ton of work. I'm actually enjoying it for the most part. But I'm lonely. I miss my partner. So far our New Years Resolution to spend more time together and as a family has pretty much gone down the drain. In some ways I feel I'm compensating for not having my partner around by having Eli fulfill some of my emotional needs. When I see Justin this little I tend to get distant. I realized today that it is easier to be mad at him rather than miss him. It did make me a little mad when he stopped work to play an hour of street hockey with his friends but he won't make an hour of family time in his schedule. I told him this and he said well let's schedule some time then. But part of me is too scared of rejection to do this. What if we set aside time and then he has to work. Again it's easier to be guarded than risk disappointment. Not a healthy way to live. Let go!

So all in all, point number one is to open my heart especially to loving myself! Let go!

Point number two is letting go of control. I'm getting much better at this. I started this post last night and had to end it early because Eli was crying and I'm pretty sure he's teething or had a tummy ache. Old habits may have made me freak out and be angry with him but going with the flow I said ok I'm meant to cuddle you right now, blogging can wait until tomorrow. And would you look at that, here it is waiting for me. As soon as you let go the need to control something it seems to go just as you wanted it to. Or at least as soon as you are in the flow of life it doesn't matter what you want because you are getting what you need. Let go!

So I guess I need to let go of wanting more time with my hubby. Let go!

I've been feeling quite depressed today but luckily a friend noticed and we went for an awesome lunch together. Even when I'm lonely I need to realize I'm never alone. I have some issues with the G-word (God) because I am spiritual, per say, rather than religious and don't associate God with religion. So not to scare anyone off but I need to accept that God is always there inside me. How can you be alone when God is in you, you are God, you are the whole Universe? This concept still gets a little overwhelming for me to accept at times. Especially when all you want is a cuddle from your husband. Let go! Right?